Friday, May 21, 2010

Le Dog

I feel like I haven't been entirely honest with you.

Probably because I haven't.

You know my dog, Dobie?
The big ferocious one? And his equally menacing dog sitter, Al? (1) All made up. The Shallow home was, until yesterday, blissfully canine-free.

But you can't be too mad because Karma has bit me in the ass with a petulant, cranky, dog.

Huge scary picture courtesy of the
West Sacramento Photo of the Day blog.

only this dog is better cause he brought tequila.

His name is Joe. Joe, as in Joe Giradi, manager of the New York Yankees, not Joe, like Joe the Plumber. Jake was opposed to the name Joe because he thought it made him sound average. This dog aspires to be average. His full legal name is Josephat Macaroni-Head, so that's what I'll call him when he's in trouble. Which is apparently going to be all the fucking time.

He's a rescue dog, and I'll admit that Eli wasn't the only one disappointed when he wasn't dropped off by a hunky firefighter. He's a grade A mutt; best guess is part lab, part water dog, part Satan hound.

Yes, Satan Hound. Example: when we pet sat for friends, we would leave their dogs in the upstairs hallway with all the doors and the baby gate closed when we went out. It gives them more room than a crate plus a view. We've never had any complaints. Until today.

In the 20 minutes it took me to drop Eli off at school, Joe managed to chew thru the baby gate, thru his leash in 72 different places and then destroy Jake's brand new size 7 1/2 (men's) Keens. (2) Twenty minutes. I can't empty the dishwasher that fast. Look like we'll be adding a crate to our already super cluttered 1372 square feet home.(3,4)

On the bright side, I finally have fodder for my book, which I think I'll title Joe and Me, Life and Love with the World's Worst Dog. Jennifer Aniston can play me in the movie adaptation. I'm also going to start a website called Shit my Dog Destroyed, which is going to be an overnight sensation.

Stupid Karma.

1) Although I don't really know what's menacing about downloading porn.
2) Details added in case any of my readers are actually Keen representatives.

3) 4 bedrooms, 3 baths in a good school district in case any of my readers are actually benevolent real estate moguls.
4) So cluttered and too small to have anything good to steal. Oh wait, I really do have a dog now, stalkers! Named Joe, short for Cujo.


Marinka said...

Oh, lord. Did you keep the receipt? Can't you return him?

MommyTime said...

Rescue dogs are notoriously likely to eat your house as they are often under-/ill-trained. On the other hand, love them, and they can turn out to be the most fiercely loyal intruder-eating pets on the planet, since often no one else has loved them before.

In the meantime, you definitely need a crate. (Also, our pedigreed dog had a thing for shoes until she was about two. All shoes lived in closed closets, no compromises, unless we were quite willing for them to become chew toys. For some dogs, shoes are just irresistible.)

The Zadge said...

I've already copyrighted that movie about me and MY worst dog on the planet and Jen has already signed on.

Marinka said...

Hey, maybe Angelina can play you, instead. And Jen can play your dog.

Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels said...

Sure, Jennifer Aninston can play you, but who will be playing Joe in the movie? Because clearly he will be the main character, right? You can't make that much damage and be relegated to a secondary role, it's just not fair.

whymommy said...

It's a whole new world, isn't it?

A crate is a good thing. It doesn't have to be permanent, but it does help new dogs from going crazy with excitement at all the NEW STUFF TO EAT! Yip!

Good luck!