How to pack for Disney World. ShallowGal style

Six months out:

Plan Disney trip. Immediately begin stressing about packing.

Here's the issue: Once ShallowGal has done something well, she expects the same results every time. For example, in 1996 she spent $50 a week on groceries. You cannot imagine how much it chaffs my ass to spend four times that now. And don't go justifying it because she now has 3 growing children. Or inflation. SG ain't buying it. (1)

So re: packing. Once ShallowGal went to New York for the weekend with a roll-on suitcase and a magazine. The bar has been set high.

Three months out:

Like I can remember what I did 3 months ago. Dude, if they weren't being so loud, I'd have forgotten to send my kids to school today.

One month out:

Download packing list off internet. Customize by deleting items like electric skillet , cribbage board, and tuna pouches.(2)

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One week out:

Start laying out clothes. You know how some people throw some clothes in a suitcase and hope for the best? SG has a name for them: lunatics.

Half of SG's readers are impressed and half are running for the hills.
When what they should be doing is buying ziploc stock.

Each bag contain one complete outfit; tee shirt, shorts, undies and socks. This prevents kids from suffering a PCSguy-related dressing mishap, like having nothing but a red shirt and green socks.

Bags are then dated to ensure that children match each other (3) and/or wear tee shirts that depict a character they will meet that day. Laugh now, but when I get the perfect picture of Jake with Prince Caspian wearing a Prince Caspian tee shirt, well, now that I put it that way, it does seem kind of lame.

Although SG may need to get herself a Prince Caspian tee shirt.
Or a tattoo.

1) The lame excuses. SG is buying the groceries for her growing children so back off, CPS.
2) But add crock pot and self promoting toaster. Because at this point, I've been so busy packing I haven't had time to see if Orlando has restaurants. And really nothing is more pleasant after a day in the theme parks than hunkering down in your 200 square foot hotel room with a big ol' packet of tuna.
3) But fun matching outfits, not cloying matchy-matchy crap. Here's the diff:

Left: Cloying & Dugger-like Right: Fun, except for the cow

How to do your taxes, ShallowGal style

Do you want to hear just the saddest thing ever? Even sadder than the time that the walrus lost his bucket?

ShallowGal spent three years of her life studying tax law. I know, right? Just when you thought that you couldn't possibly think less of her.

Now wouldn't you think that someone as freaky compulsive and monstrously bored as ShallowGal would totally get off on doing her taxes? Hello! Are you a communist? Nobody likes doing their taxes.

But they must be done, and believe it or not ShallowGal has a system. Use at your own risk.

Step 1: On January first of the prior year (1) set up a folder marked "Taxes xxxx" To determine xxxx you need to follow a complicated formula: first you have to figure out what year it is. But the taxes are for the prior year so you need to subtract 1. But we're planning ahead a year so we need to add 1. That number = xxxx.

Place that folder front and center on your desk. Over the course of the year, put every piece of paper that crosses your hot little hands that might possibly have tax implications in that folder. Examples: your W2 and the receipt for girl scout cookies.

Step 2: Wait one year. Start a new folder following the above formula. Look at you multi-task!

Step 3: Spend the next six weeks complaining endlessly about having to do the taxes. Become offended every time PCSguy suggests using an accountant because you are so massively overqualified. Tell him (again) about the time you got the highest grade in your partnership tax class because of your tremendous understanding of passive activity loss limitations. (2) Remind him that in our twelve years of filing jointly, we've only been audited twice and technically neither time was my fault.

Fact: PCSguy has told me that he cannot stand to be around me from the minute I start the taxes until about a week after they've been mailed off. Like he's so perfect.

Step 4: Remember that last year you got the online version of turbo tax but the year before that you got the disc at Costco and they weren't compatible and you had to fill in your name and social security number by hand. Or was it the other way around? It is imperative ShallowGal does what she did last year or she will have to type in all those numbers again, and I think we've established she's way too busy for that.(3) Nothing jogs ShallowGal's memory like shoe shopping. Spend hours trying to remember while looking at sparkly flats at zappos.com.

Also remember that turbo tax had some kind of major glitch last year that totally miscalculated the profit on some incentive stock options that resulted in the IRS sending us a bill for $32,000. Weigh this against having to retype in all those numbers.

Step 5: Buy turbo tax.

Step 6: Get the first folder. Sit down and DO the taxes. Once you actually plant your ass in the chair they should only take a few hours- asssuming (4) you've kept all those papers I warned you about. Don't be concerned if there are some papers in the folder you don't use; it's like that time when you built the crib and there were all these weird pieces of hardware leftover. The baby's fine, right? E-file that sucker and move on.

Step 7: Pour yourself a nice glass of wine. Promise self next year you won't make such a production about it.


1) Granted, this part may be tricky
2) Unfortunately we don't have any of those.
3) These run-on-sentences aren't going to type themselves you know!
4) See how I put the extra s in assuming? Cause you know what they saying about when you assume something?