How to do your taxes, ShallowGal style

Do you want to hear just the saddest thing ever? Even sadder than the time that the walrus lost his bucket?

ShallowGal spent three years of her life studying tax law. I know, right? Just when you thought that you couldn't possibly think less of her.

Now wouldn't you think that someone as freaky compulsive and monstrously bored as ShallowGal would totally get off on doing her taxes? Hello! Are you a communist? Nobody likes doing their taxes.

But they must be done, and believe it or not ShallowGal has a system. Use at your own risk.

Step 1: On January first of the prior year (1) set up a folder marked "Taxes xxxx" To determine xxxx you need to follow a complicated formula: first you have to figure out what year it is. But the taxes are for the prior year so you need to subtract 1. But we're planning ahead a year so we need to add 1. That number = xxxx.

Place that folder front and center on your desk. Over the course of the year, put every piece of paper that crosses your hot little hands that might possibly have tax implications in that folder. Examples: your W2 and the receipt for girl scout cookies.

Step 2: Wait one year. Start a new folder following the above formula. Look at you multi-task!

Step 3: Spend the next six weeks complaining endlessly about having to do the taxes. Become offended every time PCSguy suggests using an accountant because you are so massively overqualified. Tell him (again) about the time you got the highest grade in your partnership tax class because of your tremendous understanding of passive activity loss limitations. (2) Remind him that in our twelve years of filing jointly, we've only been audited twice and technically neither time was my fault.

Fact: PCSguy has told me that he cannot stand to be around me from the minute I start the taxes until about a week after they've been mailed off. Like he's so perfect.

Step 4: Remember that last year you got the online version of turbo tax but the year before that you got the disc at Costco and they weren't compatible and you had to fill in your name and social security number by hand. Or was it the other way around? It is imperative ShallowGal does what she did last year or she will have to type in all those numbers again, and I think we've established she's way too busy for that.(3) Nothing jogs ShallowGal's memory like shoe shopping. Spend hours trying to remember while looking at sparkly flats at zappos.com.

Also remember that turbo tax had some kind of major glitch last year that totally miscalculated the profit on some incentive stock options that resulted in the IRS sending us a bill for $32,000. Weigh this against having to retype in all those numbers.

Step 5: Buy turbo tax.

Step 6: Get the first folder. Sit down and DO the taxes. Once you actually plant your ass in the chair they should only take a few hours- asssuming (4) you've kept all those papers I warned you about. Don't be concerned if there are some papers in the folder you don't use; it's like that time when you built the crib and there were all these weird pieces of hardware leftover. The baby's fine, right? E-file that sucker and move on.

Step 7: Pour yourself a nice glass of wine. Promise self next year you won't make such a production about it.


1) Granted, this part may be tricky
2) Unfortunately we don't have any of those.
3) These run-on-sentences aren't going to type themselves you know!
4) See how I put the extra s in assuming? Cause you know what they saying about when you assume something?

How to make a Monte cristo, ShallowGal style

Adapted from The Best of America's Test Kitchen 2008. (1)

Step 1: Assemble your ingredients. For 6 sandwiches you will need:

4 large eggs, 1/4 cup heavy cream, 2 tsp of sugar, 1/2 tsp of salt, 1/2 tsp of dry mustard (2) 1/8 tsp of cayenne pepper, 12 slices of white bread, 12 slices of Swiss or Gruyere cheese, 12 slices of ham, 12 slices of turkey, 3 tablespoons of canola oil and confectioners' sugar.

So far, it will look like this:

I could have gotten further away to take this picture

Step 1: Move oven rack to the upper-middle position and preheat to 450 degrees. Fair warning: If your oven is anywhere near as dirty as mine, this high heat will set off your smoke detector. Soon it will get to the point where you will say "Hey, I'm making monte cristos" and your PCSguy will say "Better call the alarm company!" Hardy har har. Pour the oil into a rimmed baking sheet and place in oven until preheated.

Step 2: Toast the bread lightly. For this I use the pop tart setting on my toaster. It's a weird setting to have because I actually like my pop tarts raw. You don't want the bread to get too dark as it will become too crumbly, as I will demonstrate later.

Free toaster with 10 cereal box tops?

Step 3: Whisk together eggs, cream, sugar, salt, dry mustard and cayenne in a shallow dish. In a pinch I've used milk instead of the cream.

Step 4: Make the sandwich in this order: bread, cheese, ham, turkey, ham, turkey, cheese, bread. The original recipe called for another layer of cheese right smack in the middle but I find that too cheesy. Hey, they're your arteries, you make the call. Use your hands to smoosh the sandwich together.

