How to prepare for a terrorist attack and/or natural disaster: ShallowGal style

I feel like I should start with a disclaimer: I'm not a disaster expert. Pretty much everything I know on the topic comes from watching movies like 2012 and Volcano and Gigli. So if you've reached this page because you have 15 minutes to evacuate your home and you've already wasted the first 2 minutes of that googling "What should I take when I evacuate because of a natural disaster and/or terrorist attack?" please go find some official disaster site. Actually get off the damn computer, grab your kids and your keys and get the hell out of dodge. I'm sure you'll pass a 7-11.

But hopefully you're reading this preemptively. First you need one of those big rubbermaid bins with a matching latching lid. You might want to pick a color that matches your living room decor, that way you can use it as a coffee table. (1) I taped a supply list to the front for ease of identification.

Which is more disturbing, that half the list is missing or
that not a single item is checked off? (2)

You need to put a great deal of thought into packing these disaster kits. They need to provide everything a family of 5 needs to survive for three days. Every inch of the bin should be carefully allocated to the bare necessities. (3)

As in "Congratulations, you have survived the Apocalypse."

Let's keep looking. Next up, three platters, my favorite of which has broken. (4)

My thinking was probably that the banner
will have drawn all the other survivors
and they'll be expecting nibbles.

But before we can throw this big shindig to celebrate our survival, we actually need to do some surviving. C'mon, Amy. Check the damn half-list.

Would you be surprised to learn that neither flashlight has batteries?

Next up, a large purple beach bag stuffed with essentials. Maybe not stuffed, but definitely essential.

Essential if I need proof that I've been to Ocean City
or I need to build a quick IKEA bookcase
or measure Jake for a skating dress.

After 9/11, when I extensively researched evacuation kits, there was a lot of discussion about grapefruit seed extract and oil of oregano as all-purpose magic must haves.

Although it really only had the effect of making the box smell
like an Italian restaurant.

All joking aside, a first aid kit is a necessity.

I'm prepared for basically any injury sustained during the apocalypse
as long as it's a headache or a skinned knee.

Maps! This makes sense because there's a good chance that the satellite that controls the combined 4 GPS's (5) in our cars have been affected.

This way I can get from ground zero to ground zero. Or Delaware.

Under the maps, a great surprise! I have been looking for this vacuum attachment for, I kid you not, 4 years. I've been vacuuming my house with the little round attachment that you use for dusting.

Life as you you know it is over, but cheer up, I found the vacuum attachment!

Score! Duplicate maps!

We're reaching the bottom. The things that were so important that I must have packed them first. A dinosaur puppet. A sixth map.(6) A can opener and a novelty bottle opener. A blush applicator and a bow.

Actually the bow may come in handy for the house warming present

for the lucky Delaware resident I drop in on.

1) The whole point here is that you want to grab your emergency kit and run, gaining you valuable time ahead of the competition your neighbors.
2) Answer: Neither. Just you wait.
3) ♫ The simple bare necessities! ♫
4) Meaning the volcanoes have already won.
5) GPS' ? GPSes'? GPS's's? GPSi ?
6) Of Delaware, natch.

How to do a science experiment, ShallowGal style

This post is written to honor Susan, aka WhyMommy, who is simultaneously the smartest and the strongest woman I know. Kick some cancer ass Susan!

Not to put too fine a point on it, but really, I think we can all agree that all science experiments boil down into one of 2 camps:

1) Those conducted with mentos and diet coke
2) Those conducted without mentos and diet coke.

And I'm sure you can guess where I pitched my virtual tent.

Purpose of experiment: Show Susan how much we love her by comparing the reaction of mentos with diet coke as compared to the reaction of mentos with generic diet soda.

Hypothesis: That somebody will have a meltdown before the end of this experiment. Probably Noa. And that kids will want to eat the mentos. Also I'll taste the remaining diet coke and decided that with a little rum, it's still drinkable. Yes those are all hypothesis. Hypothesi? Hypothesises? (1) And that generic diet cola will not have as big a reaction cause honestly, it tastes more like diet pepsi than diet coke. (2) Hey! Can one of you kids go run to the 7-11 and buy diet pepsi, cause coke vs pepsi would be a better experiment. What do you mean you're only five? You know where the 7-11 is. Yes, the place where Mommy buys lottery tickets. It's not too far. No I have to stay here and guard the mentos. Fine. We'll save that experiment for next year's science fair.

