Sunday, March 16, 2008

How to do your taxes, ShallowGal style

Do you want to hear just the saddest thing ever? Even sadder than the time that the walrus lost his bucket?

ShallowGal spent three years of her life studying tax law. I know, right? Just when you thought that you couldn't possibly think less of her.

Now wouldn't you think that someone as freaky compulsive and monstrously bored as ShallowGal would totally get off on doing her taxes? Hello! Are you a communist? Nobody likes doing their taxes.

But they must be done, and believe it or not ShallowGal has a system. Use at your own risk.

Step 1: On January first of the prior year (1) set up a folder marked "Taxes xxxx" To determine xxxx you need to follow a complicated formula: first you have to figure out what year it is. But the taxes are for the prior year so you need to subtract 1. But we're planning ahead a year so we need to add 1. That number = xxxx.

Place that folder front and center on your desk. Over the course of the year, put every piece of paper that crosses your hot little hands that might possibly have tax implications in that folder. Examples: your W2 and the receipt for girl scout cookies.

Step 2: Wait one year. Start a new folder following the above formula. Look at you multi-task!

Step 3: Spend the next six weeks complaining endlessly about having to do the taxes. Become offended every time PCSguy suggests using an accountant because you are so massively overqualified. Tell him (again) about the time you got the highest grade in your partnership tax class because of your tremendous understanding of passive activity loss limitations. (2) Remind him that in our twelve years of filing jointly, we've only been audited twice and technically neither time was my fault.

Fact: PCSguy has told me that he cannot stand to be around me from the minute I start the taxes until about a week after they've been mailed off. Like he's so perfect.

Step 4: Remember that last year you got the online version of turbo tax but the year before that you got the disc at Costco and they weren't compatible and you had to fill in your name and social security number by hand. Or was it the other way around? It is imperative ShallowGal does what she did last year or she will have to type in all those numbers again, and I think we've established she's way too busy for that.(3) Nothing jogs ShallowGal's memory like shoe shopping. Spend hours trying to remember while looking at sparkly flats at

Also remember that turbo tax had some kind of major glitch last year that totally miscalculated the profit on some incentive stock options that resulted in the IRS sending us a bill for $32,000. Weigh this against having to retype in all those numbers.

Step 5: Buy turbo tax.

Step 6: Get the first folder. Sit down and DO the taxes. Once you actually plant your ass in the chair they should only take a few hours- asssuming (4) you've kept all those papers I warned you about. Don't be concerned if there are some papers in the folder you don't use; it's like that time when you built the crib and there were all these weird pieces of hardware leftover. The baby's fine, right? E-file that sucker and move on.

Step 7: Pour yourself a nice glass of wine. Promise self next year you won't make such a production about it.

1) Granted, this part may be tricky
2) Unfortunately we don't have any of those.
3) These run-on-sentences aren't going to type themselves you know!
4) See how I put the extra s in assuming? Cause you know what they saying about when you assume something?

1 comment:

The Jet Set Girls said...

I'm glad to see you're adding labels again. SG-style should get tons of hits. Keep up the humor!