Thursday, January 29, 2009

Mostly Wordless Wednesday: The close enough edition

Frustrated by my unwillingness to buy them snuggies,
my kids take matters into their own hands. (1)

1) And theirs are possibly better, because of the anonymity option, as modeled by Eli.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

ShallowGal answers the questions you didn't even know you had about the new blog you didn't even know she had:

Yes, a new blog! But don't worry, LeShallowGal isn't going anywhere. Except either Mom 2.0 or BlogHer, she hasn't really decided yet.

But yes! A new blog, a joint venture with the fabulous Marinka entitled Secret Spineless Whine (.5)

She brings the cat and the brains and I bring the beauty. Except Caitin & I did all the technical stuff and PetCo won't let Marinka adopt a cat. But you know, it's all good.

I know what you're thinking VUBOQ:

Don't you already have enough trouble updating your existing blog, averaging like 3 posts a week with one of them being a mostly wordless Wednesday that you stick up there mid-weekend?

That's the beauty of this new site: YOU get to do the work.(1) We just take all the credit.

Meanwhile David from Someone in a tree (2) is wondering:

Doesn't this kind of thing already exist? Like Secret tweet?

Well, yes and no. The easiest way to explain is to show some examples:

secrettweet 13662 Everyday I silently curse my parents for my circumcision. It was the worst thing they ever bought for me.

Compare to this:

spineless whine #1: My floor is sticky: One of the kids spilled a fruit cup on my kitchen floor and my cleaning lady doesn't come until Monday. I don't think I can live with it that long, but I don't know where the mop is.

Which one can you relate to? More importantly, which one do you want floating through your subconscious the next time you have sex? How is this even a contest?

PCSguy (3) weighs in:

Did you know I refilled your meds? They're on the top shelf in your bathroom.

Check. Thanks.

Meanwhile, over in Maryland, Stimey is curious:

Will you bring spineless secret whine toasters to BlogHer '09?

Obviously. Marinka promises, nay, swears, this thing is going to make us rich. And then there will be toasters for everyone.

.5) Although now SG is wondering if it shouldn't be Secret Spineless Whines and she wants to ask Marinka, who promised constant contact via bat phones but who admits this late in the game that she can't remember her new blog's name? And yes, .5 It's frickin midnight, I am not renumbering these footnotes.
1) Just by emailing your whine to
2) SG's next scheme will be a gay psychic blog.
3) PCSguy has a new blog but it is dull, dull, dull, so no linky love for him. I also won't friend him on facebook, but that's a different issue for another day.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Ten things ShallowGal has learned during Alzheimer Grandma's past week in the cardiac critical care unit.

1. How to get to the blue parking garage, the gray parking garage, the cafeteria, the other cafeteria, the coffee shop in the lobby, the gift shop, the auxiliary gift shop, radiology and the place where people with newborns exit. (1)

2. That the morgue has been renamed "The Department of Decedent Affairs." While ShallowGal is very impressed with the lobbying ability of dead people to get a more politically correct name, they probably used the same people the psychopaths used to get renamed "Sarah Palin supporters." Cause neither one is a marked improvement.

3. That one should always wear make-up to the hospital because you never know when you might meet a cutey-patootie cardiologist.

4. That cardiologists don't mind being referred to as "that cutey-patootie doctor."

5. But they still won't write you a prescription for anything good. (2)

6. Bravo should really be called "The Real Housewives of the OC" channel.

7. OC stands for Orange County, not Ocean City. Which explains the distinct lack of airbrushed tee shirts.

Maybe because there's no housewife named Natalie

8. That Gretchen and Lauri are actually two entirely separate housewives. Which explains why SG was having such a hard time following the storyline. For the first six episodes, ShallowGal was wondering why Gretchen/Lauri changed her outfit a dozen times during each meal.

Gretchen is the one in yellow and Lauri is either the one on the left or the one on the right.

9. Alzheimer Grandma is no use whatsoever in keeping Gretchen and Lauri straight.

10. How to read a cardiac telemetry monitor, to recognize the signs of Atrial fibrillation, and the proper doses of benazepril, lasik and dilantin for a 83 year old, 99 pound woman. But still confused on the Gretchen / Lauri thingee. Funny how SG's mind works.

1) Alzheimer Grandma is in a big-ass hospital.
2) Probably because my specific request was "Will you write me a prescription for something good?" Note to self: See what Wikipedia has to say about good drugs so I can be prepared next time.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Mostly Wordless Wednesday: The SG really needs to buy herself one of those newfangled scanners rather than taking pictures of pictures,edition

Alzheimer Grandma holds an eight day old baby Eli(1)

1) So February 2005, right after her Alzheimer's diagnosis. It's amazing how much they've both changed in four years.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

ShallowGal speculates on Season 5 of LOST

ShallowGal spent the past month doing nothing but watching the first four seasons of LOST on the SciFi Channel; undoubtedly making her the premier expert between the ages of 38 and 40 in Burke, Virginia on the series. Or at least in the top ten.

