Monday, July 28, 2008

ShallowGal exposes: House Hunters

Every night at 10 pm, ShallowGal and PCSGuy climb into bed and have the same debate as couples all across America.

Why the hell are those people buying that house?

House Hunters. Followed by House Hunters International, but only if I've been really good.

Admit it, you've seen it. Someone wants to buy a house. They have a ridiculous list of demands. A realtor takes them to three almost identical ones where they overlook major architectural flaws to complain about things like the paint color of the bedroom or wonder if their IKEA dining room table will fit.

However, ShallowGal suspects things are a little suspicious lately in house buying land. Yes HGTV I'm looking at you.

Let's investigate. Take the Smith family of Mobile, Alabama.

First clue HGTV is up to something: the part of the realtor is played by a leprechaun

The Smiths have very specific demands: five bedrooms and a backyard pool. They have a budget of $270,000. Let's see what the leprechaun plans to show them. House #1:

The leprechaun clearly showed this house first because it reminded her of home

House #1 has five bedrooms and a backyard pool. Mission complete. . . or is it?

House #2: has four bedrooms and no pool.

curb appeal sold separately

Approximately two out of every three episode feature a child-less couple who worry that the otherwise perfect home they've been shown doesn't have enough yard for their dogs. My friend Sam likes to call that "nothing a 39 cent bullet won't solve."

Back to the Smiths. ShallowGal considered moving to Mobile when they showed the adorable House #3:

ShallowGal will take two. Thank you very much.

This all reminds ShallowGal of a fifth grade reading comprehension problem. The Smith family had a budget of $270,000 and wanted 5 bedrooms and a pool.(1) House #2 has 4 bedrooms and no pool. House #3 costs $290,000.

ShallowGal rocked the fifth grade. Only house #1 meets their criteria.

But host Suzanne Whang has a secret. House #2 has a bonus room that could be a fifth bedroom. And mom was actually "tired of being the pool man." (2) It was a setup. There was no way you could guess the right house you GIANT LOSER. (Emphasis HGTV's. They are so mean)

Every episode ends the same. The happy family shows how they painted their new house taupe and then hosts a party, usually featuring the realtor as the guest of honor. Everyone toasts their new house, and the fortune they made from tricking America.(3)

1) ShallowGal has a budget of $26.44 and wants a house with 4 full baths, a home theater and a nanny suite. HGTV ?
2) SG watched several times to make sure she wasn't tired of
doing the pool guy. That would be an even better show.
3) Much like blogging, the economics of rigging House Hunters eludes me. But somebody's getting rich here, trust me.


vuboq said...

Ha! Leprechauns make great realtors!

btw, no offense taken, but yes to a beer ;-) and, no, you won't get your prize package tomorrow because i'm saving that for our Very Special VUBOQ is Unemployed Lunch Date sometime in August ;-)


Stimey said...

Wow. I'm totally almost willing to move to Alabama with you for those houses.

Not just a mom said...

Hmph, that Suzanne Who-wong is such a tease. But I'm with you -- for that price I'll take two.

sista #2 said...

I think they ditched Suzanne...the newer episodes have someone without bangs.

Yeah, that's right, I am a fan.
I even will sit through the reruns.
I am pathetic.


philly said...

Sista #1 also loves this show

Becca said...

I'm still reeling over the fact that FIVE bedroom houses with POOLS can be purchased for, uh, WHAT?

When I get tired of Washington's rain I'm throwing my real estate license in the trash and buying a house in Alabama. With five bedrooms. And a pool. FOR UNDER $300K! @_@

I can't believe I've never seen this show!!!!

Karl said...

Heh, HGTV is a curse, I tell you! Highly addictive and I haven't the bloodiest idea why.

Great meeting you at BlogHer, btw.

marathon mom said...

Ya, I love how the freelance riverdancer and the linguistics PhD student can afford the $385K house with a view in some trendy California town while planning their upcoming wedding.

And not enough backyard for the right!

Gayle said...

Amy - so nice seeing you tonight! Thanks for coming to the game. I laughed out loud at the taupe comment here - totally. Tho I will say that HH was much improved after they started doing the 6 months later check-in. Sometimes the house looks god-awful, which is always fun.

Amy said...

V- Too fun last night, thanks!

Stimey: do we have to bring the kids when we move? Should we leave a forwarding address?

Sistas: Yes, I noticed that! I guess Suzanne got tired of walking up and down the same sidewalk pretending it was Hawaii and Phoenix.

xoxo, SG

Amy said...

Marathon mom: That's always the second question ~ where does these people get their money?

Gayle: yes, HH is way better these days, they used to not even tell you how much the house costs, how not fun is that?

Karl: I could cancel my cable except for HGTV and Bravo and be perfectly happy.

Becca: you have a real estate license and have never seen House hunters? Oh right, you still have a life. Lucky girl.

xoxo, SG