Thursday, November 19, 2009

Diary of a Turkey

I found this essay on the computer, and knew I had to use it as a guest blog (1). I'm pretty sure it's a school writing assignment, although it wouldn't be the first time we've had a poultry-related hacking incident. The footnotes are mine, as is the blame for the substantial technical difficulty, but the rest is completely unedited.

Diary of a Turkey

by Jake, age 11

May 21, 2005-I was born today. My parents named me Big Bird, for I am the smallest of the birds. They are sarcastic.(2) I am also light gray, and very strong. I didn’t fit in. I didn’t… I’m really sensitive about it, just don’t talk about it. (3) Nobody thought that that was a problem, except the wise old owl down the street….

Nov 22, 2005-Thanksgiving is coming fast, in a few days. A few of my friends are disappearing, and I know I’ll disap…. *faint*

Nov 22, 2005- later-I wake up. I see shining metal and smell the scent of Thanksgiving. Is Thanksgiving coming already? I think I’m going to puke!

*actually wake up*

Nov 22, 2005- a lot later-now I see I’m in a slaughterhouse, and I see a lot of turkeys, stressed out, inside plastic pens. I know that I can escape; I have an IQ in the 20’s! I see a door, and light shining out of it! I run and OWWWWWWWWW!

I think it’s an electric door. Well, no fried turkey for them! I lined up numerous pieces of hay, and push them towards the door. They burn up, and along with them goes the pen. I run, and run and fly! My joy is short lived, though. An animal control man comes and puts me in a cage. I try to break free, but his IQ must be….. *GULP* higher than mine!

Nov 23, 2005-I wake up to a sharp pinch in my right wing. Then, I feel numb and tingly. Then a man came up and gave me more shots, and then pulled the first one out.

I snap into reality. He conducts simple tests, flashcards, etc. and I feel smarter. I see a paper with my IQ, and it says 30! WOW! I know I can escape now. I am put in a perplexing mirror maze and I run through the maze and I fly!!!!! I look back and read the sign on the building. I CAN READ!

It says: sparrow rehabilitation. They thought I was a sparrow! *sigh* I fly away into the broad sunset. YAY!

Thanksgiving day, 2005- I wake up in a cozy little den. I won’t be taken for Thanksgiving, but last minute hunters might…. Bang! I hear gunfire. I fly away and fall on my stomach. Bang! I run and fly. It’s not as exciting now. I fly towards my home.

(I can see it!) And I see that many turkeys… Bang! Another gunshot. Darn tears. Many turkeys are gone. “Mommy? Daddy? Are you there?” No reply. The only ones left are the runts, who are good for nothing. Hey is that ME? *Lower in self esteem*

Day after thanksgiving, 2005- I hold a mourning service with myself and lie down in peace. Then more animal control people with freakishly high IQ’s come and take me away. They bring me to the Vermont Federal Zoo. (4) They begin to put me in the tiger cage. (Food?!) Then they pull me out and place me in the… you ready for this…bald eagle cage! *Sigh*

Nov. 26, 2005- the rest of the story gets rather boring. I escape, get captured by a bank robber, stop a bank robbery, escape again, meet a girl, get married, and have a few children, get a job at a pastry chef’s office, become a published author. You don’t want me to tell you about it. Ok maybe you do so read it in

Diary of a Turkey II: Big Bird’s Revenge!

Coming soon to a library near you! (5)

  1. And yes, I got permission from the author
  2. The imagination on this kid!
  3. :-(
  4. Vermont Federal Zoo? Suddenly that B last quarter in Social Studies seems generous.
  5. Watch my 11 year old land a book deal before me.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Top 10 reasons why ShallowGal isn't participating in NaMamPoBo

10: I don't know what it means. Give me a minute, let me google up some excuses.
9: Aha. Cause there's no such thing. Very sneaky sis.
8: There's NaNoWriMo which involves writing a whole novel in one month. ShallowGal can't read an entire novel in a month. And SG's only word processing program is text edit (1) which is the computer equivalent of sticky notes. Although, like footnotes on a blog, the kitsch factor of writing a novel on sticky notes allows one to get away with less plot.
7: Then there's NaBloPoMo where you blog everyday for a month. November has 30 days. You do the math. (3)
6: But not only have I not been writing my blog, I haven't been reading yours either. So we're even. You're welcome.
5: This is the worst list ever. No wonder it took like 3 weeks to write. And David Letterman hasn't called.
4: Part of the blog silence is that SG is concerned that she might run out of topics. Given that her draft folder is filled with half-written essays with titles like "adventures in generic tampons" you should be concerned too.
3: Very concerned.
2: Because this came in the mail today:

Along with a note demanding $6.95 or I'll never see another recipe for Quick bologna quesadillas.

And the number 1 reason why SG isn't participating in NaMamPoBo: She went on a girls trip to Chicago; she's completely hooked on new Fall television like V, FlashForward and of course Real Housewives of the OC; these short days really take a toll on her mood ; she's taking her family to Mexico and has to clean the house for the dog-sitter.

1) SG also doesn't have any ink in her printer. It's like the shoemaker's kids going barefoot. (2)
2) Cause I'm married to a printer cartridge salesman. Get it? Although it's time to come clean, he's technically the International Vice President of Printer cartridges. But I still don't have any fucking ink, so who cares?
3) What do you mean, what math? 30 days times 1 post a day = 30 posts.