Fact/secret I never told PCSguy: Three years ago, while ShallowGal was surfing LOST spoiler forums, her computer went "poof" (1) As a result, ShallowGal has never looked at any LOST related internet site since. (2)

So these theories / speculations (2.5) may already be common knowledge. There's also an excellent chance that not a single reader cares what SG thinks about LOST. But look at it this way; it's better than the depressing Alzheimer Grandma updates.

ShallowGal's LOST theories and speculation

#1) When Sun told Kate, 'I don't blame you for Jin's death'? She was totally lying. Last season she told her father that there were two people she blamed for Jin's death and he was one of them. See how she said "people" not "men." Wouldn't surprise me if she hired the attorneys who wanted Aaron's DNA. Conclusion: Sun is now evil. Watch your back, Kate.

#2) That white haired woman at the end, who I keep wanting to call Lillian for no good reason, is Daniel Faraday's mother. She looks familiar because she was the one who wouldn't sell Desmond the engagement ring last season. In the episode where Desmond tried to become a monk, and the head monk kicked him out, there was a picture on his desk of him with Lillian. Conclusion: Head Monk is in on it.

#3) When Kate took the plea bargain, one of the conditions was that she not leave California. Her lawyer (3) tried to convince her not to take it. Bad move Kate.

#4) Next time John Locke sees Richard Alpert will be in the past. Do you remember the flashback where Alpert "tested" a ten year old Locke, offering him several items and asking him which was his? Locke picked the knife. Buzz! Better luck next time Johnny!

This also allowed Alpert to get in the best line of the entire episode:

Alpert: I won't recognize you next time I see you. You'll need to give me this compass.

Locke: What does it do?

Alpert: It points North, John.

#5) Examples this episode of 'loops': the record skipping and the use of the line "God help us all."

#6) Are we really supposed to believe that in 108 days on the island, Jin learned enough English to understand "We don't have enough liquid nitrogen to keep the c4 from detonating." Because I could spend the next 108 years studying Korean and still not get that far. (4)

1) Just like the island, I know, right?
2) Except, of course, Wikipedia, which doesn't count.
2.5) Speculates is a really weird word which makes me think always of speculum.
3) Also known as Bill Paxton's polygimist brother. You got a huge cash settlement from Oceanic Airlines, Kate. You could have afforded a real lawyer.
4) There was originally a joke here about my cleaning lady's English but PCSguy said I crossed that line again.

Monday, January 19, 2009

We interrupt our regularly scheduled posts (1)

because ShallowGal is in the hospital with Alzheimer Grandma who is suffering some cardiac problems. And Pneumonia. Along with few other minor issues. Which SG found out about after a three hour hour search of Northern Virginia hospitals because someone, who shall remain nameless (2) misplaced Alzheimer Grandma.

Luckily Grandma has been found, but she's missing her clothes, and worse, her teeth. SG had planned to attend Hands on Kirtsy DC and the inaugural tweet-up, but will instead sit in the cardiac ICU and take advantage of the free wi fi. And try to scam one of those awesome pink cups with a built in straw, like you get when you have a baby. Or at the very least, a few containers of jello. But really, SG deserves the cup.

1) There was one for Monday about buying furniture and one for Tuesday about my memories of inaugurations past.
2) Nameless only because SG is still trying to lay blame. But once she does this person will be instantly recognizable by the new asshole SG plans to rip him.

Friday, January 16, 2009

How to sort your laundry, ShallowGal style

Being just the teeniest bit OCD, SG has a laundry sorting system. (1) She has TWO 3 section laundry sorters, plus two stand alone hampers. On an average week (2) there are:

2 loads of whites on warm
2 loads of colors on cold
2 loads of towels and dishcloths
1 loads of sheets
1 load of denim
1 load of PCSguy laundry (3)
1 load of red and pinks.

This week SG hit a new milestone:

An entire load of khaki (4)

SG may have to give up blogging to start sorting laundry full-time

1) And the fact that I've waited 15 months to talk about it is a testament to my fantastic self restraint. Actually this has been a huge growing year for SG, because for 9 years she would use no detergent except for Tide Free and just in the past few months has expanded to Tide Free 2x ultra concentrated.
2)Average is another word for vomit-free.
3)Which to prove some long-forgotten point he does himself every Saturday morning.

4) With the beginnings of an orange load next to it.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Why yes, I do believe this is the post everyone and his blog-writing brother do when feeling just a wee bit lazy

Ala David Letterman, who SG hasn't stayed up late enough to watch in years (1)

The top ten Google searches that bring poor, unassuming new readers to

(Source: Sitemeter. The free version. Because this shit is interesting and all, but not pay-good-money- interesting.)

