Monday, April 21, 2008

ShallowGal contemplates her own mortality

I know, right? That's *so* not what you were expecting when you came here. But be patient, odds are good this will somehow segue to shoes. It usually does.

Here's how it went down. Friday night ShallowGal was walking down the sidewalk towards her mom's house. It was a pretty evening and SG was in a good mood. The kids were excited and had run ahead and I was half thinking I should catch up and half wondering who the short brunette in the driveway was (1) and half debating something else (2), cause you know, ShallowGal is secretly deep enough to think all those things at the same time.

Anyway, next thing ShallowGal knows she's flat on her back on the sidewalk. With little cartoon birdies circling her head. And nasty scrapes on her knees and elbows. Eli was the first one at the scene, followed by my sister and then the pizza delivery guy.

My sister, who is technically a doctor (3) , kept saying "there's no blood" which at the time may as well have been "your grapes are on fire" for all the sense it made. You know that phrase "knock you senseless?" I sure do now. The pizza guy offered to dial 911 which was pretty nice given the lousy tip my mom had just given him. Eli wanted to kiss my boo-boos better. How flippin awesome is it that he still thinks thats how it works?

I know what you're thinking. A) How did you scrape your knees and elbows and still manage to bang the back of your head? (Answer: I am just that flexible) B) How do you get to be almost 40 and still think you're going to live forever?

Believe me, I've thought plenty about PCSguy's mortality. But he's older and a guy so I'm likely to outlive him. I'm not being cruel, just practical. (You know what else is practical? My new Earth shoes.)

ShallowGal can work shoes into any conversation. It's a gift.

True Story: At PCSguy's last physical the doctor looked at his chart and said "halfway there."

And it's not like I haven't thought about death, in theory at least. At a silent auction last year PCSguy and I won a few hours with an estate attorney. Mostly because there was no competition because all the other bidders were responsible adults who had written a will long before they had three children, a large dog (4) and a mortgage. But that's the extent of my preparation, a free will.

Here's the thing I decided about my dying. It would totally suck. I mean my kids would never be able to find the glue and PCSguy doesn't know the ATM code or the location of the checkbook so he couldn't get money to buy more. The house would literally fall apart at the seams. He would do all the laundry in hot water until the clothes were too tiny to wear. The four of them would eat nothing but home fries, burritos and gummy bears.

It's a very sad future sans ShallowGal.

1) My sister's friend Rebbecca
2) Probably if I could just choose between referring to myself in first or third person for once and for all.
3) Of psychology, which at this point is probably exactly the kind of doctor SG needs.
4) I like to remind my stalkers from time to time that I have a large doberman.


vuboq said...

The shoes are CUTE. Vuboq approves :-)

So, what happened? Are you OK? Or was this post a result of some sort of concussion?

And you make it sound like nothing but home fries, burritos and gummy bears is a bad thing.

Anonymous said...

Fact 1: My life would be in shambles if Shallow Gal even sprained her pretty little ankle.

Fact 2: PCS Guy makes the world's best home fries.

Anonymous said...

The "grapes on fire" made me laugh very, very loud in my office today...also knowing that the PCSguy would do all the laundry in hot water!

First Time Dad said...

SG - FTM has just hit pause on 'The Batchelor' (if only FTD could get the many hours back in his life from such terrible TV) and has instructed me to share my culinary boundaries. At 2.5 months, bean would have to live on Wheatabix, protein bars and Dubliner cheese.... at least CJG could promise hot food...