6 ways to (find a good reason to cheer for the Giants on) Sunday

Fact: ShallowGal is a huge Giants fan. (1 + 2) Not some band-wagon hopper either, a true-blue, since before Phil Simms announced "I'm going to Disneyland!" or Tiki Barber started doing fashion commentary on Project Runway fan.

Now be forewarned, this is quite possibly the most controversial topic that ShallowGal has ever tackled. More contentious than the sock post even. PCSguy, whose boss' boss (3) hails from Boston suggested that my football views might cause him some amount of problems. I'm willing to risk it; my readers are entitled to ALL the facts heading into Sunday's big game.

Thus, with no further introduction (4) SIX reasons why you should root for the Giants.

Reason #1) Tom Brady is a skank. Oh yes he is. What would you call the guy who leaves his pregnant girlfriend for a Brazilian supermodel? And then insists that the baby have his first and middle name? That boy needs a good ass-kicking in front of all of America.

Reason # 2) You ALWAYS root for the underdog.

True Story: We rented Underdog a few months ago, the kids (never having seen the original cartoon) really liked it. Now when you push Eli on the swing high enough to run under (you know, an underdog) he yells "Underdog the movie!!" How cute is that?

Seriously? That's not a good enough reason? Fine. I have more.

Reason #3) You know the phrase "winners never cheat and cheaters never win?" Right. Enough said.

Reason #4 ) Eli Manning is adorable. Also since the playoffs began, I've taken to calling my Eli (5) 'Eli Manning' He might actually think that's his name now. I'm willing to risk a minor identity crisis for a Super Bowl title.

Reason #5) Hitler was a Patriots fan.

Reason #6) Because when the Giants lost to the Patriots back in December I told PCSguy that they'd avenge themselves in the Super Bowl. For real ! And he laughed at me.



1) And Yankees and Rangers. However I like the Wizards in basketball and the Nationals and Cubbies for National League baseball. Got all that?
2) I am like this close to deciding between first person and third person because it's even making me crazy.
3) That phrase tests like every apostrophe rule ever made.
4) Can you even imagine? Without an introduction these posts would be like 24 unrelated words and some punctuation.
5)No relation to Eli Manning (but related to me) Seriously, I'm going to need a footnote to explain the joke in the footnote.

Man Cold

In honor of PCSguy's trip to London (1) I thought I'd share this bloody brilliant video from BBC's hit comedy ManStrokeWoman.






You know that just reminded me of the time back in November when Eli got pink eye. Our pediatrician is a fairly decent guy and wrote the eye drop prescription with 5 refills, figuring pink eye usually spreads like, well, like pink eye.

PCSguy was terrified. He was headed to Florida the next day so he immediately concocted a plan to visit the urgent care in Miami. The urgent care where, for a one hundred dollar co-pay they would prescribe the exact same drops for which he already had a prescription.

Now PCSguy will argue that in the past few years that he's been much healthier than I have, and I will concede that point. (2) However I think the video is suggesting (and if it's on YouTube it must be true) that it is actually the reasonableness of the sick person that we're evaluating.

True story. About 2 years ago, PCSguy had a cold and demanded chicken noodle soup from Chicken Out. No red and white can would cut it, he needed the real deal. The kids and I went to Chicken Out and discovered that soup actually cost more per gallon than gasoline. We bought a small container and came home.

PCSguy ate about 2/3 of the soup for lunch. That night at dinner he asked for more soup. Rather than go back out, I added some Swansons broth to the leftover soup. And he was happy.

The next day for lunch, I added a can of Progresso soup to the Chicken Out / Swansons mix. And that night at dinner, after I had added a chicken-flavored broth cube and some boiling water to the crumpling Chicken Out container, PCSguy actually said, "You can really taste the difference with the real chicken soup instead of that canned stuff." I swear to blog.

This is where the picture of a sick PCSguy would go
but trust me, you do not want to see that.

1) To learn what's new about printer cartridges on that side of the pond.
2) These kids are like really talkative petri dishes.

Usually I'm pretty low key about potty training. Hell, with Jake I actually called it "Potty Learning" because you train dogs but children learn. Lordy was I ever a granola-flavored pain in the ass. I used to brag to all my friends how I calmly told Jake that his Thomas the Tank Engine underpants were in the drawer and to tell me when he wanted to wear them. The next day he announced he was ready. Voila.

There's never really pressure on me to move the kids out of diapers because they all went to a Jewish preschool that doesn't care about that. Jews are so progressive that way.

Eli, however, needs to start using that potty, and stat. We're headed on a nice vacation and he can't go to "camp" in diapers or pull-ups. He's been playing around with the whole idea of the potty for well over a year, it's time to pull off that super absorbent band-aid and go cold turkey on the diapers.

