Turducken - gate 2009

When ShallowGal started blogging, she spent many, many hours deciding what kind of blog she wanted to write. Finally she settled on writing a Canadian blog.

But then SG decided she didn't want to be pigeon-holed. (1) Which is why this particular post has lingered in the draft folder for several weeks. (1.5)

Because nobody likes a cooking-failure blog. But everybody wants to read about turduckens. It's the classic Catch-22 scenerio, just like Joseph Heller alluded to.

Without further ado: ShallowGal's turducken's debacle time line.

This picture borrowed from affordableturducken.com
because the only thing crazier than a chicken stuffed in a duck stuffed in a turkey
is overpaying for it. (2)

1 week prior: See half-price turducken while perusing clearance meat department. Decide to fulfill PCSguy's second greatest poultry-related fantasy.

3 days prior: Move bird from freezer to fridge to begin what box claims will be a 36 hour thaw. ♫ A 36 hour thaw. ♫ (3)

Noon, the big day: Turducken still mostly frozen. Against better judgment and actual health department training, move turducken to kitchen counter.

3:00PM: Place turducken, covered in recycled foil (3.5), in 325 degree preheated oven for its three hour tour. (4)

5:00 PM: Check turducken's temperature. 120 degrees. Boost oven to 350.

5:15 PM: Answer endless questions from 4 year old about whether the chicken swallowed the duck before or after it got eaten by the turkey. Listen to 11 year old laugh uncontrollably at the idea that the chicken was probably stuffed up the turkey's butt.

6:00 PM: Take turducken's temperature. 135 degrees. Boost temperature to 400 degrees and stick a tray of frozen appetizers in as well.

6:20 PM: Feed posse bacon-wrapped filet on teeny toothpicks. Discuss possibility of ordering pizza.

7:00 PM: Scream at PCSguy that this is clearly his fault for coveting such a freak of nature.

It looks more like a chicken and a duck inside a turkey together
while I was led to believe the duck was inside the chicken
or possibly vice versa. At this point, we don't know.

7:30 PM: Decide to serve the posse the outermost pieces. Serve PCSguy a piece that looks like the duck's kidney. Save the rest to make turducken curry the next day. (5)

7:31: The posse announces that it tastes like turkey loaf. Nobody asks for seconds, although everyone does ask if SG plans to blog about this. ShallowGal bites back the words "I told you so" because rather than tasting sweet, it tastes kind of poultry-ish.

1) And there's the slight issue of not being Canadian. Unless I'm in the running for best Canadian blog, and then let's throw another shrimp on the barbie.
1.5) Since May 26th to be exact.
2) That's not their official tag line, but they are welcome to it. I foresee no further use for it here.
3) To the tune of the Gilligan's Island Theme song, in case you're Canadian, like me, since we just watched DeGrassi and ice hockey.
3.5) I may poison my family, but I'm saving the planet, dammit!
4) I really wish I had saved that joke, it's better here.
5) Do I even need to tell you that never happened?

An Accounting of ShallowGal's Summer

Miles driven, without ever leaving Fairfax county: 490
Times driven past the gym while wearing workout gear (1) : 42
Times SG has entered the gym: 0

Amount spent on emotional / behavioral testing for child who shall remain nameless: $2500
Number of recent tantrums from that child: 0
Number of recent tantrums from other 2 children: 11

Cases of swine flu: 2
Hours spent in ER: 5

Number of swim meets attended: eleventy billion
Number of points Noa has scored this summer for her team: 12 1/2
Number of points Noa scored total her past 3 years on the team: 2 1/2
On a scale from 1-10, Jake's jealousy at his sister's success: 5

Summer workbooks purchased: 4
Summer workbooks opened: 0

Number of ideas SG has had for a blog post: 28
Number of times SG sat down to blog and instead researched Costa Rican surf schools: 28



1) Conveniently located next to Eli's camp and the skating rink.

What happens when 4 year olds are unsupervised on You Tube

Apparently Jake left the computer browser on You Tube. (1) Eli was following the directions from the nice man on the Disney Channel who told him to go to Disney channel and type in key word Oso. And now he sings this ALL. FUCKING. DAY. LONG.

He's covered in pop tarts, paint and band-aid. He's so gross that even he can't stand it (2)

Eventually ShallowGal remembered some 7th grade Spanish and solved the mystery. (3)

Considering the other words Eli knows how to spell,
I'd say we really dodged a bullet.
Although after a few hundred viewings of this, a little porn doesn't seem so bad.

Next, SG should get Eli to fix the html code because she can't figure out how to un- italics stuff and fix the formatting.


1)Yes, I know.
2) At the end of his video he says "I'm going to go run my bath."
3) Oso must be Spanish for Gummy Bear.

Get your ShallowGal fix here

Dear Reader:

Yes, ShallowGal's been MIA lately. It's been a giant clusterfuck of stomach flu and burst pipes around here.(1) And lethargy. Lots of lethargy.

But SG did manage to squeak out something over at DC Metro Moms. I know I have no right to ask anything of you, but if you feel it in your heart, please head over there and give me some lovin'. Muchas Gracias.

And there are about a dozen posts stacked in my draft file, all with exciting titles like "my garden" and "this is not my mother's gourmet club" so don't give up on me quite yet.

xo, SG

1) Why do those 2 things always occur simultaneously in this house?

Why my book club is better than your book club (1)

1)

Don't get all up in my grill, it's well past 5 o'clock (2)

2) We're not all caught up in the old-fashioned idea that we actually have to read a book. Don't get me wrong; we all read plenty of books, just not the same one at the same time. That way we can pass around one copy. Saving trees and being fiscally responsible.

3) Really there isn't a number 3 (3) but having the same numbers repeated on the list and footnotes was kind of confusing. (4)

1) Cause he eats kennel rations.
2) In Paris.
3) Cause I don't want you to feel bad about your inferior book club.
4) No footnote either but we could be here all night otherwise trying to conquer my OCD.

Mostly Wordless Weekend. A Public Service Announcement: PCSguy-Style

Do not pick a fight with your wife while you are on the roof cleaning the gutters.

Because the ladder is light and the ShallowGal, vindictive.


The posse is generally on ShallowGal's side.
Especially when she offers ice cream with the after-dinner show.

Even if they could be bribed from the roof,
the posse's ideas are derived from cartoons and generally impractical.

And for some reason, nobody seems to be out walking their dog tonight.

Note: No PCSguys were harmed in the making of this PSA. Yet.

Just when you thought that ShallowGal had taken the 3 bottles of Pantene and left the country

But really SG was just overwhelmed with the concept of writing eleven different names on little pieces of paper, finding a hat, rounding up the posse, explaining the concept of just picking one name, taking the paper out of the hat, writing posse's names on little pieces of paper and picking those to determine who gets to pick their little piece of paper first.

You'd consider taking the conditioner and leaving the country too.

But after a week of paralyzing anxiety, SG simply decided to go the random number generator route.

Even the internet is fucking with me this morning

According to the time stamp, it took seven full minutes
for SG to figure out how to handle this mini-catastrophe.

Marathon Mom, Inna and Julie ~ congratulations! Please email me your address.