Saturday, November 29, 2008

Mostly Wordless Wednesday: Thanksgiving edition (1)

Thanksgiving Day 2000 (2)

1) Bite me.
2) That's actually Jake at 2
3/4 not Eli, giving credence to Tracy's claim that I only produce one model. ( The slightly startled Pilgrim is Noa at 10 weeks.)

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

How to pack for Disney World. ShallowGal style

Six months out:

Plan Disney trip. Immediately begin stressing about packing.

Here's the issue: Once ShallowGal has done something well, she expects the same results every time. For example, in 1996 she spent $50 a week on groceries. You cannot imagine how much it chaffs my ass to spend four times that now. And don't go justifying it because she now has 3 growing children. Or inflation. SG ain't buying it. (1)

So re: packing. Once ShallowGal went to New York for the weekend with a roll-on suitcase and a magazine. The bar has been set high.

Three months out:

Like I can remember what I did 3 months ago. Dude, if they weren't being so loud, I'd have forgotten to send my kids to school today.

One month out:

Download packing list off internet. Customize by deleting items like electric skillet , cribbage board, and tuna pouches.(2)

Page 1 of 6

One week out:

Start laying out clothes. You know how some people throw some clothes in a suitcase and hope for the best? SG has a name for them: lunatics.

Half of SG's readers are impressed and half are running for the hills.
When what they should be doing is buying ziploc stock.

Each bag contain one complete outfit; tee shirt, shorts, undies and socks. This prevents kids from suffering a PCSguy-related dressing mishap, like having nothing but a red shirt and green socks.

Bags are then dated to ensure that children match each other (3) and/or wear tee shirts that depict a character they will meet that day. Laugh now, but when I get the perfect picture of Jake with Prince Caspian wearing a Prince Caspian tee shirt, well, now that I put it that way, it does seem kind of lame.

Although SG may need to get herself a Prince Caspian tee shirt.
Or a tattoo.

1) The lame excuses. SG is buying the groceries for her growing children so back off, CPS.
2) But add crock pot and self promoting toaster. Because at this point, I've been so busy packing I haven't had time to see if Orlando has restaurants. And really nothing is more pleasant after a day in the theme parks than hunkering down in your 200 square foot hotel room with a big ol' packet of tuna.
3) But fun matching outfits, not cloying matchy-matchy crap. Here's the diff:

Left: Cloying & Dugger-like Right: Fun, except for the cow

Monday, November 24, 2008

Optimistic or just plain stupid

ShallowGal and PCSguy play this fun little game. But just in case my mom ever reads this blog, instead I'm going to tell you about this kind of lame game we play, called optimistic or just plain stupid?

(Just for clarification, by optimist, SG means someone who is hopeful about the future, not the guy who measures you for glasses. That would make no sense at all.)

For example: Every night ShallowGal sets the alarm clock for 7 am even though her youngest child is actually a human alarm clock who has never slept past 5 am.
Optimistic or just plain stupid?

Answer: Optimistic. Noa used to wake every single morning at 4:30 am. That stopped when she was close to 4 and now she's a total bear in the morning. However, because of that, waking Noa is the highlight of my day. I wake her the way I was woken for 1421 straight mornings; I stand in the middle of her room, scream BANANA ! and then stomp off.

Payback is a bitch and no, I don't feel petty for wanting revenge for something she did as a toddler. You need to take responsibility for your actions, even if you aren't even 3 feet tall.(1)

Ready to play? We can start off slow. ShallowGal has a closet full of size 6 dresses. Optimistic or just plain stupid?

Answer: Just plain stupid. If ShallowGal by some miracle (2) happens to get back into a size 6, she's headed straight to Nordstrom for a whole new wardrobe.

You're really good at this. ShallowGal really likes the grape Dansani water they sell at the gym. It's available at both the snack bar and the soda machine. Every day (3) just to avoid human interaction, SG tries to buy it from the machine even though it usually dispenses the lemon flavor instead. Optimistic or just plain stupid?

Just plain stupid. That machine has never once dispensed the correct drink, if it deigns to let me buy one at all. Not to mention why the hell is ShallowGal paying 2 bucks for a bottle of water anyway?

Tune in tomorrow for another brilliant post. Ha! Brilliant? Tomorrow? Who's the optimist now?