We own every potty-related book and video ever made. They're all super supportive too, all "don't worry, everyone has an accident sometimes but next time you'll make it." Well that's easy for you to say Mr Rogers because you aren't the one doing three loads of laundry a day and having to figure out where to get the couch cleaned. (1)

Elmo and Bear in the Big Blue House are all well and fine but I've decided to take a more aggressive approach with Eli. I started by creating my own coloring pages. Feel free to use them.


First up, the Little Einsteins:

Possibly too subtle, and hey June, how about playing a little hard to get? Show isn't called Little Tramp, at least not yet.

Dora's very influential, let's see what she has to say about this:


I should write a parenting book.

It's so on ShallowGal.

1) And yes, I know Mr Rogers is dead so there's no way he can come help with the laundry.

ShallowGal and posse take a field trip.

Lately my kids have been off school more than they've been in school. First it was MLK day on Monday and then Friday it was National Answer Your Cat's Questions Day or something, I don't know, and frankly don't really care.

Fine. Somebody has to get some knowledge into these kids and if the school can't be bothered then I'm going to have to do it. We live in Washington, DC for crikes sake, there is no end to the free educational opportunities available to us.

So off we took, to the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum. There, among the largest collection of space and aviation artifacts in the entire United States, we learned two very important facts.

#1) The McDonald's inside the Air and Space Museum is the most expensive fast food I have ever purchased in my entire life.

I know that my discerning readers like proof

Apparently both Israel and Iceland have tried to claim the title of Home of the most expensive Big Mac. (1) They've never been to this little pocket of Chantilly, Virginia. Four happy meals and a chicken salad set me back THIRTY dollars. There's an actual economic theory behind this called the Big Mac index. Simply put, the dollar is actually weaker (2) in Chantilly than anywhere else in the world.

Now these happy meals are pretty much the same little hamburger, small fries and chocolate milk you'd get anywhere else in the lower 48, with one important distinction. These happy meals included a toy only available at the Smithsonian, a little airplane flown by Ronald McDonald that actually sparks when you slide it fast along the ground. This lead to our second great learning experience . . .

#2) Where ShallowGal and family learn that some marketing genius thought it would be a good idea to put FLINT in a happy meal toy.

Flint. Nature's very own fire starter. Did you ever see that episode of Survivor where there was a tie at tribal counsel so there was a fire starting challenge and after like an hour the two contestants hadn't been able to start a fire with flint so they got matches and they still couldn't start a fire? Well my kids are way smarter than that. Why not give them some bleach and ammonia while you're at it? Lordy.

The kids are off again tomorrow. We're educated enough now, thank you very much; we'll be heading back to the mall, where it's safe.

Oh yeah, we also saw planes.

1) Iceland actually tried to use that fact in a tourism brochure.
2) Or maybe stronger, it's a complicated theory.

Third children

You know that e-mail that the same friend sends you every 6 months, with the subject line that says fwd:fwd: fwd: fwd: this made me think of you! LOL!

The one that compares your first baby with your third. Like how you name your first baby when you're 6 months pregnant and the third by his first birthday.

So I ask you: Do third children really get the short end of the stick?

True story: When Jake went for his Kindergarten evaluation, the teacher handed him some scissors and a piece of paper and asked him to cut a straight line. Jake looked at the scissors and then looked her straight in the eye and said " I've never seen these before in my life." I was mortified; I mean why was I spending all this money on pre-school if they weren't going to teach him to use scissors?

Eli, however, was born knowing how to use scissors. In less than a minute he can push a chair to my desk, find the carefully-hidden scissors (1), move the chair to the pantry, reach the highest shelf, find the carefully-hidden cookies, neatly cut open the package, and help himself to an even dozen.

Point goes the the third child.

Sure there's the issue of hand-me-downs:

It matches his pink hand-me-down car seat nicely.

Enough said. Point goes to first-born.(2)

Tie breaker: Birthday parties.

Noa's second birthday party was a barnyard extravaganza complete with hay rides, pony rides and a barn shaped cake. We invited 60 of our closest friends and Noa wore a boutique outfit embroidered with farm animals.



Eli's second birthday included his three best friends(3), an Elmo video and moms drinking bloody marys in the kitchen. A freak snowstorm closed schools and bumped the guest count to include nine siblings and a handful of neighbors.

I wore my fancy slippers for the occasion

Remember Noa's barnyard cake?

He looks happy now but I suspect this picture will be used against me in the future

For Jake's third birthday party we rented out a children's museum. Unfortunately the museum has since closed so for Eli's third birthday we planned something similar to his second.

Deja vu all over again

Aha! You think that I didn't even take pictures of Eli's third birthday and tried to pass off pictures of his second party instead. Wrong ! I spent a long time looking for pictures of his party and couldn't find them and then remembered that his birthday is actually next month and the party hasn't even happened yet. So there.

