ShallowGal discovers a cure for Alzheimer's Disease

An article on AOL news today, caught ShallowGal's attention; it claims that drinking apple juice can slow the progression of Alzheimer's disease.(1) Ironically, SG has been working on a cure of her own.

You see ShallowGal swung by Sunrise today to visit Alzheimer Grandma. (2) All the residents were sitting in a circle in their chairs and wheelchairs. The aide put her hands together in a prayer motion and motioned to be quiet. ShallowGal is familiar with most of the World's major religions and isn't aware of any that worship on a Tuesday morning, but hey, live and learn.

The woman leading the service was colorfully dressed and enthusiastic. She led the mostly sleeping congregation in several prayers and a rousing rendition of Amazing Grace. And, oh yeah I almost forgot, she did the entire thing with her hand shoved up the backside of a giant ostrich puppet.

Not just a regular ostrich puppet either. This two foot tall bird was wearing a jaunty crocheted beret and a large fanny pack to store his Bible. And when the service was over, Oliver (3) kissed each resident on the top the their head and reminded them that they were G-d's favorite child. (4)

So here's my idea: Maybe, just maybe, if we remove ventriloquist ministers from the Alzheimer units, there will be just a little less chaos in those poor people's minds.

Lets see if Tropicana wants to study that.

1) This study may or may not have been sponsored by Tropicana.
2) I swear this isn't going to become one of those dying Alzheimer Grandma blogs that are flooding the internet today. But AG is back in Sunrise under the care of Hospice. Thank you all for your kind comments, tweets and e-mails.
3) Who said to me "But you can call me Ollie." He also had a middle name that I missed and no bloody way I was asking him to repeat it.
4) But when I try to pick a favorite child everyone gets all worked up. G-d gets all the breaks.

Will Blog for Swag

ed note: ShallowGal cannot take any credit for the title. It was originally written by SG's former IRL BFF (1) for a joint blogging venture before (2) she got sidetracked by her conservative agenda. We aren't holding that against her, but we also aren't linking to her new project. Hey SG? Passive aggressive much?

It recently occurred to ShallowGal that she needed a swag policy. Because let's get one thing clear; SG started blogging solely for the swag. The creative outlet, awesome friends and sense of community were certainly nice perks but ultimately SG is all about the free crap.

So all you captains of industry, listen up ! If you want a critique of your wares go ahead and send them. ShallowGal and posse (3) will check them out and if we like it, write up a review. If we don't like it, we won't say anything. So you can pretty much be guaranteed no bad press on LeShallowGal.com.

Which considering SG has been known to review movies she hasn't even seen, is a pretty good deal all around.

The flip side: ShallowGal's readers are very smart, and just a wee bit suspicious. So when there's no review for, say, an iphone or a Wii Fit, they'll have no choice but to assume you sent it to me and it sucked. Fair enough?

Hey now, blackmail is such an ugly word. Here at ShallowGal we prefer incentivized. Or for the conservatives coming over here to gawk: misunderestimated.



1) Apparently SG is really 13 and texting her blog from her little pink phone
2) b/4
3) if appropriate. SG will also do review grown-up swag sans the posse.

Mostly Wordless Wednesday: The close enough edition

Frustrated by my unwillingness to buy them snuggies,

my kids take matters into their own hands. (1)

1) And theirs are possibly better, because of the anonymity option, as modeled by Eli.

ShallowGal answers the questions you didn't even know you had about the new blog you didn't even know she had:

Yes, a new blog! But don't worry, LeShallowGal isn't going anywhere. Except either Mom 2.0 or BlogHer, she hasn't really decided yet.

But yes! A new blog, a joint venture with the fabulous Marinka entitled Secret Spineless Whine (.5)

She brings the cat and the brains and I bring the beauty. Except Caitin & I did all the technical stuff and PetCo won't let Marinka adopt a cat. But you know, it's all good.

I know what you're thinking VUBOQ:

Don't you already have enough trouble updating your existing blog, averaging like 3 posts a week with one of them being a mostly wordless Wednesday that you stick up there mid-weekend?

That's the beauty of this new site: YOU get to do the work.(1) We just take all the credit.

Meanwhile David from Someone in a tree (2) is wondering:

Doesn't this kind of thing already exist? Like Secret tweet?

Well, yes and no. The easiest way to explain is to show some examples:

secrettweet 13662 Everyday I silently curse my parents for my circumcision. It was the worst thing they ever bought for me.

Compare to this:

spineless whine #1: My floor is sticky: One of the kids spilled a fruit cup on my kitchen floor and my cleaning lady doesn't come until Monday. I don't think I can live with it that long, but I don't know where the mop is.

Which one can you relate to? More importantly, which one do you want floating through your subconscious the next time you have sex? How is this even a contest?

PCSguy (3) weighs in:

Did you know I refilled your meds? They're on the top shelf in your bathroom.

Check. Thanks.

Meanwhile, over in Maryland, Stimey is curious:

Will you bring spineless secret whine toasters to BlogHer '09?

Obviously. Marinka promises, nay, swears, this thing is going to make us rich. And then there will be toasters for everyone.