1) Nothing pisses me off more than a shirking midget
2) And by miracle I mean miraculously come across the money for liposuction.
3) Let's pretend every day. Lipo money doesn't grow on trees, apparently.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Five things

ed note: this is likely to be SG's most self-righteous, annoying post ever. I already read it through and SG uses foul language and gets just a wee bit holier-than-thou. You've been warned.

Over the past five years, ShallowGal's family has fostered over a dozen children ranging in age from 2 days to 8 years old. Along the way, we've learned a few things. And lucky you, get to hear them today.

1) Babies suck at Gobblet. Noa beat Baby J 4 times out of 5 and claims she let him win the fifth. Baby J was 3 weeks old and asleep at the time.

2) Everybody needs a hand up from time to time. Anyone who claims otherwise is a loner or a liar. And the people who judge the birth mother most critically, are ironically the same ones who don't actually participate themselves in any community work.

If these detractors would take just 10% of the time they spend criticizing people they've never met and spend it actually helping; well, I'd have to listen to 10% less bullshit and maybe someone's life would be a bit better. Just a thought. No, you and I did not get pregnant at 16. We were lucky. Not better. Lucky.

3) Which leads us to this: Abstinence only education DOES NOT WORK. We need to make accessible to everyone affordable contraceptives and the knowledge to use them effectively.

Not everyone has the RNC behind them to pressure the baby daddy to marry them.

4) The fine people of Arkansas? Are idiots.

Now ShallowGal is outraged with California and Prop 8. Why anyone votes against love is beyond understanding. But the denizens (1) who passed Act 1 in Arkansas, which prevents unmarried cohabiting couples from adopting or fostering children, voted against families.

Clearly the intent of Act 1 was to prevent gay couples from adopting. Which in and of itself is awful. SG isn't even going to bother with the statistics about pedophiles (2) Let's talk about the unintended (?) side effect. Parents cannot be guaranteed that their choice of guardian will be honored if they die. This law could supersede not only the parents' judgment but that of the judge and caseworkers who are familiar with the actual child. Hello? I thought the right wing was all about less intrusive government.

Like there wasn't enough reason to get the fuck out of Arkansas before?

Arkansas already has three times as many children who need homes as people willing to adopt or foster them. Taking away potential loving homes, so kids could instead grow up in a group home? So not in the best interest of the child. And it's happening now, in Arkansas to hundreds of already placed foster children. It breaks my heart.
Reminds SG of her all-time fave bumper sticker
which made more sense before SG edited the previous paragraph.

5) You could be a foster family. Trust me, if we can do it, anyone can. We already have 5 people in an 1800 square foot house; adding another means pulling out the trundle bed, blowing up an air mattress, or sticking a pack and play so it blocks my closet. It is loud as fuck in my house sometimes. More laundry than you could imagine. Totally worth it.

1) Denizen is a fancy word for citizen but doesn't it sound kind of obnoxious? Cause it's totally supposed to.
2) Hint: The vast majority of them are actually heterosexual men.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Wordless Wednesday: Where the hell you been all week SG?

Public service reminder: 3 week old babies need to eat every 3 hours
and the free help ends at 8 PM.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

ShallowGal receives an invitation

Or possibly a death threat, at this point we can't tell. (1)

But given the care SHAHRA (2) put into the invitation,
I can't wait to see
the refreshments.

1) This fingertips would indicate death threat, but I'm pretty sure they're mine. And the crossing out of the tell-tale number, yep, me too. Way to tamper with the evidence SG!
2) Or maybe Shahla? I don't know anyone named that either. Also, doesn't her signature look like she's shouting at me?

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Mostly Wordless Wednesday: ShallowGal's new shoes

Last night ShallowGal found herself at Bloomingdales. Which was a tremendous coincidence because ShallowGal needed some new boots, and Bloomingdales just so happened to have a shoe department.

Coincidence or fate?
ShallowGal would never tempt fate. Better buy the boots.

But something nagged at ShallowGal. A feeling these boots reminded her of something. And in a dream it came to her:

Not the fashion statement ShallowGal was hoping to make.

Monday, November 10, 2008

An ode to the raisin in front of my speedometer

To the tune of the runaway hit classic "I have (1) a little dreidel" (2)

I have a little raisin,
I found it on my dash.
It's brown and oh so dusty,
I should put it in the trash.

Oh raisin raisin raisin
From where forth has thou come?
Oh raisin raisin raisin
This song is really dumb.

I noticed you last Thursday
Just sitting there so stealth;
It really shouldn't surprise me
I fear my mental health

Oh raisin raisin raisin
I had real crap to say (3)
You've really gone and done it
I must throw you away.(4)

A picture is worth a thousand dreidel songs.
Too bad I already inflicted this one on you.

1) Quick lesson about Judaism. There are 3 branches;Reform, Conservative and Orthodox. The basic difference is that Reform Jews sing "I had a little dreidel" while Conservative Jews sing "I have a little dreidel." Also how many days a week we have to schlep our kids to Hebrew School. Possibly something about Torah interpretation. But mostly the Dreidel song thing.
2) My spell check program claims I don't want to say dreidel but Dresden. Is it possible for a computer to be antisemitic?
3) You know, about the election, and my Disney trip. But clearly songs about raisins are time senstitive.
4) There was another verse that rhymed absurd with mouse turd. I spared you this time.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Things that make ShallowGal go hmmmm

This morning ShallowGal swung by her local library to pick up a book they had on hold. (1) The parking lot was full, as was the auxiliary parking lot. ShallowGal had to park in the super-auxiliary lot. (2)

The big draw? A used book sale. Now ShallowGal loves a good library book sale as much as the next guy but isn't it weird how many people push and shove their way into a tiny room to buy a book that they could borrow for free twenty feet away? (3)

1) Twilight. Yes, really. I know it's a book about teenage vampires. For teenagers. On second thought maybe we better keep this one between us.
2) It was important; SG's been on the waiting list for four months. Oh bite me. (Hey! A vampire fiction pun! Excellent.)
2) SG spent $21. You had to see that one coming.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Mostly Wordless Wednesday: Where we eat our weight in ice cream

Sunday would have been our friend Hannah's 14th birthday.
We celebrated her memory with the biggest ice cream sundae we could find.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Guest blogger: David from Someone in a Tree

OK. Technically, yes, ShallowGal is back from her vacation and capable of writing her own blog. But David from Someone in a Tree wrote this for her, and it's better than anything that SG could write. Plus SG has like 14 brazillion loads of laundry. And still hasn't turned her brain back on. (1)

In her head ShallowGal wrote this awesome intro about how she met David at VUBOQ's pumpkin carving party and right off the bat, tried to pick a fight. Over the proper use of a stencil.(2) Cause SG really really really liked David.(3) And he deserves way more than this:

Hey guys! Say hi to David!

Greetings, all.

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m David, from Someone in a Tree, the blog that absolutely no one has been buzzing about recently.

I’m here today in the capacity of guest blogger while Shallow Gal and her brood, er, lovely family are off on a fabulous vacation that I was not invited on. I was fortunate to meet SG at a party last weekend and over the course of the evening we bonded. If by “bonded” you mean “argued over pumpkin carving stencils and nearly came to blows.”

But all that is behind us now and here I am, ready to entertain you for the three or so minutes it will take you to read and summarily dismiss this post.

So. Kids. I don’t have any.

But SG does. She’s got three! That must be quiet the handful. Not that I don’t have extensive experience with children. I mean, I was a rather in-demand babysitter back in the day. That day being Friday, March 14, 1980. No, actually there were many more days. I just blocked them out. But I’m not lying about being in-demand. I sat for this one family that had two boys. They loved me. It would have been nice if the situation were mutual. I mean, those boys were obnoxious. Spoiled, needy, a little arrogant, and one was only three years old. And still working on the potty training. After about a year of solid work from them (mainly because I think no other sitter had the patience to deal with those little nimrods) I had had enough and lied to the mother, telling her that I’d gotten a part-time job at a local Dunkin’ Donuts and so was leaving the sitting business. She was devastated and kept asking which location until I had to lie again giving a location at which, of course, I was not working. She later left a phone message that she’d taken the kids to visit me there but I wasn’t working, could I tell her when my shift was? I considered the witness protection program.

I also did three years as a camp counselor for a day camp. I had the kindergarten age group. Roughly two dozen little beings whose lives were in my hands six hours a day, five days a week. Overall I loved the kids. They were at that age where they could communicate clearly with you but still respected your authority. And had nap time. And they were easy to pick up so if one of them had a meltdown or refused to leave arts and crafts to get ready for swimming, you could just toss ‘em over your shoulder and carry their shrieking little bodies back to the campsite. In all fairness I used that skill more to give piggy back rides. It’s a good thing I was a teen then with a resilient spine. But it really was a pleasure to spend my days with them. And even more of a pleasure in the late afternoon to send them home in the clothes I’d helped them muddy and smell up all day long.