Observation: That sure enough, all of the kids wanted to eat the mentos. And upon realizing they were the mint flavored ones, they spit them out. And stuck them in the generic cola before I had my camera ready, and created only a mini-geyser, thus ruining the entire experiment. And resulting in a mass meltdown.

Conclusion: Mentos/diet coke science is way harder than you think. (3)


1) C'mon Spell-check, a little help here.
2) Or diet shasta. Remember that crap?
3) Still, I expect at least a ribbon since I properly followed the Hypothesis / observation / conclusion model.

How to make your own yogurt, ShallowGal style, and other half-assed topics

Over the past few months, SG has started several posts that were headed absolutely nowhere. So they sat in her draft folder for months and months. Then one day SG posted a ridiculous bunch of random thoughts about comments and got 21 comments in return (1) Turns out you guys don't expect me to have a point.

1) Last month I made yogurt in the crockpot.

Hands down the crunchiest thing I've ever done.
Crunchy in a creamy way.

I used this recipe which called for a gallon of organic milk and (wait for it) yogurt. So it's like if you were going to make a lasagna and the ingredient list called for meat and cheese and, oh yeah, a little tiny lasagna. But everyone in real life that I test drove that joke on, went off on some scientific tangent about starters.

2) Then there was the time that SG decided to solve the Craigs List killer mystery.(2)

This post was thwarted by SG's inability to post a decent screen shot.

Basically SG was trolling Craigs List and found this guy who was willing to barter his income tax expertise for a massage. On April 16th. Busted. But then it wasn't him. I tried.

3) Today is PCSGuy's birthday. But we celebrated that last year, and we have to be careful not to set a precedent here.

4) I think it's only fair to warn you guys that SG is on a diet. The South Beach Diet. The diet where SG can't eat cookies. And she simultaneously gave up diet coke. Because SG is not going to be Forty AND Fat. It's one or the other, and I can't change my birth certificate. Trust me, I've tried.


1) Although PCSGuy claims I was basically begging for comments there. Pity comments, he may have called them.
2) What's the most important part of telling a joke?TIMING. That joke isn't too funny in print but in real life, it's hilarious. And before you accuse me of misnumbering footnotes, the point was that blogging about the Craig's List killer now is akin to blogging about the 2007 Miss Universe Pageant.

How to Plan a Baycation, SG style (Now with music!)

Baycation
all I ever wanted

Baycation
had to get away

Baycation
meant to be spent alone (1)


Step 1) Plan multiple trips to Costa Rica for Spring Break, but ultimately back out because you don't want to leave grandma. Complain endlessly, to anyone who will listen, about lack of exciting plans.

Step 2) Real life friend, Lolita Travelsalot points out ad in Washington Post for the Hyatt Regency Chesapeake Bay Golf Resort, Spa & Marina. Decide to take combined six children for one night.

Step 3) Pack. Total baggage for a one night trip: six bathing suits and changes of underwear, 5 ipods, 4 Nintendo DS and a cooler full of beer and cheese sticks.

Step 3.5: Load up the car and plug in children

Step 4) Warn children to use potty before leaving house. This car will not stop for the next 101 miles.

Unless the moms get a hankering for an Egg McMuffin & coffee

Step 5) Arrive and enjoy everything the Hyatt has to offer: indoor pool, water slide, moon bounces, chair massages, face painting, exploring the marsh, watching the cooking demonstrations, making s'mores in the fire pit, playing with the giant chess set and the ever popular elevator button pushing. Wear children out.

PCSguy was curious if I turned him back around after taking the picture
Let's just go ahead and say "yes."

Step 6) Return home. Coin phrase 'baycation'. Plan to retire early on royalties.

Bottom Line: Hyatt Regency Chesapeake Bay Golf Resort, Spa & Marina~ sixteen thumbs up!

1) You do not even want to know how long it took SG to come up with that song. Hey Hyatt people, feel free to use it! Thanks for the fruit basket!

How to handle a fruit fly infestation, ShallowGal style.

1) Admit you have a problem. (1) Admit you are powerless over millions of teeny flies that swarm possessively throughout your kitchen.

2) Send Jake to google "fruit flies in pantry." Still feeling all Vermont-y, decide against chemical solution and make two fruit fly traps using a water bottle and apple cider vinegar. (2)

3) Empty everything from the afflicted pantry. Scrub shelves.

SG considers it a small victory that she didn't repaint the pantry whilst she was at it. Baby steps.

4. Place contents haphazardly on kitchen table. Realize you now have no place to eat. Remember nice big table on deck. Check weather: no rain expected until Saturday. Problem basically solved. (3)

4) Become sidetracked by checking expiration dates on food. Today's winner: baking powder that expired in 2004. Realize explanation for 4 1/2 years of flat cookies.

5) Faithful readers totally know what happens next. ShallowGal replaces all the spices in the pantry alphabetically. Food is harder to organize so ShallowGal decides she needs more modular mates. Logs on to tupperware.com but her hunter green color has been discontinued. Starts surfing eBay. Stumbles upon something called oso * Fresh. Spend rest of the night googling why silver helps keep food fresh.

5) Lose interest in the entire project. Hope kitchen fairies make overnight visit.

Bad kichen fairies.

1) Jokes about alcoholics? Never get old. Hence, SG's new label "SG hopes they serve beer in Hell."
2) Someone actually invented a trap that catches the fruit fly but doesn't harm it so you can take it back outside and release it outside. This is a bug with a life span of 7 days. You make the call.
3) Except for the fruit flies and the crap on the kitchen table.

How to Plan a trip to Disney World ShallowGal style

Step 1: Admit that I am powerless over my addiction. My vacation planning addiction that is.


Step 2: Recognize a greater power can give strength. Choose appropriate greater power.

ShallowGal is going to hell for this one. Not sure it was worth it either.

Step 3: Get postcard from Disney World offering 40% off for certain dates that just so happen to coincide with kids' fall long weekend. Accept that it's a sign from some greater power. Yes, that is totally what the 12 step people meant.

Step 4: Do not tell the kids you're going to Dick's house.

How to replace a missing drivers license ShallowGal style

Step 1) Go to REI to pick up pre-ordered jacket for Alaska trip. Dorky manager insists on seeing picture identification before releasing package. Open wallet, sort thru 11,000 cards and receipts but find no drivers license. Empty contents of purse on floor of REI. Panic.

Step 2) Fight with manager for several minutes because at $4 / gallon, will you please look at all this other crap as proof that I'm me. Insist that there's no possible way to return to REI before trip next month because now I also have to go to DMV. Scream something like "I'm only one person, dammit" Cry.

Step 3) Duck as manager basically throws jacket at me. Doesn't hurt because jacket weighs mere ounces. Wonder if jacket is too light to be warm enough for Alaska in June. NOT THE PROBLEM AT HAND SHALLOWGAL. Return to current problem.

Step 4) Concentrate really hard on last time ShallowGal saw missing license. Consider eating scone. Scones help concentration. Eat scone.

Step 5) Remember (1) that SG used license as identification previous day at the gym when couldn't find gym membership card. Marvel at fact that ShallowGal knows whereabouts of all three kids.

Step 6) Call gym.

Step 7) Search car top to bottom.

Step 8) Call gym again. Cry. (2)

Step 9) Admit defeat. Log on to Virginia DMV to try to obtain replacement license. Who can squint the hardest and see where SG ran into problems here?

Yes! In addition to being vague and unhelpful, the DMV site is actually blurry.

Right. In order to obtain a new drivers license you need your customer number which exists in one place and one place only. Anyone? YES! To get a replacement for a lost or stolen license you need the number that is displayed (for your safety and convenience) only on your license.

Step 10) Think of DMV jokes:

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on.

The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the Superbowl, dirt bikes, and so on.

The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are things at the DMV these days?"

Step 11) Remember that ShallowGal has a very anal mother, father, step-father, mother-in-law and father-in-law. ALL of these people insisted repeatedly that SG removed the contents of her wallet and photocopy everything for just such an emergency. Look for this documentation. Find copies of all five of the parental units drivers licenses and passports. Show-offs.

Meanwhile ShallowGal thoughtfully photocopied credit cards from 3 stores that have gone out of business (3) and two library cards.

Step 12) Resign to spend next five hours at DMV. Find good book. Hire babysitter. Get in car, move assorted papers and drivers license out of cupholder to make room for diet coke.

Wait. Never mind.

Step 13) Vow to photocopy entire contents of wallet tonight. Unless, you know, something better comes up.


1) Behold the power of the scone.
2)ShallowGal is hardly one for crocodile tears but hey, it worked at REI.
3) Hechts, Pier one kids and Storehouse furniture.