Monday, April 5, 2010
How to prolong your stay in Immigration & Customs, a play in one act
Scene: Dulles Airport, Immigration and Customs. 2am.
Amy (to posse): Listen up. We've been on the move for 19 hours, and I know you're exhausted. All we need to do is go thru these next two checkpoints, get our bags, catch the shuttle to the car and Bob's your Uncle. So you know the rule here; nobody, and I mean, NOBODY says anything to the nice immigration officer or the nice customs person unless asked a direct question. They DO NOT CARE about our vacation. Capiche?
Noa: Can I tell them you got drunk on rum and swam naked in the pool?
Amy: Anything they need to know, I will tell them.
Nice Immigration Man (Studies form, shakes head, writes a large letter A on our form) You were on a Nicaraguan farm? And you admitted to it? You're going to need to go to agricultural customs for additional inspection.
Amy, PCSguy and Posse drag over to Agricultural customs.
Nice Agricultural Customs Officer: Because you were on a farm, I'm going to need to disinfect all your shoes.
NACO: Oh sure. We don't want to infect our agriculture with foreign germs. (She pulls out a bucket and starts spraying shoes) Did you have a nice vacation?
(Kids nod, possibily following instructions, but more likely wondering who Uncle Bob is, and how many delinquent birthday presents he owes them.)
NACO: And your flight? How was that?
(Kids smile and nod and I try to make some excuse about how they're not really rude or stupid, just tired)
NACO: Well thank you for being honest on your customs form.
(Kids nod again)
NACO (to Eli:) Your turn. Can I have your shoes?
Eli: Sure. But watch out for the brown stuff. It's monkey diarrhea.