Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Famous people SG saw, semi-famous people SG met and not at all famous people SG fell in love with

Although ShallowGal was certainly tempted to drag out this post into 3 separate posts, she kindly consolidated it into one very long and fairly dull post. Which frees up the rest of her week to also not blog. You're very welcome.

Part 1) Famous People SG Saw

Friday night, ShallowGal went to the place where one goes in New York to see famous people ~ a Knicks game.

ShallowGal discovered a use for both her new Nikon camera lens
and the "annotate" function on Preview

Spike Lee wasn't there but SG did spot John Leguizamo, Chloe Sevigny, and Michael Rapaport.

ShallowGal was distracted during halftime, so she isn't entirely sure what happened to Leguizamo.

Admit it, you'd be distracted too.

When the game resumed, John had been replaced by the uber-adorable Ciara. Who SG had honestly never heard of, but now wants to adopt.

ShallowGal also saw Justin Tuck from the Giants and Bucky Dent from the Yankees. (1)

Part 2) Semi famous People that SG Met

Marinka. And Husbandrinka. And not only did SG meet them, she learned the real reason Husbandrinka doesn't read Marinka's blog (2) And then she pet Nicki the cat. And (yes there's more!) SG actually went shopping for her much ballyhooed brownie pan with Marinka. (3) Does it sound like I'm bragging? Cause I totally am. (4)

Part 3) Not-at-all famous People SG Met

Her father's girlfriend Jessara. (5) Who SG loved. No, not loved. Loved, Loved, Loved. And wants her father to marry and live happily ever after. Unfortunately, Jessara lives, I kid you not, on the border of Brazil and Uruguay which is roughly an 11 hour commute from my father's midtown apartment. Which, considering he doesn't even like to date women in Queens, is a bit of a haul.

1) But Bucky pissed me off so no picture of him.
2) Spell check HATED that sentence on so many levels. But I'm pretty durn sure that's how you spell doesn't.
3) Oddly enough, spell check had no problem with ballyhooed, even when SG originally typed it Ballywhoed. Is this the April fools Day virus I keep hearing about?
4) And SG got Marinka's cell phone number and sent her incessant text messages the entire drive home.
5) SG also learned that her father occasionally reads her blog. Which is weird cause she never even told him she had a blog. Hi Dad!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

To my son on his eleventh birthday (2 days late)

Dear Jake:

So it finally happened. You don't want me bringing cupcakes to your class today at lunch for your birthday.

Fine. Be that way. I don't care.

Except I do. And you know why it makes me so sad? Because I never expected it from you. Eli, maybe. Noa, for sure. But we have a special relationship, one forged from your early 2 1/2 years of being an only child. Other than a couple of neighbors, I didn't have any other friends with kids then; it was all you and me, my all-day, every-day buddy.

You're the kid who at 4 invented the secret handshake that means "I love you." The one we still use. The kid who will spend hours with me at the library. The kid who inherited my sense of humor.

Like that month and a half that we mocked your father for the way he holds a knife

Yes, I know you're a big guy now, almost a teenager. I see that when you eat a turkey sandwich minutes before dinner and when I'm able to wear your winter coat to shovel snow. (1) When you roll your eyes at my inability to recall the quadratic equation on my first try or find Mali on a map. (2)

But no matter how big you think you are, you will always be my first baby. Happy Birthday. I love you.

1) Why am I still shoveling snow when I own an eleven year?
2) Joke's on you. At almost 40, I've needed neither of these facts.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

How babies are born according to my 4 year old (1)

Eli's teacher, his beloved Miss Judy, had a baby this week. Being the saint that all preschool teachers are, she worked up until the very last minute, ten full days past her due date. Eli had many questions, not the least of which was "how will that ginormous baby get out of Miss Judy?"(2)

I once read that you should first ask what they think and work from there. Eli provided the following information:

  • The baby will come out of Miss Judy's ear.
  • Eli has 2 dogs in his belly which will also come out his ear.
  • The plan is to keep one of these dogs and trade the other one in for an actual baby.
  • Boys cannot have babies which is why he needs to gestate a extra dog to use for trade.
Close enough. I smiled and told him he was correct on all counts.

Miss Judy, having significantly more experience with four year olds, simply answered that the doctor would help the baby get out. Eli shot me an annoyed look and nodded wisely.

With any luck he will remember that all future questions on the topic should be addressed to Miss Judy.

1) These quirky things were way cuter when he was 3. Right?
2) My friend Pia explained the basics to her kids when they were 5 and 7. Her daughter was appalled. "You did that with daddy?" she whined. "Duh," replied her brother "Twice."