Now this is the step where yesterday ShallowGal discovered that PCSguy had opened the cheese and eaten 2 slices. Leaving her exactly 2 pieces short. PCSguy generously offered to forgo his sandwich but it was really a bullshit offer because his mother was there and she would get all up in ShallowGal's face about why doesn't her precious baby have a sandwich.

So ShallowGal will make PCSguy a monte cristo. But she won't be happy about it.

A quick foray into the fridge reveals a frightening amount of yogurt but no other cheese.

ShallowGal can cure a small army of their yeast infections

Once ShallowGal made monte cristos by spreading light Laughing Cow french onion cheese on the toast and it was actually pretty good, but alas, someone has also finished off the laughing cow.

I still think the oatmeal can take the yogurt

ShallowGal is nothing if not resourceful and will make the last sandwich using a cut-up cheese stick.

Step 5) Dip each smooshed sandwich into the egg mixture, like you're making french toast and then transfer to the preheated baking sheet. Return to oven and bake for 5 minutes, flip each sandwich and bake another 5 minutes.

Now do you remember when I warned you not to over-toast the bread or it would crumble when you smooshed it? Let me show you, using a sandwich chosen at random, what I mean:

PCSguy's sandwich? What a weird coincidence!

Step 6) Sprinkle with confectioner sugar and serve immediately with a side of raspberry jam.

Bon appetite!

1) Currently tied for second place on ShallowGal's cookbook shelf after the plain old America's Test Kitchen cookbook.
2) I also use this dry mustard in a fantastic salad dressing recipe, it's worth adding to your spice rack.

How to plan a trip to Alsaka, ShallowGal Style

Step 1) On a whim (1) decide to go to Alaska with PCSguy and all three kids. Decide to go for broke and invite 80-year-old mother-in-law. Start hoarding xanax.

Step 2) Point out to PCSguy that children who wake up at 5 am are unlikely to sleep later in the land of the 24-hour-sun, in a porta-crib, with a 4 hour time difference. Refuse to go any further until PCSguy signs a contract agreeing that all earlier risers are his problem. Obtain said contract, file in a safe place.

Step 3) Start checking weather in Alaska. Today's high is 9. Decide to go in the summer.

Step 4) Book two mini-suites on the Coral Princess. Buy airfare, book land portion and most importantly, buy travel insurance.

Step 5) Develop a bear strategy. Fact: I am terrified of bears. I think this is a very rational fear (2) and I'm sticking to it.

Now the state of New Hampshire says this (emphasis mine):

What should I do if I encounter a bear?

If you see a bear, keep your distance. Make it aware of your presence by clapping, talking, singing or making other sounds. If you get too close to a bear, it may slap the ground, huff, blow and chomp its teeth or rush you (this is referred to as "bluff charge") in an attempt to get you to move a more comfortable distance away. If this occurs, maintain eye contact with the bear, speak in a soft, calm voice and slowly back away from the bear. These actions will help appease the bear and show that you are not weak, but, at the same time, not a threat to the bear. Do not run, avert your eyes or turn your back to the bear. The bear may perceive weakness and enforce dominance.

What on earth is this guy trying to prove?

However WikiHow says this:

Stand tall, even if the bear charges you. If the bear sees you and is closer than 300 feet, or if the bear is approaching you, remain calm and try to look as large as possible. Try to back away slowly—do not run—and speak softly. If the bear continues to approach as you back away, stop and stand your ground. Speak more loudly in a deep, calm voice, and wave you arms to make yourself look bigger. Keep an eye on the bear, but avoid direct eye contact. Do not be aggressive, but do not crouch down, play dead or otherwise show fear or vulnerability. If the bear charges you, muster all your courage and stay where you are: the charge is most likely a bluff, and if you stand your ground the bear will turn away.

So the only thing they agree on is that one should remain calm. I know, right?

Now if it's a black bear, all bets are off. Play dead, don't play dead, fight, run, climb, don't climb; apparently not enough people have survived a bear attack to know. One book suggested determining the bear's motivation before proceeding. You know, "Hi bear, are you hungry? Lonely? Feeling left out? Frustrated?"

After many hours of research and debate PCSguy and I have come up with the following bear strategy: He will first determine what kind of bear it is, determine it's motivation and then distract the bear as appropriate. I will get the kids to safety. The man will take a bear for me, is that love or what? Still, I should probably get that one in writing too.



1) Seriously, I spent longer at Home Depot choosing a handle for my patio door than I spend deciding to go on vacation.
2) Unlike my fear of Lucy and Ricky impersonators which I fully admit is irrational.