#10: Crocs Cyprus review
SG really dodged a bullet there.

#9: Jenny the Bloggess photo(2)
She's very pretty. Still, say no to cyber-stalking.

#8 (tie) : Little Einstein Potty Coloring Page:
SG is waiting for Disney to order her to take this one down.

#8 (tie): The girl who played with first book lisbeth salander 3 ft tall:
The scary thing is I totally get what this person was searching for.

#7: Blogging ethics:
You are so looking in the wrong place.

#6: Frontier Airlines:

Bottom line: They don't like rats.

#5: How to tell someone something really embarrassing
I think it's best to just spit it out. But if it's really really embarrassing you should tell me first and we can have a good laugh before you tell that person.

#4: Describe Alaska/ Describe Alsaka
It's very pretty. And cold. And SG wishes spell check worked in the title box.

#3: House Hunters/House Hunters in Mobile Alabama / House Hunters Jewish
Other people are starting to realize that the fix is in. Unfortunately a third of people think the Jews are behind it, when the Dharma Initiative is. (3)

#2: 21 things I love about my daughter in honor of her birthday.
I've never met your daughter, but I'm sure she's lovely. From what I've heard, Facebook is where you go for things like that. Or My Space, maybe.(4)

And the # 1 search that brings people to LeShallowGal

#1: What do I pack for Disney?

Lots and lots of cash.

(1) SG has been up late enough with various babies maybe a dozen times in the past few years and every single time they were replaying the same episode. Weird, right?
(2) Hey Jenny, the good news is none of these searches were for Naked Jenny the Bloggess picture.
But only because I don't have any.
(3) That's a little LOST joke. SG's been re-watching all 4 seasons of Lost to get ready for the season 5 premiere.
(4)Until last night, when Lolita Travelsalot set her straight, SG thought they were the same thing.

Monday, January 12, 2009

How to Compain, ShallowGal style.

Complaining is an art form, one that most people do poorly (1) Read and learn from an actual conversation ShallowGal had last week with the fine people at 1-800-Target.

SG: I just found this chicken curry kit that I bought at Target in the back of my pantry. But it says best used by July 2008.

Target: We recommend eating products by that date for the best taste, although they may be safe for up to a month afterward.

SG: But here's the thing. When I opened the package, there was a can of chicken inside that says 'Best used by March 2008.'

Target: Did you consume this product?

SG: No, you're missing the point. The chicken expired three full months before the date on the outside box. If it was June 2008 and planned to make this for lunch and I opened the box and found that the chicken had already expired, I'd be really upset.

Target: I'm not sure I understand what you want from us.

SG: Nothing, I just thought you should know.

Target: Um, thank you?

SG: My pleasure.

Lest you think this was the worst possible reason ever to complain, let's examine a letter written to Frontier Airlines, via Planet Feedback, the mother ship of all complainers.

This man claims that Frontier Airlines killed his six pet rats. Which I personally find hard to believe because I flew Frontier home from Alaska and never saw any examples of rat mistreatment.(2) Furthermore, his rats never even boarded a plane, because it was too cold for them in the cargo compartment.

So, after several hours there I was in the Phoenix Airport, with 1 packback and 3 animal carriers (2 rats per carrier) and no way to get my rats out out Phoenix or house them without giving up ownership. I couldn't go back to Yuma for 2 reasons. 1, I had given notice and moved out of my apartment on Dec. 15th. 2, my mother was in Portland, and dying. It might take 2-6 months for her to die, she said, but who could be sure how long she would live. I had to get to Portland as soon as possible.

So this man found himself in the all too common predicament of being stuck at Phoenix airport with no place to go, a dying mother, and 6 rats. Apparently it never occurred to him to just drive to Portland because instead he gave them up to the humane society who promptly put them to sleep because, hello ! Rats!

So rat dude now wants an admission of guilt and a public apology from Frontier:

Frontier Airlines will publicly apologize for their involvement in the death of my boy rats, will release a statement to the media explaining how Frontier will correct the problem, and will financially compensate me for the deaths of my 6 pets.

Personally if I were Frontier, I'd be all over it. I'd fucking re-write the entire ad campaign to say "Frontier Airline. We'll get you there but we cannot be trusted with rats." Or "All new 737's with 100% fewer rats."

Still, not the oddest complaint on Planet Feedback. Check out this letter:

I saw one of the employees in the Guilford Connecticut store and he refused to help me. He told me it was his day off and he was only taking time away from his day job to get a prescription. He was there anyway so he could get something for me from the stockroom or at least give me the code.Someone was paying him even if it wasn't Walgreen's

They should find out who he was and fire him right away. He has a day job so he doesn't need the job bad enough if he not willing to lend a hand.