Monday, March 16, 2009

A very Shallow investigation: Things SG wasn't doing when she also wasn't blogging last week

Which according the rules of English grammar involving double negatives, should cause these things to automatically just happen. Wait, let me look. Nope. Apparently avoiding double negatives does not mean what I thought it meant. Damn.

Well, if nothing else, you should rest assured that SG has not been wasting the time when she was not blogging engaged in some other more productive task. Unless you're PCSguy and then you should know that SG spent her week involved in some very important things. Like buying that new coffeemaker. Hey! Why don't I make you some coffee? Look at the size of that cat!

Is he gone? Let's start this investigation.


It's a conundrum how SG's children can go through so many clothes
and yet still always look like orphans.


Not a hair on her his precious little head was harmed.

3. Other things not pictured but also not completed last week: visit DMV to renew driver's license, bake Oreo brownies or finish the taxes.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Shallow-land. A play in 3 scenes

Scene 1: ShallowGal and Noa are discussing Noa's interim report in which her teacher suggests (1) that her classwork would benefit from less talking in class.

SG: Talking in class is a bad habit, like biting your nails. You just need to make an effort to stop.
Noa: Like you're so perfect.
SG: Name one bad habit I have (2)

Noa: Turning boxes inside out.
SG: That's really more of a lifestyle choice.

Scene 2: ShallowGal is measuring Noa for the skating dress she is having made (3) for the upcoming competition season. (4)

SG: You're between a 6 and an 8 but we'll go with the 8 because it's easier to take in than let out.
Jake: What size would I be?
SG: If you wore a skating dress?
Jake: Yes.
SG: Let me get this straight. I need to finish ordering this, clean up your dinner dishes, put Eli to bed, make my own dinner, supervise showers and teeth brushing (4) all in the next like 45 minutes so I can get 7 hours sleep before I have to wake up and do it all over again, but you'd like me to stop and measure you for an imaginary hypothetical skating dress?
Jake: Never mind.
SG: That's what I thought.

Scene 3: The dinner table.

Eli: Knock knock

SG: Who's there?

Eli: This blonde walks into a room.

SG: Wait. You're four. Where did you learn blonde jokes?

Eli: My worms (5) told them to me.

SG: Your worms told you a knock knock jokes about a blonde?

Eli: My worms told me the knock knock joke and my duck told me the blonde joke.

SG: So what's the punchline?

Eli: I still like yogurt!

SG: I don't get it.

Eli: Never mind.

and FIN.

1) In no surprise to anyone who has ever met Noa.
2) Eating in bed, too much reality tv and referring to myself constantly in the third person are the ones that come to mind. I don't know if Noa was overlooking them out of obliviousness or self protection.

3) Read "having made"as "won on ebay"

4) Meaning the competition at our home rink. ShallowGal has no delusions about her kids skating careers; they are good skaters but not 'leave the state good'.

5) Because I haven't yet caved to the pressure of a dog, Eli owns several imaginary pet worms, as well as a frog and a duck.

Friday, March 6, 2009

How to make Oreo Brownies, ShallowGal style

1) Invite self + posse to friend Pia's house for dinner. Generously offer to bring dessert.

2) Happen upon recipe for Oreo brownies. Become obsessed with these brownies based solely on the photos.

Food porn stolen from this awesome blog(1)

3) Find Oreos on sale at Safeway. Consider it a sign from G-d that you should need were put on this Earth to make these brownies. (2)

4) Buy top shelf chocolate chips. Borrow a double boiler. Clear calender for entire morning to give brownies the attention they deserve.

5) Remember that last night, while making popcorn shrimp, the oven started getting all smokey and set off the fire alarm. The one that is hard wired to the fire station. Clean the oven (3) to prevent a repeat of that fun. Not that SG doesn't enjoy visiting with firefighters. But. must. focus.

6) Start lining up all the ingredients. Discover that there is only one stick of unsalted butter in the refrigerator (4) Wonder why G-d is toying with me today.

7) Look in downstairs freezer for butter. Find these:

This will free up SG's morning to study theology and food photography

8) Bank on Pia not reading my blog today.
Thaw brownies and move to platter. Serve and enjoy.

1) I also blame her for my obsession with this brownie pan.
2) SG is constantly looking for signs from G-d about why she is on this Earth and is a little annoyed that he wasted a sign on this.
3) 'Clean the oven' is shorthand for 'take a wet paper towel and wipe all the black crap off the oven floor'
If you have a better way, I'd love to have you come over and demonstrate.
4) Butter was the first ingredient, making it a very short line.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Mostly Wordless Wednesday: The HUH? edition

ShallowGal to PCSGuy: "Don't trip on the L in the doorway."

Like we live on Sesame Street or something.