A Very Shallow Restaurant Review : Wildfire

Just so we're clear, when I say " a very shallow (review, political commentary, etc) I mean it in the same way that one would refer to "a very special Blossom."(1) Mostly in that it will happen frequently, go on 22 minutes too long and teach a valuable lesson about being a teenager in the 90's.

If ShallowGal could be anything in the whole wide world when she grew up, she'd be independently wealthy. I'd be damn good at it too. But no matter how many times I check the classifieds or Monster.com there are no opportunities available. So my fall-back job would have to be restaurant reviewer.

Last Saturday night, PCSguy and I went to Wildfire. We chose this restaurant for 2 reasons: we had a gift card and we're dead broke.

Wildfire is owned by the Lettuce Entertain You restaurant group, which should have been our first warning.

Fact: Restaurants owned by firms with punny names suck.

We arrived around 6 pm and were told there was a 30 minute wait. We were given a beeper which would reach as far as Saks. So we went to Saks.

Ironically, ShallowGal had a $200 gift card to Saks. And in a stunning twist of fate, ShallowGal needed shoes. First she tried on these darling Kate Spade slides

ShallowGal also tried on these much more practical Cole Haan slides

For the record, PCSguy would like you to know I already own these in white

Now comes the math portion of our evening. Saks was running a promotion where if you spent $400 on shoes, you would receive a $150 gift card towards a future purchase. ShallowGal already had a $200 gift card which means that the shoes were basically free. PCSguy claims that ShallowGal's math is faulty, and her supposition only works if Saks sold things we actually needed like paper towels. Then PCSguy asked the shoe salesman if Saks sold paper towels.

Needless to say, ShallowGal left empty handed. Or bare footed, I guess, if you're being literal.

Anyway, our pager finally went off and we were seated at a four top right next to the kitchen. This allowed ShallowGal to witness the fact that nobody sneezed on her food. That's about the highest compliment I can give this restaurant.

Ability to not sneeze on food: 2 thumbs up.

ShallowGal started by ordering a wild raspberry cosmopolitan (2). After thirty minutes and eleventeen million updates on how busy the bar was, ShallowGal got her drink. It tasted like a shirley temple and probably contained even less alcohol as one.

Bar Service: unsatisfactory.

PCSguy & I started by splitting a caeser salad. The romaine was fresh and cut into little tiny pieces but the dressing was bland. Hardly worth the calories. For a main course we split the special: three 3 ounce filets, each with a different crust. We could only identify the horseradish crusted steak, the other 2 pieces of meat remained a mystery.

Our entree came with one side, a hunk of steamed broccoli drowned in herb butter. We also ordered an extra side dish, a large cheddar double baked potato.

Food: C minus

The dessert tray was a disaster ~ if ShallowGal can't force herself to choose a dessert, you know something is wrong. Our waiter seemed unwilling to suggest anything, and several times left the tray on the table to ask the kitchen our difficult questions. Like what flavors of ice cream do you have? So, yes, those fingerprints in all the fake desserts are mine. (3)

One salad, one steak dinner, one drink, one extra side dish + tip was $65. So a normal couple would easily drop a C note.

Will ShallowGal and PCSguy return? Unlikely, even though there's still $35 left on the gift card.

Overall restaurant experience: 1/2 star out of 5.

And ShallowGal still needs shoes.


1) If you have a minute can you help clean up that wikipedia article? It fails to meet Wikipedia's "high standards." And you know how SG respects wikipedia and their high standards.
2) STOLI Razberi, DeKUYPER Triple Sec, cranberry juice, raspberry syrup. What was SG thinking?
3) They felt like real desserts, only the ice cream wasn't cold. You know you always wanted to know that.