The time ShallowGal told PCSguy the vasectomy didn't take

Hey there PCSguy ! How's Chicago? Sell many printer cartridges? Remember the time we went to Vegas and the omelet guy at brunch told us that he had two kids after his vasectomy? I don't know why I thought of that.

I was thinking about the very first time I ever told you I was pregnant. June 1997: I was like 11 minutes pregnant. But I was so excited that I drove to your office to show you the pregnancy test. We jumped up and down in the parking lot across from the Crate and Barrel outlet. We kept that secret for 13 weeks because we were so superstitious. Our own little secret.

The second time I was caught a wee bit off guard. Remember how the sewer pipe had burst and there wasn't any water in the house? I kept thinking that it was so ironic that I had to pee so badly all of a sudden when there wasn't a working bathroom. Finally the light bulb went off and I explained to the plumber why I was crying about a sewer pipe. Then I tried to teach Jake to say "I'm going to be a big brother" but he wasn't even two yet. But you were the third to know. Hey I was already 8 weeks pregnant, there wasn't much point keeping it a secret.

The third and fourth times are kind of a blur. It was the winter of '03 and spring of '04 ~ during that time when your dad was so sick. I can't remember how I told you but I'm sure it wasn't anything special. Even with all this practice, I've never been good at breaking the news in a particularly clever or original way.

So the fifth time I was totally freaked out. 2004 had just sucked big time, with the 2 miscarriages and then your dad's death. I told you in the kitchen while I was cooking dinner. You had been traveling but I didn't want to tell you on the phone and I had already told a few of my friends. Fine all my friends. But I needed my maternity clothes back, otherwise I probably would have told you first.

The sixth time was kind of a bad scene. I vaguely recall hurling a pregnancy test at you while you were watching tv. After I lost the baby at 10 weeks, I felt really bad about that.

I don't suppose you see where this is going by any chance?

Hmmm, let me think

Yes, I know you're tired and jet lagged but c'mon, put on that thinking cap. Maybe one of you can give him a hint?

Oooh, I know, I know !

Happy April Fools Day, PCSguy, 3 hours early.

ShallowGal's dilemma

ShallowGal has a dilemma. (1) Jamie Lynn Spears' baby is due in three months and ShallowGal cannot decide on a present.

Think about it: ShallowGal is Paris' BFF and Jamie Lynn's sister used to be Paris' BFF so there's pretty much no way ShallowGal isn't going to be invited to the shower. Luckily, Jamie Lynn put together a baby registry.

One of ShallowGal's greatest pleasures is mocking other people's baby registries. Sometimes ShallowGal will type in random names (2) into the registry finder. Then I'll yell at these silly first time parents via my computer screen about how they don't need to actually register for a plastic rattle. Somebody will buy them one anyway. Their child will indeed learn to rattle.

But I digress. To be fair, Jamie Lynn did a decent job. Although that black car seat and stroller will get hot in the Louisiana sun. And the bugaboo is so pretty in red. Seriously, what's with all the black, it's a baby, Jamie Lynn. Let go of some of that teen angst. And sweetie, don't you think the tabloids are going to have a field day once somebody buys you that industrial sized breast pump? Nickelodeon paid you well, you can spring for that one.

Mostly though I'm glad she isn't patronizing that miserable boutique who wouldn't help us with our dishwasher.

Fact: ShallowGal can hold a grudge for a very long time.


1) Dilemma is totally one of those words that looks so wrong if you look at it too long.
2) Or even ex-boyfriends names.

A tale of four dishwashers

When Charles Dickens (1) said "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" clearly he was referring to the state of my kitchen appliances.

Because in the 9 years we've lived in this house, guess how many dishwashers we've had? Four? Huh? That's a silly answer, where'd you get that?

True story: When ShallowGal was in the fourth grade she had to take a reading workshop called "jumping to conclusions." I'll see if they still offer it. Maybe y'all can get a group discount.

Anyway the answer is three. Three dishwashers in nine years.

The first dishwasher was here when we moved in. It was the one put in by the builder back in 1972 and looked like this:

Only in Bisque

When PCSguy and I first lived together we lived next to the airport. And it was still quieter than this dishwasher. This one appliance was the bane of my existence. In appliance-land, it was the worst of times.

In early 2001, I ventured to the Maytag store next to the ice rink to buy the 9100 ~ Consumer Reports top pick for that year. It was glorious. Quiet. Bisque. (2) And best of all, dishes came out cleaner than they went in. Sure PCSguy was unemployed and I was deep in the throes of post partum depression but seriously, it was the best of times.

Until the day we got struck by lightening. The whole house. So we went back to the Maytag store and laid out $700 for the exact same dishwasher sans fried circuit board.

Maytag had used that time to tinker with this model, making it into something that you'd find in an elegant model home. Assuming that model home was in Hell.

Instead of water, #3 used battery acid. Dishes came out faded and chipped. Instead of a motor, a bunch of rocks tumbled around making the dishwasher slightly louder than a jackhammer. We returned to the Maytag store to complain, only now it was a baby boutique. And they refused to help us, even though we had the receipt. Bastards.