Game, set and match to first child. But don't you worry about Eli. I have a suspicion he's going to be fine.

1) That PCSguy would never be able to find
2) And yes, my first-born was a boy but we were way too poor back then to afford a Hanna Andersson snowsuit.
3) Otherwise known as the same-aged children of my best friends.

Special thanks to Donna for the fantastic black and white shot that totally captures Eli's personality. Check her out, she does brilliant work !

Peoples Court with Judge (your name here)

Look who's here. It's my favorite reader ! Oh my gosh, you look great today. Have you lost weight?

Oh, I just remembered. As long as you're here would you mind settling a little dispute between PCSguy and myself? He's busy upstairs so I'll objectively provide both sides of the discussion.

Issue: PCSguy wants to put a basketball hoop in the driveway.

ShallowGal says:

As much as I know you'd love to have a hoop in the driveway, with the porch and garage addition there's just not that much room.

PCSguy:

But you promised.

SG:

Yes. Back when we only had a carport and a few ugly plants in the front yard I promised. But now we've spent a lot of money on upgrades that leave the driveway less than 120 square feet. Also the small amount of driveway that's left is sloped at a steep downward angle towards a very busy street where people drive very fast.

PCSguy:

But hoops are fun.

SG:

I agree, I'd like to have a hoop too. But there are 2 hoops on the cul-de-sac 25 feet away, I'm sure you could use those. Plus the hoop base would kill the grass that we spent all last summer trying to grow. It would also break up the small amount of empty yard that the kids use for throwing the frisbee or football. Plus I'd have to move the car everytime they wanted to play. And an errant ball could break one of the new garage light fixtures or that ceiling fan on the front porch that took us months to find.

PCSguy:

But what about Jake's basketball scholarship?

So my most favorite reader, what do you think? You be the judge !

PS: Only one day left to enter my name this mystery object contest !

The apple marries the other apple that didn't fall far from the first apple's tree

ShallowGal is fully aware exactly how many of you feel sorry for poor PCSguy (1) and wonder what on Earth possessed him to marry someone so ditzy.

I'll tell you why: he didn't know any better. Alas, PCSguy comes from a long line of crazy.

All the regular disclaimers about how much I love my in-laws(2) apply. And let me make this clear; ShallowGal is NOT laughing at them. I am simply providing evidence and quite possibly YOU are the one laughing at them, so turn that wiggly finger right back around.

Let's call PCSguy's parents Millie and Phil. (3) Phil died in 2004 and we all miss him very much. Millie is almost 80. They've owned this 4000 square foot house for forty years and in that time have accumulated a lot of stuff. One of my biggest fears (4) is that Millie will break a hip and I will have to spend the next eleven years trying to clean out that house.

Every weekend, PCSguy and I go down to her basement and try to spend an hour "decluttering."(5) Last weekend we tackled a book shelf filled with 800 pounds of urban planning textbooks from the fifties. This weekend we hit the workroom.

Remember when I told you guys about Phil's pants stretcher. You thought I was kidding?

Patent pending

Amateurs collect bags. Professionals collect prescription bottles with the labels carefully soaked off.

ShallowGal is having a contest this week for all her loyal readers. The first reader to correctly identify this item in the comment section will win a pair of Aerosole boots. No wait, that's not me. The winner will receive a prize selected specifically for him or her direct from Millie's basement. (6)

Employees and husbands of ShallowGal are not eligible to enter.

Full disclosure: Millie actually brought me these several months ago. But they go perfectly with my theme and it's my blog.

Sorry PCSguy, I'm going there.

Sort of ringing a bell right? Oh yeah, that's it ! These are the tampons that were removed from the market TWENTY EIGHT years ago after they were discovered to be the cause of toxic shock syndrome. Girls(7) let's do a little math here: 80-28= already in full blown menopause anyway. Back in the seventies, P&G sent Millie this nice little gift which she didn't need, couldn't use, and could have killed her and still she kept it.

This is why PCSguy doesn't even bat an eye at a small box of lonely socks. Small potatoes.

1) The exception being the people who work with him, they feel he got what he deserves.
2) When we got married, Millie told me she always wanted a daughter and didn't even imply "Oh well, you'll do."
3) Get it? Mother-In-Law / MIL / Millie and Father-In-Law/FIL/ Phil.
4) After bears and Lucy impersonators, of course
5) Decluttering here is defined as filling two large garbage bags with crap that we hope Millie will never miss and sneaking them to the curb while hiding from the kids and occasionally snagging something to sell on e-bay.
6) Or instead can be named "ShallowGal's reader of the week."
7) Because every male reader is long gone.