SG doesn't even know where to start with this one. Although it is possible ShallowGal is concerned that faux-complainers like rat dude and Walgreen's guy will just water down the true issues like expired curry kits containing more expired-er chicken.

1) Cause they suck and I hate bad complainers. That, FYI, appears to be my standard complaining joke
2) Although to be honest? I flew out of Anchorage with Millie and 3 kids at 11 pm and arrived home at 2 the next afternoon. I wasn't at the top of my rat patrol game.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Guess what ShallowGal bought herself this week

I like to call this one "Eli Standing"

No, really, I dare you. Guess. I'll give you a hint; we already owned the required helmet and Buzz wings.(1)

Yes! A little tiny video camera! The size of my phone! What gave it away? Just think of the inane daily things we can now share! Like this little video montage from Eli's second skating lesson (2)

(1) They are really strict about new skaters wearing costume wings, according to Eli.
(2)With occasional cutaways to that other child, what's his name? Right. Jake. Don't worry about him thou, we have plenty of super 8 footage of him doing pretty much nothing too.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Mostly Wordless Wednesday: ShallowGal tries to remind her readers she is a mostly good person (1) previous Un-PC entry to the contrary

Over winter break, SG & and her friend Linda organized
an ornament painting party at Alzheimer Grandma's nursing home.

3 adults, 8 Kids, 21 residents and not one person knew
all the words to "12 days of Christmas." (2)

1) Plus SG was recently called out for being a Liberal attention whore who does good deeds solely to tell everyone she's ever met about them. I didn't want you to feel left out.

2) Except for 5 Golden rings and the partridge in a pear tree. We overcompensated by singing those lines really loud.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

ShallowGal welcomes 2009

ed note: The following post was written at the urging of Jenny the Bloggess. Right after Jenny begged SG to be her BlogHer '09 roommate. But rumor is that Jenny snores, plus SG wanted the flexibility to bring her pet Giant Squid at the last minute (0), so SG is still, amazingly enough, available for all your BlogHer 09 roommate needs.

As my first post of the year, what I write today sets the bar for all of 2009. That's a helluva lot of pressure for someone who has been wearing pajamas for eleven straight days.

So I've decided to talk about times that people in my family have been confused for retards. (1)

The first time, that I know about at least, was about 15 years ago. PCSguy and I were at a seafood buffet in Ocean City and a bus from a group home arrived. The counselor had arranged a deal with the manager; a reduced price but only dining from the starch and dessert side.

PCSguy had just piled his plate high with crab legs. One of the waiters stopped him. "No," he was told "that's seafood, sir."

And then PCSguy came back to the table (2) and shared this story, having to know full well he'd be hearing about it the rest of his life. Which does make one wonder about his mental capacity.

Last year Jake and I were waiting for the orthopedic surgeon at Children's Hospital for his pre-surgery exam. This dude was taking forever (3) and there was literally nothing to do in the examining room. White walls and a chair bolted to the floor. And no cell phone service. After playing a zillion rounds of "Guess what year this penny is," we were eating the only thing we could find, a handful of loose jellybeans that we found in the bottom of my handbag.

Doc walks in and apologizes for the delay. Jake smiles this huge goofy smile. "Purse jellybeans," he says. And then nothing else for the entire exam. Nothing. No response to "does this hurt?" No answer to "do you have any questions?" I assumed it was nerves and exhaustion, the doctor came to a different conclusion.

What triggered this fairly offensive retrospective? This March Jake will be the honorary ball boy at an NBA game. (4) He'll help rebound balls during warm-ups and gets to stand with the players center court during the National Anthem. It's a big deal, and Jake cannot wait.

Unfortunately what Jake has in enthusiasm, he lacks in athletic prowess. Unless I start home schooling him with a major in dribbling and a minor in "are we the team in white or the other guy?" it's clearly going to be a disaster. (5)

Then it occurred to me: the best case scenario here is everyone will assume he's retarded. Totally gets me off the hook. I could even start a rumor that he's one of those Make A Wish Kids. Whisper it to my neighbor like in that game telephone. Then people will look at me and then at PCSguy and think "Bless her heart raising that child with that bizarre hereditary spastic disorder."

Although I'll be hard to recognize. I'll be sitting like eleven rows away trying to remember if we're the team in white or the other guy.

(0)Or possibly none of that is true and the question remains; why the Hell has that woman not taken out a restraining order yet?
(1) 2009 is apparently the year of pissing off my readers.
(2) Sans Crab legs.
(3) Completely forgivable; he's the best pediatric orthopedic surgeon for 100 miles and a total hottie to boot.
(4) Details to follow after the event. Last thing I need is some politically correct NBA PR person googling this.

(5) Not the National Anthem part. We're cool there. Jake knows all the words and sometimes even accompanies himself on his recorder.