Wrong Word Wednesday (1): The "REALLY? This is how you choose to re-enter the world of blogging?" edition

I'm not even sure which of my cookbooks tells me how to prepare foot funghi (2)

1) I know it's Tuesday. That's what makes it funny. It's been a while, I know.
2) Alternate caption was something about regular quality foot funghi

Another casulty of the recession

All is not well in ShallowLand.

It's this stupid recession.

To save money, Charles' company made some rule that restricted his travel schedule.

So my husband, usually on the road 16-20 days a month, is now home every single night.

Which sounds like it would be exactly what I want. And in theory it would be. But there's one problem.

We only own one pillow.

That might be a slight exaggeration. We really own 32 gazillion pillows. (1) But we only own one good pillow.

Back in the olden days, I'd use the pillow Monday thru Friday and then Charles would use it on the weekends when he was home. And I would have been so well rested from my 5 nights with the good pillow that I could sleep on an inferior pillow just fine. And sometimes on Sundays I'd manage to fall asleep, or at least play possum, before he got into bed and hope he wouldn't wake me just to get the good pillow.

Those days are over. Charles is home 7 nights a week and asserts that it's his pillow, just cause I bought it for him for our anniversary.

I was telling my friend Wendy (2) this story the other day and she offered to buy me a new pillow. As if it's that easy.

The pillow in question is a Tempur-pedic neck pillow. And according to their website buying the wrong size could be hazardous to your health:

It is important that you choose the proper pillow thickness based on your shoulder dimensions and sleeping position preference to promote an anatomically correct posture. A pillow that forces your head too high or allows it to fall too far back not only places stress on your neck, but could inhibit breathing.

I just can't take that chance.

There's a chart (3) to help you buy the right pillow. But it asks all these personal questions like my height. Do I use the height I tell the weight watchers people so my goal weight can be 10 pounds higher? (4) Or should I use the height that allows my husband to perpetuate the myth that he's really 5'9" (5) ?

Tempur-pedic also needs to know if I sleep on my side or my back and I sleep on my stomach. I'm afraid if I go into the Healthy Back store and tell them that, not only will they not sell me a new pillow, they might take away the one I already have.

Keep your fingers crossed. With any luck, this recession will end, my husband will resume his busy travel schedule and I will regain full custody of the pillow.


1) Does 'integrity in blogging' require me to really go upstairs and count all the pillows?
2) Wendy is totally awesome but was eliminated from BFF contention because she's training for a marathon. I have a strict "no-runners" clause.
3) A chart. To buy a pillow. This is why the terrorists hate us.
4)5'6"
5) 5'4"

T minus one

The day we've all been dreading is nigh. Despite my pleas and my prayers Linda is moving to Leesburg tomorrow .

Obviously I have a plan. During the move, I'll be watching 3 of her 4 children. I'll send her this text.

Planning to kidnap your BFFs kids? There's an App for that.

Unfortunately it probably won't work. Linda knows me well enough that she's stashing her spare kid somewhere else.

Paperwork Hell

What I'm looking for:

Noa's camp medical form that took the pediatrician 2 weeks, cost me $20 and was due 6 weeks ago.

What I found instead:

The obedience school diploma
for a dog that's been dead for 25 years. (1)

I think it's fair to say that I need a better system.

1) What do you call the dog who graduates last in his class from obedience school? Doctor. Wait, wrong joke.

Le excuse

I don't know. There's no excuse. I've been doing stuff, interesting (1) stuff. Plenty to tell you. I'm in a good mood, getting my RDA of sunshine and exercise. I just haven't been feeling writey lately.

But then the fabulous Mouthy Housewives asked me (ME!) to guest post. (2) Giving assvice (3) is my speciality (4) along with making monte cristos and, well, I'm running low on specialities these days.

So go over there and give me some love. Make those mouthy Housewives wonder why it took them so damn long.


1) Interesting if you're my mother or my shrink
2) About fucking time.
3) Advice that comes out of my ass, duh.
4) Pronounced Spesh E ality.

Mostly Wordless Wednesday, Federal Holiday edition

I can't be the only one stymied by what I found under the couch today:

Either my husband is moon lighting for the cable company
or the couch is haunted.

Le Post that sits and sits because I can't think of a title.

Tuesday will be Charles and my 14th wedding anniversary. The traditional gift is ivory, but I'm going with the more contemporary gift: the world's largest gummy bear. (1) (2)

Photo borrowed from the awesome folks at Vat19.com

I got the idea, no kidding, from Kelly on the Real Housewives of New York, who tweeted about it, after complaining that she didn't eat processed food, while shoving gummy bears and jelly beans in her mouth. Because nobody embodies a healthy, happy relationship like Kelly.

Secret to our lengthy nuptials? Separate bathrooms. It sure as hell isn't our communications skills. To wit:

Charles: I saw the beginning of a good movie last night on HBO, we should put it on our Netflix queue.

Me: I thought we canceled HBO.

Charles: We did, that's why we should see if it's on Netflix.

Me: Did they not turn the HBO off? Do we need to call Directv again?

Charles: No they turned it off, we're good.

Me: I'm really stymied here. How did you see this movie?

Charles: I watched it on HBO last night.

Me:

Charles: In the hotel.

Me:

Charles: In Boston.

Me:

Charles: Where I was last night.

Me:

Charles: You did notice I wasn't here last night? (3)

We had another little snafu when I got stuck at an appointment and I texted him to ask if he could pick Eli up at a friend's house on his way home from work and he replied

NO

and then a minute later

PROB

which I interpreted as No and then Probably, which I thought was a strange response because I'm at the doctor and it's not like Eli has mastered the suburban public transportation schedule, but he actually meant NO PROBLEM. (4)

Then again, who needs communication when you have a 5 pound gummy bear?

1) I made a similar joke on our 12th anniversary.
2) He got me an ivory patent leather Coach bag and you all don't need me to spell out that whole process, although suffice it to say, that I've been doing my own shopping since I got tic tacs for my birthday. I also bought a kick-ass pair of sandals but I can't manage to make that one relate. I'm losing my touch.
3) In my defense, I'm not very observant.
4) Originally I wrote "I dunno, you be the judge." but you people are unpredictable lately, and I can't have you all taking his side.