Thursday, November 19, 2009

Diary of a Turkey

I found this essay on the computer, and knew I had to use it as a guest blog (1). I'm pretty sure it's a school writing assignment, although it wouldn't be the first time we've had a poultry-related hacking incident. The footnotes are mine, as is the blame for the substantial technical difficulty, but the rest is completely unedited.

Diary of a Turkey

by Jake, age 11

May 21, 2005-I was born today. My parents named me Big Bird, for I am the smallest of the birds. They are sarcastic.(2) I am also light gray, and very strong. I didn’t fit in. I didn’t… I’m really sensitive about it, just don’t talk about it. (3) Nobody thought that that was a problem, except the wise old owl down the street….

Nov 22, 2005-Thanksgiving is coming fast, in a few days. A few of my friends are disappearing, and I know I’ll disap…. *faint*

Nov 22, 2005- later-I wake up. I see shining metal and smell the scent of Thanksgiving. Is Thanksgiving coming already? I think I’m going to puke!

*actually wake up*

Nov 22, 2005- a lot later-now I see I’m in a slaughterhouse, and I see a lot of turkeys, stressed out, inside plastic pens. I know that I can escape; I have an IQ in the 20’s! I see a door, and light shining out of it! I run and OWWWWWWWWW!

I think it’s an electric door. Well, no fried turkey for them! I lined up numerous pieces of hay, and push them towards the door. They burn up, and along with them goes the pen. I run, and run and fly! My joy is short lived, though. An animal control man comes and puts me in a cage. I try to break free, but his IQ must be….. *GULP* higher than mine!

Nov 23, 2005-I wake up to a sharp pinch in my right wing. Then, I feel numb and tingly. Then a man came up and gave me more shots, and then pulled the first one out.

I snap into reality. He conducts simple tests, flashcards, etc. and I feel smarter. I see a paper with my IQ, and it says 30! WOW! I know I can escape now. I am put in a perplexing mirror maze and I run through the maze and I fly!!!!! I look back and read the sign on the building. I CAN READ!

It says: sparrow rehabilitation. They thought I was a sparrow! *sigh* I fly away into the broad sunset. YAY!

Thanksgiving day, 2005- I wake up in a cozy little den. I won’t be taken for Thanksgiving, but last minute hunters might…. Bang! I hear gunfire. I fly away and fall on my stomach. Bang! I run and fly. It’s not as exciting now. I fly towards my home.

(I can see it!) And I see that many turkeys… Bang! Another gunshot. Darn tears. Many turkeys are gone. “Mommy? Daddy? Are you there?” No reply. The only ones left are the runts, who are good for nothing. Hey is that ME? *Lower in self esteem*

Day after thanksgiving, 2005- I hold a mourning service with myself and lie down in peace. Then more animal control people with freakishly high IQ’s come and take me away. They bring me to the Vermont Federal Zoo. (4) They begin to put me in the tiger cage. (Food?!) Then they pull me out and place me in the… you ready for this…bald eagle cage! *Sigh*

Nov. 26, 2005- the rest of the story gets rather boring. I escape, get captured by a bank robber, stop a bank robbery, escape again, meet a girl, get married, and have a few children, get a job at a pastry chef’s office, become a published author. You don’t want me to tell you about it. Ok maybe you do so read it in

Diary of a Turkey II: Big Bird’s Revenge!

Coming soon to a library near you! (5)

  1. And yes, I got permission from the author
  2. The imagination on this kid!
  3. :-(
  4. Vermont Federal Zoo? Suddenly that B last quarter in Social Studies seems generous.
  5. Watch my 11 year old land a book deal before me.


Wendi said...

He's going to land a book deal before any of us. Very creative.

Marinka said...

A turkey that can read? Yeah, I don't think so, kid. (love this)

The Zadge said...

Sense of humor and command of the English language clearly are inherited traits!

heather said...

I love the plug for the next installment! What a riot!!!

country mouse said...

The fainting and the IQ of 20--omigosh, that kid is hilarious!

tattytiara said...

That was awesome. Seriously.

*Wonders if internet asides are going to become standard literary form in the future.*

David said...

Ah, the joys of creative writing assignments. How I miss them.

Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

dammit, that turkey is smarter than me!

Awesome story!

hokgardner said...

Absolutely awesome!

marathon mom said...

Damn, I did not realze turkeys were so hung up on IQ. I wonder why Michael Moore hasn't cracked this one wide open?

Sue @ Laundry for Six said...

*totally loving the asides*

**And? The most excellent use of freakishly, which is quite possibly my favorite word.**

Beth said...

This kid is super creative AND sarcastic. I love sarcasm in kids!

whymommy said...

Nicely done!

(poor turkey)

xoLaLa said...

thats hilarious! So adorable. I work with children and this is the sort of thing I love getting to see on a regular basis.

Anna Lefler said...

This is awesome!

And if your 11-year-old gets that book deal, well...actually that will probably happen, dammit.

Love your blog!

:-D Anna

Kannan said...

This blog is good.