Mostly Wordless Whining ~ now in hi-def!

Because really nothing's worse than being subjected to
expensive water sports lessons on vacation. (1)

1) Possibly SG is bitter because she's never been able to get up on water skis. And vindictive because Noa pushed her off the banana boat.

It isn't officially a vacation until SG drags the posse someplace massively obscure

This should fit the bill

The original destination was the Maryland Science Center but a traffic jam left ShallowFamily short on time. SG pulled out her magical iphone and did a little quick typing. Someone reviewed the National Electronics Museum on Yelp and claimed it was even better than the Air and Space Museum. (1)

This is NOT your mother's museum.

It's more like if your crazy Aunt Sophie with all the cats had an electronics museum featuring a picture of her betamax. . .

And her gross, vague peanut butter cookie recipe.

The showpiece of the museum was this newfangled invention called (wait me check my notes) a FAX machine.(2)




PCSguy and SG spent several lifetimes minutes trying to send each other faxes but instead fixing paper jams and explaining to the kids that THIS is why you have to get a masters degree so you can pay someone to fix the fucking paper tray. Oh wait. We're on vacation. Someone else can unjam the fucking fax machine.

It's really the only way to start a vacation.

1) Upon closer inspection, we discovered that the review was submitted by the National Electronics Museum's mother.
2) PCSguy claims he remembers when people started using fax machines except the diorama explained that the fax machine was invented in 1843 making PCSguy is substantially older than we thought.

A PSA from my 4 year old

There are only 81 more shopping days until Halloween.

And his costume already needs to be held together with scotch tape

An invitation I absolutely can refuse and other things that don't warrant a full post

You know how SG is always trying to figure out what kind of blog she wants to write? It's starting to feel a lot like an excuse blog, where once a week SG logs on and tells you the pathetic justification for why she hasn't written that week.

But just you wait. SG has at last count, over a dozen almost-finished posts (1) in her draft folder, saved all for some rainy Saturday.

Or not. Take what you can get. Which today is a bunch of crap kicking around in SG's head.

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This was going to be a Mostly Wordless Wednesday, but as often happens, Wednesday came and went without SG ever actually noticing it was Wednesday.

Last week SG got a picnic invitation from one of her volunteer organizations.

SG doesn't want to alarm you but

she is pretty sure that is blood all over the chicken.

Needless to say, SG is busy that day.
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In the category of stupidest conversation ShallowGal had all week that didn't turn into a fight but probably should have:

(SG had asked PCSguy to stop at Trader Joes on the way home from work and pick up some carne asada or beef bulgogi to throw on the grill. Instead PCSguy came home with lamb and some story about the beef being more expensive or poisoned or something.)

PCSguy: Isn't this lamb good?

SG: It is good, but honestly, I was really in the mood for carne asada.

PCSguy: You should have told me, I would have gotten that.

SG: I did tell you that.

PCSguy: No, you said "Get carne asada or bulgogi"

SG: Right. