Monday, February 7, 2011

Passive-aggressive valentines, Shallow-Gal & son style

You know those days where you're on fire? Where you wake up just aching to get going and you take that to-do list and make it your bitch?

I had that day. (1) I hit the bank and the grocery store, paid bills, bought new running shoes, supervised the addressing of 37 Valentines day cards and to cap it all off, I started a blog.

Then I learned that apparently I already have a blog. Who knew?

So anyway, Eli came home today with a list of Valentines. Twenty seven classmates, the teacher, assistant teacher, music / art / gym teachers, lunch lady, bruin buddies, reading buddies and someone cryptically listed as Miss Ruth (volunteer).

We started with the 27 classmates, preparing for each a little bug themed card with a tiny matching tattoo. (2) Eli wrote his name on each one and then carefully copied each name from his list and checked it off. Then he did the same for the adults on his list until, amazingly enough, the giant box o' fancy walmart cards was empty.

So he had three names left but no little bug cards to give them. (3) As much as I hated to do it, I brought out the foam hearts, fancy paper and a glue stick. And quickly went upstairs before he could ask for help.

It's not like he needed my assistance anyway; Eli has his finger on the pulse of what women want to hear on February 14rth. Take the card for his teacher:

Translation: Take It up. The heart. The green one.

It's an interactive card. They're all the rage in Kindergarten. You lift up the sides of the green heart and then you say "Dammit" when the pieces fall off in your hand and you have to find where Eli left the glue stick so you can fix it before he wakes up. Hooray for interactive cards!

He saved his real sweet talk for the assistant teacher:

Translation: I love you as much as Mrs Taylor

I probably should have explained that Mrs Taylor is his teacher. Do assistant teachers have inferiority complexes? I know at least one who will now.

Last on the list, but not least in Eli's heart, the woman I've never heard of before today, the woman he refers to as 'Miss Ruth Volunteer'. Because there's no way the teacher is padding this list so the kids have to practice handwriting, right? Or possibly she owns stock in Hallmark?

Translation: I Do Not Know you.

Happy Valentine's Day, Miss Ruth Volunteer.

1) Aha! Admit it. You thought I was going to say "Me Neither." I am Full o' surprises today!

2) Clever buggy sentiments like "You're not a pest!"
3) Although he did have 2 bug tattoos left. Valentine Card Counter Fail!


Magpie said...

Love the last one!

The Zadge said...

The only Valentines I get are from people who don't know me!
P.S. So glad you are back in the blogosphere!!

Good Witch Studio said...

I love you my funny friend. Actually, Eli should get most of the credit!

Getrealmommy said...

I hate it when people use LOL, but in this case, I actually DID laugh out loud! :)

Stimey said...

Classic. I do not know you. That's awesome. I should have Jack write that on his everyone.

I'm with Getrealmommy, I laughed out loud too.

Marinka said...

I think I'm going to write "I do not know you" on every Valentine's day card this year.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

those are some lucky bitches. bug cards are a dime-a-dozen (or about 3.49, right?).

Nicole Pelton said...

Perfect, I'm jealous. I want one of those cards.

Phoenix Rising said...

BWHAAAA!!! "I do not know you." I'm going to send *this* card out this year. To everyone I do not know.

David said...

My God, how I've missed reading you.

Kristin said...

What David said!

And I love Eli. Even though he doesn't know me either : )