Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Shallow-land. A play in 3 scenes

Scene 1: ShallowGal and Noa are discussing Noa's interim report in which her teacher suggests (1) that her classwork would benefit from less talking in class.

SG: Talking in class is a bad habit, like biting your nails. You just need to make an effort to stop.
Noa: Like you're so perfect.
SG: Name one bad habit I have (2)

Noa: Turning boxes inside out.
SG: That's really more of a lifestyle choice.

Scene 2: ShallowGal is measuring Noa for the skating dress she is having made (3) for the upcoming competition season. (4)

SG: You're between a 6 and an 8 but we'll go with the 8 because it's easier to take in than let out.
Jake: What size would I be?
SG: If you wore a skating dress?
Jake: Yes.
SG: Let me get this straight. I need to finish ordering this, clean up your dinner dishes, put Eli to bed, make my own dinner, supervise showers and teeth brushing (4) all in the next like 45 minutes so I can get 7 hours sleep before I have to wake up and do it all over again, but you'd like me to stop and measure you for an imaginary hypothetical skating dress?
Jake: Never mind.
SG: That's what I thought.

Scene 3: The dinner table.

Eli: Knock knock

SG: Who's there?

Eli: This blonde walks into a room.

SG: Wait. You're four. Where did you learn blonde jokes?

Eli: My worms (5) told them to me.

SG: Your worms told you a knock knock jokes about a blonde?

Eli: My worms told me the knock knock joke and my duck told me the blonde joke.

SG: So what's the punchline?

Eli: I still like yogurt!

SG: I don't get it.

Eli: Never mind.

and FIN.

1) In no surprise to anyone who has ever met Noa.
2) Eating in bed, too much reality tv and referring to myself constantly in the third person are the ones that come to mind. I don't know if Noa was overlooking them out of obliviousness or self protection.

3) Read "having made"as "won on ebay"

4) Meaning the competition at our home rink. ShallowGal has no delusions about her kids skating careers; they are good skaters but not 'leave the state good'.

5) Because I haven't yet caved to the pressure of a dog, Eli owns several imaginary pet worms, as well as a frog and a duck.


vuboq said...

I can sell you some real pet worms, if you need. Cheap! Although the imaginary pet duck might eat them.

Anonymous said...

SG has no faults.

Beth said...

This sounds like a Broadway blockbuster!

Ali said...

You are hilarious. At least when I read you I can feel that my kids aren't so unusual for all their "special" moments.

countrymouse said...

My kids used to say cute things. Like when Youngest was 3 and got new shoes, he proudly told me, "Now I can jump higher than a sheep!" huh?

Now all my kids do is bicker with each other and try to get out of chores . . .

Thank you for moving the brownie picture down out of my sight : )

the mama bird diaries said...

Measure the poor kid for his imaginary skating dress!

David said...

Poor Jake. Now he has nothing to wear for his imaginary skating competition! What will he say at the imaginary press conference?

iMommy said...

Oh hai, I'm super behind in blog commenting/reading.

Your posts crack me up, but I have a short attention span, so I forget what I just read before I get to your footnotes. As a result, I end up scrolling up and down really fast to figure out what's going on, which wouldn't be so bad but my scrolling finger starts to get sore on the long posts. I just wanted you to know and to get this in writing so that when I sue you for the damages and medical bills, you'll know I'm not faking.

Sorry, my comment is totally as long as your post, and not related to anything :)