Friday, July 10, 2009

Turducken - gate 2009

When ShallowGal started blogging, she spent many, many hours deciding what kind of blog she wanted to write. Finally she settled on writing a Canadian blog.

But then SG decided she didn't want to be pigeon-holed. (1) Which is why this particular post has lingered in the draft folder for several weeks. (1.5)

Because nobody likes a cooking-failure blog. But everybody wants to read about turduckens. It's the classic Catch-22 scenerio, just like Joseph Heller alluded to.

Without further ado: ShallowGal's turducken's debacle time line.

This picture borrowed from affordableturducken.com
because the only thing crazier than a chicken stuffed in a duck stuffed in a turkey
is overpaying for it. (2)


1 week prior: See half-price turducken while perusing clearance meat department. Decide to fulfill PCSguy's second greatest poultry-related fantasy.

3 days prior: Move bird from freezer to fridge to begin what box claims will be a 36 hour thaw. ♫ A 36 hour thaw. ♫ (3)

Noon, the big day: Turducken still mostly frozen. Against better judgment and actual health department training, move turducken to kitchen counter.

3:00PM: Place turducken, covered in recycled foil (3.5), in 325 degree preheated oven for its three hour tour. (4)

5:00 PM: Check turducken's temperature. 120 degrees. Boost oven to 350.

5:15 PM: Answer endless questions from 4 year old about whether the chicken swallowed the duck before or after it got eaten by the turkey. Listen to 11 year old laugh uncontrollably at the idea that the chicken was probably stuffed up the turkey's butt.

6:00 PM: Take turducken's temperature. 135 degrees. Boost temperature to 400 degrees and stick a tray of frozen appetizers in as well.

6:20 PM: Feed posse bacon-wrapped filet on teeny toothpicks. Discuss possibility of ordering pizza.

7:00 PM: Scream at PCSguy that this is clearly his fault for coveting such a freak of nature.


It looks more like a chicken and a duck inside a turkey together
while I was led to believe the duck was inside the chicken
or possibly vice versa. At this point, we don't know.


7:30 PM: Decide to serve the posse the outermost pieces. Serve PCSguy a piece that looks like the duck's kidney. Save the rest to make turducken curry the next day. (5)

7:31: The posse announces that it tastes like turkey loaf. Nobody asks for seconds, although everyone does ask if SG plans to blog about this. ShallowGal bites back the words "I told you so" because rather than tasting sweet, it tastes kind of poultry-ish.

1) And there's the slight issue of not being Canadian. Unless I'm in the running for best Canadian blog, and then let's throw another shrimp on the barbie.
1.5) Since May 26th to be exact.
2) That's not their official tag line, but they are welcome to it. I foresee no further use for it here.
3) To the tune of the Gilligan's Island Theme song, in case you're Canadian, like me, since we just watched DeGrassi and ice hockey.
3.5) I may poison my family, but I'm saving the planet, dammit!
4) I really wish I had saved that joke, it's better here.

5) Do I even need to tell you that never happened?

7 comments:

Stimey said...

I always assumed that the chicken was inside the duck inside the turkey, like nesting cups. I'm a little disappointed that this is not the case.

David said...

I observed that the sentence noting this was PCSGuy's second-greatest poultry-related fantasy did not have a footnote further elucidating this.

Thank you.

country mouse said...

I had Turducken at a wedding about 10 years ago. It sucked. And it was unnatural. It might as well have been a dachshund inside a turtle inside a yak. Didn't go back for seconds . . .

I'm Julie said...

May I just ask.... where are Vuboq's comments on this post?

Oh my lord, the post was glorious.

The comments? ENDLESS possibility.

Elisa said...

A chicken stuffed in a duck stuffed in a turkey?? That somehow doesn't sound very appetizing to me. I like all 3 types of meat... on their own.

Who comes up with this stuff???

the mama bird diaries said...

This is why I order take-out.

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