Monday, September 29, 2008

In honor of the Jewish New Year AND the election, ShallowGal phones it in.

Ketiva ve-chatima tovah. May you be written and sealed for a good year.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

ShallowGal and the (somewhat) selfless act

This morning ShallowGal was at the bank. Apparently there's something wrong with the economy, maybe, (or was it astronomy?) and ShallowGal thought maybe she could be of some assistance.

The bank manager told ShallowGal about a new promotion; open a new checking account and get a $50 Visa gift card. Now ShallowGal already has two checking accounts; the joint account with PCSguy for bills and her secret account. The secret account is in case SG needs to bail in the middle of the night. (1) Or PCSguy needs bail in the middle of the night. But that would probably come out of the joint checkbook anyway.

With an extra $50, ShallowGal would treat her family to Chinese food tomorrow night after swim practice. At the good place too, not the crappy buffet.

But then the bank manager started to mess with ShallowGal's head. She said that instead of $50, they would instead donate $100 to ShallowGal's favorite 501(c)(3) charity. King Solomon himself never faced such a choice!

Clearly this is a test of ShallowGal's character. And there is little that ShallowGal excels at more than fake secret tests of character. Except maybe quizzes about reality television shows on Bravo. (2)

ShallowGal's favorite charity is UNICEF. Instead of feeding her family fried dumplings, UNICEF would take the money and give FIVE HUNDRED children measles vaccines. Oh they are good at fake secret character tests, these people.

But then ShallowGal thought of something she likes more than Chinese food, and possibly even more than measles shots (3) And that is comments.

So here's the deal. Leave a comment telling SG if you would take the $50 or donate $100 to charity, and if so, which charity. On September 30th, one comment will be "randomly" (4) chosen, and the money will be donated to that charity, in that commenter's name.

1) However SG will not get far as the secret account has about $400.
2) Hot Tranny Mess for $200, Alex!
3) That's going to count against me on the fake secret character test, isn't it?
4) Randomly is is quotation marks because we all know that these things are fixed. But it's going to a charity, for sure.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

ShallowGal, as seen by a 3 1/2 year old

Kid, I could not agree with you more

Monday, September 22, 2008

In which ShallowGal works through her writer's block with various forms of plagiary (1)

ShallowGal rarely talks about her favorite blogs; mostly because there's an excellent chance you'll go there and won't come back, but also, just in case she needs to resort to plagiarism.

Quick tangent: According to Wikipedia, self-plagiarism is a serious problem. (2) Which reminds SG of this conversation she had with her always stoned neighbor while digging out her car back during the blizzard of 1996:

StonerNeighbor: Hey you're a lawyer, right?
ShallowGal: Maybe. (3)
SN: I have a question. If we build an igloo and get stoned inside and then the igloo collapses, are we liable?
SG: Liable to who?
SN: Good point. Want to come in our igloo and get stoned?

SG: Maybe. (3.5)

So now on top of everything, SG needs to worry that she's going to be liable for copying her own essay on her pot holder drawer.

To be fair, when ShallowGal first shared her pot holder drawer, this blog averaged 11 hits a day, 9 of which were PCSguy. So this is new stuff to most of SG's three dozen or so readers. It's like if Tolstoy wrote a novel when he was eleven called "civil disobedience and friendship." (4) Where's the harm?

Now that we've dismissed the self plagiarism charges, let's get to the point. Over the years, ShallowGal has followed many great women. She still worships Bossy. And will continue to get small tattoos between her toes honoring Jenny the Bloggess. (5) But SG's newest obsession is June Cleaver Nirvana.

Every Monday, Holly hosts a potluck where (among other topics) she talks about her coccyx and describes the contents of her fruit bowl. ShallowGal's coccyx is clearly off limits.

But like four days ago, when ShallowGal started what she thought would be a quick filler Thursday post, she decided to rip off Holly's brilliant idea without actually being a loser copy cat because . . .

ShallowGal actually has three fruit bowls.

The first one has 2 onions and some garlic. The second one has a bunch of random winter squash that will either be a Halloween decorations or compost. Because winter squash is yummy but a massive hassle.

The third fruit bowl contains this:

Hence the reference to ShallowGal's pot holder drawer.