.5) Although now SG is wondering if it shouldn't be Secret Spineless Whines and she wants to ask Marinka, who promised constant contact via bat phones but who admits this late in the game that she can't remember her new blog's name? And yes, .5 It's frickin midnight, I am not renumbering these footnotes.
1) Just by emailing your whine to SecretSpineless.Whine@blogger.com
2) SG's next scheme will be a gay psychic blog.
3) PCSguy has a new blog but it is dull, dull, dull, so no linky love for him. I also won't friend him on facebook, but that's a different issue for another day.

Ten things ShallowGal has learned during Alzheimer Grandma's past week in the cardiac critical care unit.

1. How to get to the blue parking garage, the gray parking garage, the cafeteria, the other cafeteria, the coffee shop in the lobby, the gift shop, the auxiliary gift shop, radiology and the place where people with newborns exit. (1)

2. That the morgue has been renamed "The Department of Decedent Affairs." While ShallowGal is very impressed with the lobbying ability of dead people to get a more politically correct name, they probably used the same people the psychopaths used to get renamed "Sarah Palin supporters." Cause neither one is a marked improvement.

3. That one should always wear make-up to the hospital because you never know when you might meet a cutey-patootie cardiologist.

4. That cardiologists don't mind being referred to as "that cutey-patootie doctor."

5. But they still won't write you a prescription for anything good. (2)

6. Bravo should really be called "The Real Housewives of the OC" channel.

7. OC stands for Orange County, not Ocean City. Which explains the distinct lack of airbrushed tee shirts.

Maybe because there's no housewife named Natalie

8. That Gretchen and Lauri are actually two entirely separate housewives. Which explains why SG was having such a hard time following the storyline. For the first six episodes, ShallowGal was wondering why Gretchen/Lauri changed her outfit a dozen times during each meal.

Gretchen is the one in yellow and Lauri is either the one on the left or the one on the right.

9. Alzheimer Grandma is no use whatsoever in keeping Gretchen and Lauri straight.

10. How to read a cardiac telemetry monitor, to recognize the signs of Atrial fibrillation, and the proper doses of benazepril, lasik and dilantin for a 83 year old, 99 pound woman. But still confused on the Gretchen / Lauri thingee. Funny how SG's mind works.


1) Alzheimer Grandma is in a big-ass hospital.
2) Probably because my specific request was "Will you write me a prescription for something good?" Note to self: See what Wikipedia has to say about good drugs so I can be prepared next time.

Mostly Wordless Wednesday: The SG really needs to buy herself one of those newfangled scanners rather than taking pictures of pictures,edition

Alzheimer Grandma holds an eight day old baby Eli(1)

1) So February 2005, right after her Alzheimer's diagnosis. It's amazing how much they've both changed in four years.

ShallowGal speculates on Season 5 of LOST

ShallowGal spent the past month doing nothing but watching the first four seasons of LOST on the SciFi Channel; undoubtedly making her the premier expert between the ages of 38 and 40 in Burke, Virginia on the series. Or at least in the top ten.

Fact/secret I never told PCSguy: Three years ago, while ShallowGal was surfing LOST spoiler forums, her computer went "poof" (1) As a result, ShallowGal has never looked at any LOST related internet site since. (2)

So these theories / speculations (2.5) may already be common knowledge. There's also an excellent chance that not a single reader cares what SG thinks about LOST. But look at it this way; it's better than the depressing Alzheimer Grandma updates.

ShallowGal's LOST theories and speculation

#1) When Sun told Kate, 'I don't blame you for Jin's death'? She was totally lying. Last season she told her father that there were two people she blamed for Jin's death and he was one of them. See how she said "people" not "men." Wouldn't surprise me if she hired the attorneys who wanted Aaron's DNA. Conclusion: Sun is now evil. Watch your back, Kate.

#2) That white haired woman at the end, who I keep wanting to call Lillian for no good reason, is Daniel Faraday's mother. She looks familiar because she was the one who wouldn't sell Desmond the engagement ring last season. In the episode where Desmond tried to become a monk, and the head monk kicked him out, there was a picture on his desk of him with Lillian. Conclusion: Head Monk is in on it.

#3) When Kate took the plea bargain, one of the conditions was that she not leave California. Her lawyer (3) tried to convince her not to take it. Bad move Kate.

#4) Next time John Locke sees Richard Alpert will be in the past. Do you remember the flashback where Alpert "tested" a ten year old Locke, offering him several items and asking him which was his? Locke picked the knife. Buzz! Better luck next time Johnny!

This also allowed Alpert to get in the best line of the entire episode:

Alpert: I won't recognize you next time I see you. You'll need to give me this compass.

Locke: What does it do?

Alpert: It points North, John.

#5) Examples this episode of 'loops': the record skipping and the use of the line "God help us all."

#6) Are we really supposed to believe that in 108 days on the island, Jin learned enough English to understand "We don't have enough liquid nitrogen to keep the c4 from detonating." Because I could spend the next 108 years studying Korean and still not get that far. (4)

1) Just like the island, I know, right?
2) Except, of course, Wikipedia, which doesn't count.
2.5) Speculates is a really weird word which makes me think always of speculum.
3) Also known as Bill Paxton's polygimist brother. You got a huge cash settlement from Oceanic Airlines, Kate. You could have afforded a real lawyer.
4) There was originally a joke here about my cleaning lady's English but PCSguy said I crossed that line again.