Of course there was always one bad apple in the bunch. One kid who from day one was committed to defying you at every possible turn, encouraging other kids to pick on each other and disrupting every activity with inappropriate behaviors. They were the ones who pushed other kids into the pool, poached crayons from their peers, made fart noises during sing-a-long time, and had turf wars over the Lego blocks. And their parents were always the worst tippers at the end of summer. The apple sure doesn’t fall far.

I have two nephews now that I see fairly frequently. I’m proud to say that I’m rarely tempted to push either of them down a flight of stairs. Yup, they’re good kids. The eldest is 15 and the youngest is 12. No felonies yet, so we are keeping our fingers crossed.

So. Kids. It’s why we’re here, isn’t it?

Well, it’s why I’m here, since SG has to schlep hers somewhere fun several times a year to avoid a mutiny.

Thanks for reading. Come back soon!

1) Although DisneyWorld? Provides much to blog about.
Tell me you aren't confused too.

3) Which is why he deserved a good intro, not why she picked a fight.

Monday, November 3, 2008

An Open Letter to the Person Who Stole Shallow Gal’s Obama yard sign and sent Julie the racist anti-Obama e-mail.

Today's guest post is courtesy of the fabulous Julie from Blah Blah Blog. Julie just completed a half marathon which causes SG to seethe the green ooze of jealousy thru every pore of her body. Because that? Is fucking awesome.

(Unfortunately when SG gave her guest bloggers directions she was not specific enough. Because she instructed them to steer clear of right wing politics and excessive discussions of sex but neglected to forbid pro Red Sox banter. Rookie host blogger mistake.)

An Open Letter to the Person Who Stole Shallow Gal’s Obama yard sign and sent Julie the racist anti-Obama e-mail. (1)

Dear Person,

You suck.

Julie and Shallow Gal

P.S. Julie is sorry. She handled that poorly. What she meant to say was: Really? That was the best you could do? Steal and sign and forward a racist joke? You see, Person, if that is the best you can do, there is no room for discussion. All we can do is tell you that you suck. And we don’t like to do that. We’re nice people. (2)

Here’s the thing, Person: if you don’t want to vote for Obama, don’t. We don’t care. (3) We’d be happy to respectfully disagree. Then we could break bread together and part as friends. (4)

But no. You ruined that for us all, didn’t you? See - you suck.

Julie will not show the world the racist e-mail you sent her. She not only deleted it, she even Shift+Deleted it. She had to banish it forever and ever, so deep was her loathing of you and your evil ways, Person. But Julie will say this to you: Watermelons? That was the best you could come up with?? You’re not even a smart racist. (5) Nobody even gets that reference anymore, because guess what, Person? That particular joke, thankfully, died in 1960. Watermelon is food for all people, you jackass. (6)

Julie shouldn’t speak for Shallow Gal. (7) (7.5) But she knows they both hate that you have made them part of the problem. They don’t like responding to your hostile cowardice with an anonymous call-out on a blog. They are better than that. Well, Julie thinks they are better than that. She doesn’t know for sure, since she’s never actually met Shallow Gal. But Julie has imaginary conversations with SG, whence they discuss parenting, religion, world peace, and labelmakers. (And SG takes her shoe shopping, ‘cuz Julie is totally lame at shoe shopping.) And in those imaginary conversations, SG always encourages Julie to take the high road, heighten the level of discourse, and be a force of good in the world. (8)

So again, Julie would like to apologize for saying you suck. In reality, Julie is all about peace, love, and understanding. Even towards people like you, who suck.

P.P.S It’s possible Julie enjoyed writing footnotes way too much. And the third person omniscient voice is also really fun. Hello, Blog Reformat!

(1) Julie is presuming you are one and the same. She can’t handle the thought that there might be more than one of you.
(2) Well, Shallow Gal is nice. Julie can go either way.
(3) Not entirely true. But Julie is trying to make a point for peace. Don’t piss her off.
(4) Julie lives in the O.C. You don’t think she knows how to be friends with Republicans?
(5) Yeah. As if.
(6) Stupidity, on the other hand, belongs to a special few.
(7) Though technically, she could, as she has commandeered SG’s blog, and can say whatever the hell she wants.
(7.5) Go Red Sox!
(8) Julie, on the other hand, encourages SG to join her in another glass of wine and calling that Person a Big Dumb Butthead.