It was us or him. Finally ShallowGal agreed to replace this machine with the Kenmore Ultra Quiet deluxe that's actually made by Bosch. In Bisque (3) On my way to the Sears "last ever sale on dishwashers ever" I stopped at Costco to see if they had a better deal.

And instead ShallowGal spent all her money on a Wii. The end.



1) Or William Shakespeare maybe? 11th grade was a long time ago
2) Bisque, by the way, is the fancy appliance name for beige.
3) Millie had to replace her fridge recently and was devastated to learn she could not get it in harvest orange. No point, I just thought it was funny.

An actual conversation with my Mother-in-law last weekend

We're in Millie's kitchen. She offers the kids cantaloupe. So I mention:

Did you see that story on the news about the salmonella in cantaloupe from Honduras? Maybe you should throw that one out.

She looks at me like I have 2 heads and talks really slowly:

It isn't from Honduras.

I inspected the melon but didn't see one of those little stickers.(1) I ask suspiciously:

Then where's it from?

Long Pause:

Magruder's. (2)

Lesson learned: Millie does not travel to Central America for groceries.


1) Fact: My kids think the sticker on the fruit like some kind of a little bonus, like the prize in the cereal box.
2)For those of you not from DC, Magruder's is a grocery store. See, you need to know that to make the story funny.

Bossy's Excellent Road Trip

Yesterday ShallowGal did the bravest thing she's done since, well probably the first time she gave birth without any medication (1) She drove to a bar and met a bunch of bloggy strangers.

It was Bossy's Excellent Road Trip and ShallowGal was invited. Not quite an honor like sitting at the captain's table since really all I had to do was e-mail Bossy and then show up. But for me, this was way harder than it sounds.

PCSguy will vouch for this, I'm actually really shy. He calls it introverted and says it mean I get my energy from within or something but basically it means if I haven't known you forever, I'm going to be afraid to talk to you. Unless I'm drunk, like at PCSguy's 20th High School reunion and then apparently I'm going to tell you I'm a thoracic surgeon and ask your opinion on my upcoming boob job.

Fact: ShallowGal is a fun drunk.

So anyway, after like a 50 minute argument with my massively outdated GPS, I showed up 1/2 hour late at the Continental in Arlington. The entire ride I was trying to figure out how I'd recognize everyone and how to introduce myself. Apparently the best I could come up with was "Is this the Friends of Bill W. meeting?" Lordy I'm such a loser. Note to future self: "Hi" works well.

But these people were so cool ! Let's see I met Amie who lives like around the corner from me, and Sarah who gave me a key chain and Devra who I know from somewhere like camp or soccer although she swears she's never seen me before in her life. I also met VUBOQ who was so funny and Gayle who went to Harvard Law and has twins and then this neat girl who came from Annapolis and once ran a marathon. And the pretty redhead with the sparkly sweater who teaches history whose name escapes me but we agreed that Kate is so mean to poor Jon. (2)

And of course I met Bossy. I've adored Bossy's offbeat sense of humor forever, but became truly addicted when she posted this recipe for broccoli casserole. For weeks I went around saying "If it's still box shaped, it's not finished" like an autistic parrot until finally Lolita Travelsalot told me to stop. Plus I'm totally jealous that Bossy is comfortable always posting in the third person while ShallowGal refuses to completely commit one way or the other.

The first half hour was hard. The conversation was in Latin, I think, with terms like twitter and BlogHer. I half expected Bossy and the rest of the bloggers to get into their flying car and leave me back here in 1982.

After my first $2.50 Yuengling I started to loosen up. We got a menu and I suggested ordering one of everything on the half price appetizer menu. I always say, you never get a second chance to make a first impression. Apparently the impression I chose to make was gluttonous.

All in all a ton of fun. Would have even been an opportunity to spread the good word beyond my 7 loyal readers if I could have remembered my flippin URL. Instead everyone else passed out cards and trinkets with their blog address and I kind of stared at the ceiling and mumbled "it starts with a WWW and then blogspot or blogger." First impression baby.

So ShallowGal now has 2 dilemmas. Issue #1: Now that Bossy has come and gone, do I take down her little button on the right? Issue #2: Should I change my URL to something easier to remember like www dot I am a dumb ass.com?


1) Cause the second time wasn't brave, just stupid.
2) I'm sorry ladies, you have to meet me before my second drink to have me remember your name. If you comment, I'll add your name and links !

The 7 is silent

We're in the car and Noa asks

Mommy, can I have some G-U-M ?

I told her I didn't have any, but I appreciated her spelling it. So Eli chimes in

Can I?

Can you what, I asked, knowing full well he had no clue what Noa requested.

Can I have some, um, (long pause) B - X - E- R . . . (pause) 7 ?

Lordy if I had bxer7 I'd give him all of it.

Motherhood has made me cynical

ShallowGal once read this study where researchers had a bowl of goldfish crackers and a bowl of broccoli. They made yummy faces for the broccoli and yucky faces at the crackers. Then they would put out their hand and say "Can I have some?"

14 month olds would give the researcher the goldfish crackers, but at 18 months they would hand over the broccoli. The assumption was that the children began to realize that different people like different things ~ the beginnings of empathy development.

Empathy, Schmpathy. ShallowGal thinks that the older babies were trying to keep all the goldfish crackers for themselves.

Eli claims the smiley fish taste better