Monday, January 26, 2009

Ten things ShallowGal has learned during Alzheimer Grandma's past week in the cardiac critical care unit.

1. How to get to the blue parking garage, the gray parking garage, the cafeteria, the other cafeteria, the coffee shop in the lobby, the gift shop, the auxiliary gift shop, radiology and the place where people with newborns exit. (1)

2. That the morgue has been renamed "The Department of Decedent Affairs." While ShallowGal is very impressed with the lobbying ability of dead people to get a more politically correct name, they probably used the same people the psychopaths used to get renamed "Sarah Palin supporters." Cause neither one is a marked improvement.

3. That one should always wear make-up to the hospital because you never know when you might meet a cutey-patootie cardiologist.

4. That cardiologists don't mind being referred to as "that cutey-patootie doctor."

5. But they still won't write you a prescription for anything good. (2)

6. Bravo should really be called "The Real Housewives of the OC" channel.

7. OC stands for Orange County, not Ocean City. Which explains the distinct lack of airbrushed tee shirts.

Maybe because there's no housewife named Natalie

8. That Gretchen and Lauri are actually two entirely separate housewives. Which explains why SG was having such a hard time following the storyline. For the first six episodes, ShallowGal was wondering why Gretchen/Lauri changed her outfit a dozen times during each meal.

Gretchen is the one in yellow and Lauri is either the one on the left or the one on the right.

9. Alzheimer Grandma is no use whatsoever in keeping Gretchen and Lauri straight.

10. How to read a cardiac telemetry monitor, to recognize the signs of Atrial fibrillation, and the proper doses of benazepril, lasik and dilantin for a 83 year old, 99 pound woman. But still confused on the Gretchen / Lauri thingee. Funny how SG's mind works.

1) Alzheimer Grandma is in a big-ass hospital.
2) Probably because my specific request was "Will you write me a prescription for something good?" Note to self: See what Wikipedia has to say about good drugs so I can be prepared next time.


Stimey said...

I'm not sure how you manage to be so damn funny when you're going through such a rough time. Are you sure you didn't get the good stuff? Or maybe you're high off the housewives.

Hang in there!

Whymommy said...

What Stimey said.

@#$#. I hate commenting after Stimey.

I'm Julie said...

Me too.

BTW I live not 5 miles from where those "Real" Housewives live. Never bumped into them, however. With my car or otherwise. Though I know people who see them at the market. Buying Botox. And Cristal. And nail files to stab people.

We REAL Real OC housewives are quite embarrassed by the whole thing.

Hang tough, girlfriend.

texasholly said...

So sorry you have to be in this serious situation to be funny. I am pretty sure that Laurie is on the left. Oh, and if you had paid closer attention Laurie is now not even on the show except that she has appeared on every episode since she is no longer on the show. Come to think of it - how are we supposed to know that she is no longer on the show?

Marinka said...

Are you sure these are real doctors? Because I'm pretty sure that 'something good' is med school 101.

Trish and Miller said...

Ok, it is very inconsiderate of you to update your blog while I'm on vacation. I almost ran into another snowboarder while reading your post and laughing out loud.-Trish

iMommy said...

Ok, all those housewives look the same. How do you tell ANY of them apart?

Nicole said...

Not funny and hilarious at the same time! I'm sorry I am laughing. Hope your grandma gets better.
I have never tortured myself into watching those stupid reality shows, besides it would take away precious blogging time!