In no particular order: Ketchup flavored potato chips, a Diego leapster game, the instructions to the badminton (6) set, an open single serving package of chex mix, the top to the lemonade pitcher, some chocolate teddy grahams, 3 pairs of toddler sized souvenir Alaska socks, a paper towel sample which SG was saving for a special occassion and garlic which thought it was too good to be in the first fruit bowl.

But remove the top layer of crap, and possibly, just possibly we'll find fruit.

An optimist. How cute.

"But ShallowGal," you wonder aloud. "You pay $24 a week for a delivery of local organic produce. Where do you keep that?"

Silly reader. I store that in the delivery tub next to my desk.

1) ShallowGal would like to go on record as saying that plagiary is the single hardest word she's ever tried to spell. It took 2 adults with advanced degrees two different dictionaries to figure it out. PCSguy still isn't convinced it's really a word.
2) And we all know if it's on Wikipedia, it must be true.
3) The answers to the following questions are ALWAYS maybe: Are you a lawyer? I
s that your child?
3.5) Do you want to get stoned in my igloo? The third in the trilogy of mandatory maybe answers.
4) SG did not really just compare herself to Tolstoy.
5) How full of yourself do you have to be to link back to your posts about other bloggers instead of to that blog itself?

6) This post just officially became SG's worst spelling nightmare. Badminton. Please. Not only has SG been spelling it wrong for almost 40 years, she's been saying it wrong.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Less Words Wednesday

Because Stimey worried that she had the weirdest three year old (1+2)

1)Not pictured: camouflage rain boots. Never mind that it wasn't raining. Or the jungle. And there's little to no chance he's blending in with his surroundings anyway.
2) School. He was dressed up for school. You can't even imagine the outfits that get worn for hanging around the house.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

When ShallowGal throws a party

ShallowGal THROWS . . .

Count em, FOUR different moonbounces

A . .
popcorn, cotton candy and sno cones.


Yes Virginia, there is a beer truck.

We're not talking those lame events she puts on for her own flesh and blood to celebrate their birthdays; we're talking about a party for 500 total strangers to celebrate some random building getting new hardwood floors.

Let's compare. For Eli's third birthday we borrowed the private dining room of Alzheimer Grandma's nursing home and ate pizza while coloring Diego pictures downloaded from Even more depressing than his second birthday. Luckily there's no photographic evidence. (1)

For the random building, ShallowGal spent an entire summer planning the carnival shown above.

In my own defense, what does a three year old need with a beer truck?

But just in case, could someone photoshop a cake with three candles into a picture for me? Maybe the one with the four moonbounces?

On a completely unrelated note, I have finished planning Jake's Bar Mitzvah. It will be held in the parking lot, with a beer truck, moonbounces and sno cones. Considering the alternative, I suspect he'll jump at it. (2)

1) Which makes me sound like a better mother, if I forgot the camera or if I thought the entire affair was too depressing to record for posterity? Cause that's why there are no pictures.

2) Get it, Jump at it? Moonbounces? Yeah, I doubt Jake will feel very punny about it either.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

When ShallowGal cannot just live and let live

ShallowGal considers herself open minded. Hell, one of her best friends is a Republican. Another is a size 2 and maintains an immaculate house. ShallowGal loves them just the same.

Then the man in front of her in line at Starbucks ordered a tall vanilla latte + protein, with soy milk, in a grande cup, extra hot.

I'm sorry, I'm too upset to finish. Some people just go too far.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

When in doubt, wordle

ShallowGal originally intended to share all the intimate details of her lunch date today with VUBOQ. Because between VUBOQ and SG, some very deep thoughts were thunk. Ancient mysteries were solved. Wonders of the world debunked. Sparkly beverages consumed.

Plus SG has some great pictures taken by her three year old.

He's short, sue me.

My, ShallowGal, what big hands you have.

Enough pictures, let's create beautiful word clouds from my blog. You know, wordle.

Please note the conspicuous product placement by Kraft. Other oddities: the name of only one of her three spawn but the inclusion of the names Harry, Jonas and Hannah. SG doesn't even know a Harry, a Hannah or a Jonas.

This makes ShallowGal wonder: Can you judge a blog by it's wordle? (1)

(Guys, I'd love to help you figure this out but the kids want dinner and there's all this laundry. But science needs me. One can't just throw a hypothesis out there and leave it to die. Fine, real quick, let's put our heads together and think of some bloggers.)

