In honor of the Jewish New Year AND the election, ShallowGal phones it in.

Ketiva ve-chatima tovah. May you be written and sealed for a good year.

ShallowGal and the (somewhat) selfless act

This morning ShallowGal was at the bank. Apparently there's something wrong with the economy, maybe, (or was it astronomy?) and ShallowGal thought maybe she could be of some assistance.

The bank manager told ShallowGal about a new promotion; open a new checking account and get a $50 Visa gift card. Now ShallowGal already has two checking accounts; the joint account with PCSguy for bills and her secret account. The secret account is in case SG needs to bail in the middle of the night. (1) Or PCSguy needs bail in the middle of the night. But that would probably come out of the joint checkbook anyway.

With an extra $50, ShallowGal would treat her family to Chinese food tomorrow night after swim practice. At the good place too, not the crappy buffet.

But then the bank manager started to mess with ShallowGal's head. She said that instead of $50, they would instead donate $100 to ShallowGal's favorite 501(c)(3) charity. King Solomon himself never faced such a choice!

Clearly this is a test of ShallowGal's character. And there is little that ShallowGal excels at more than fake secret tests of character. Except maybe quizzes about reality television shows on Bravo. (2)

ShallowGal's favorite charity is UNICEF. Instead of feeding her family fried dumplings, UNICEF would take the money and give FIVE HUNDRED children measles vaccines. Oh they are good at fake secret character tests, these people.

But then ShallowGal thought of something she likes more than Chinese food, and possibly even more than measles shots (3) And that is comments.

So here's the deal. Leave a comment telling SG if you would take the $50 or donate $100 to charity, and if so, which charity. On September 30th, one comment will be "randomly" (4) chosen, and the money will be donated to that charity, in that commenter's name.



1) However SG will not get far as the secret account has about $400.
2) Hot Tranny Mess for $200, Alex!
3) That's going to count against me on the fake secret character test, isn't it?
4) Randomly is is quotation marks because we all know that these things are fixed. But it's going to a charity, for sure.

ShallowGal, as seen by a 3 1/2 year old

Kid, I could not agree with you more

In which ShallowGal works through her writer's block with various forms of plagiary (1)

ShallowGal rarely talks about her favorite blogs; mostly because there's an excellent chance you'll go there and won't come back, but also, just in case she needs to resort to plagiarism.

Quick tangent: According to Wikipedia, self-plagiarism is a serious problem. (2) Which reminds SG of this conversation she had with her always stoned neighbor while digging out her car back during the blizzard of 1996:

StonerNeighbor: Hey you're a lawyer, right?

ShallowGal: Maybe. (3)

SN: I have a question. If we build an igloo and get stoned inside and then the igloo collapses, are we liable?

SG: Liable to who?

SN: Good point. Want to come in our igloo and get stoned?

SG: Maybe. (3.5)

So now on top of everything, SG needs to worry that she's going to be liable for copying her own essay on her pot holder drawer.

To be fair, when ShallowGal first shared her pot holder drawer, this blog averaged 11 hits a day, 9 of which were PCSguy. So this is new stuff to most of SG's three dozen or so readers. It's like if Tolstoy wrote a novel when he was eleven called "civil disobedience and friendship." (4) Where's the harm?

Now that we've dismissed the self plagiarism charges, let's get to the point. Over the years, ShallowGal has followed many great women. She still worships Bossy. And will continue to get small tattoos between her toes honoring Jenny the Bloggess. (5) But SG's newest obsession is June Cleaver Nirvana.

Every Monday, Holly hosts a potluck where (among other topics) she talks about her coccyx and describes the contents of her fruit bowl. ShallowGal's coccyx is clearly off limits.

But like four days ago, when ShallowGal started what she thought would be a quick filler Thursday post, she decided to rip off Holly's brilliant idea without actually being a loser copy cat because . . .

ShallowGal actually has three fruit bowls.

The first one has 2 onions and some garlic. The second one has a bunch of random winter squash that will either be a Halloween decorations or compost. Because winter squash is yummy but a massive hassle.

The third fruit bowl contains this:

Hence the reference to ShallowGal's pot holder drawer.

In no particular order: Ketchup flavored potato chips, a Diego leapster game, the instructions to the badminton (6) set, an open single serving package of chex mix, the top to the lemonade pitcher, some chocolate teddy grahams, 3 pairs of toddler sized souvenir Alaska socks, a paper towel sample which SG was saving for a special occassion and garlic which thought it was too good to be in the first fruit bowl.

But remove the top layer of crap, and possibly, just possibly we'll find fruit.

An optimist. How cute.

"But ShallowGal," you wonder aloud. "You pay $24 a week for a delivery of local organic produce. Where do you keep that?"

Silly reader. I store that in the delivery tub next to my desk.

1) ShallowGal would like to go on record as saying that plagiary is the single hardest word she's ever tried to spell. It took 2 adults with advanced degrees two different dictionaries to figure it out. PCSguy still isn't convinced it's really a word.
2) And we all know if it's on Wikipedia, it must be true.
3) The answers to the following questions are ALWAYS maybe: Are you a lawyer? Is that your child?
3.5) Do you want to get stoned in my igloo? The third in the trilogy of mandatory maybe answers.
4) SG did not really just compare herself to Tolstoy.
5) How full of yourself do you have to be to link back to your posts about other bloggers instead of to that blog itself?
6) This post just officially became SG's worst spelling nightmare. Badminton. Please. Not only has SG been spelling it wrong for almost 40 years, she's been saying it wrong.

Less Words Wednesday

Because Stimey worried that she had the weirdest three year old (1+2)

1)Not pictured: camouflage rain boots. Never mind that it wasn't raining. Or the jungle. And there's little to no chance he's blending in with his surroundings anyway.
2) School. He was dressed up for school. You can't even imagine the outfits that get worn for hanging around the house.

When ShallowGal throws a party

ShallowGal THROWS . . .

Count em, FOUR different moonbounces

A . .

popcorn, cotton candy and sno cones.

PARTY.

Yes Virginia, there is a beer truck.

We're not talking those lame events she puts on for her own flesh and blood to celebrate their birthdays; we're talking about a party for 500 total strangers to celebrate some random building getting new hardwood floors.

Let's compare. For Eli's third birthday we borrowed the private dining room of Alzheimer Grandma's nursing home and ate pizza while coloring Diego pictures downloaded from NickJr.com. Even more depressing than his second birthday. Luckily there's no photographic evidence. (1)

For the random building, ShallowGal spent an entire summer planning the carnival shown above.

In my own defense, what does a three year old need with a beer truck?

But just in case, could someone photoshop a cake with three candles into a picture for me? Maybe the one with the four moonbounces?

On a completely unrelated note, I have finished planning Jake's Bar Mitzvah. It will be held in the parking lot, with a beer truck, moonbounces and sno cones. Considering the alternative, I suspect he'll jump at it. (2)


1) Which makes me sound like a better mother, if I forgot the camera or if I thought the entire affair was too depressing to record for posterity? Cause that's why there are no pictures.
2) Get it, Jump at it? Moonbounces? Yeah, I doubt Jake will feel very punny about it either.

When ShallowGal cannot just live and let live

ShallowGal considers herself open minded. Hell, one of her best friends is a Republican. Another is a size 2 and maintains an immaculate house. ShallowGal loves them just the same.

Then the man in front of her in line at Starbucks ordered a tall vanilla latte + protein, with soy milk, in a grande cup, extra hot.



I'm sorry, I'm too upset to finish. Some people just go too far.