Remember back in July ShallowGal crashed some party? And then it turned out that the host was Guy Kawasaki, and PCSguy was all "did you tell him about me?" Guy has a blog and it's written in geek.

His wordle to the contrary, Guy throws one heck of a party.

At BlogHer, ShallowGal heard about some chick named Dooce who had a blog too.

Apparently this Dooce is some kind of shepardess. (2)

1) Note to ShallowGal, from ShallowGal: Knock off the late night Sex in the City re-runs.
2) SG should really ask Jenny the Bloggess if it's too soon for Dooce jokes.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

To my daughter on her eight birthday, give or take a day or two

Dear Noa:

Happy Birthday baby doll. Eight years old. How on Earth did that happen?

You already know all the stories because there is nothing else you'd rather talk about than yourself. (1) You know how you were born less than an hour after we arrived at the hospital. How you were the easiest baby but the most impossible toddler. How you didn't say a word until you were two. How you ate literally nothing but chicken for years.

Here's something I bet you didn't know. You were a surprise. Actually surprise isn't even a strong enough word, let me check a thesaurus. A shock. A bombshell. When you're thirteen (2) and we discuss all the facts of life, Mommy can fill you in on three different kinds of birth control she knows for a fact do not work. (3)

But as much as Mommy hates to quote Roseanne Barr, she did say it best. "A surprise was something you didn't even know you wanted until you got it."

I was already a Mommy, but you made me step up my game. Motherhood is way more than feeding and clothing a child. Discovering what made you tick was a full-time job. (4) Answering your questions was the part-time job I had to take after I already worked my full-time job. Like this guy I knew once who was a lawyer all day and a pharmacist on weekends. Exhausting.

But totally worth it.

Happy Birthday Noa. I love you.

1) Your mother's daughter through and through.
2) Is that when we do it? Cause I know Daddy would like you to be thirty.
3) On the bright side when you don't figure out why you're nauseous and have to pee constantly until almost ten weeks along, the next thirty go by pretty quick.

4) Except I'd totally be fired by now cause I do not have a CLUE.

Friday, September 5, 2008

A Very Shallow Recipe Review

ShallowGal was perusing today's mail and came across a cooking magazine called Kraft food and family (1). Since this is a publication that usually features recipes like Quick Bologna Quesadilla, SG rarely pays much attention. But that Stand Up to Cancer special on all three channels tonight? Way depressing.

Anyway this issue featured an article on 'choosy eaters'. This is apparently the new PC term for picky eaters.(2) Now SG is blessed in that her kids will eat pretty much anything that doesn't eat them first. But just for shits and giggles, let's see what Kraft has in mind.

Pizza snacks. That's cool. The posse likes pizza.

Ready? First we gather all the ingredients. 24 Ritz crackers, 1/2 cup ketchup, 1/2 cup shredded mozzarella cheese and a teaspoon of Italian seasoning.

Wait, what?

Yes. The fine folks at Kraft suggest that we put ketchup and cheese on a ritz cracker and then nuke the whole thing for 15 seconds. Because while a choosy eater might object to cold ketchup on a cracker, lukewarm ketchup is an entirely different story. Then we sprinkle some strange green speckled stuff on top. And voila!

Gross and devoid of any nutritional value. Maybe Kraft is on to something.

1) Let SG make one thing clear; Kraft provided no compensation for this recipe review. Kraft has no interest as SG as a blogger. This was made abundantly clear when Kraft addressed this magazine to 'current resident'.
2)The union on six year olds who don't like green vegetables is super organized.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Why ShallowGal and posse really need to get out more

Scene: the dinner table.
Cast: SG's posse and her unofficial fourth child, 13 year old Anna.

Noa: Let's play 20 questions. I'll go first.

SG: Is it Harry Potter?

Noa: No it's Hannah Montana.

Jake: Noa!! She had 19 more questions. I'll go. It's a person.

SG: Is it Harry Potter?

Jake: Yes. Anna's turn.

Anna: It's a person.

Noa: Is it a Jonas Brother?

Anna: Yes.

Noa: Is it Joe Jonas?

Anna: Yes.

SG: Oooh, good one. OK, my turn.

Jake: Is it Harry Potter?

SG: Damn.

Anna: Wait, I have one.

Noa: It can't be a Jonas Brother.

Anna: That severely limits my choices. Fine, it's a girl.

Noa: Is it Hannah Montana?

Anna: This game sucks.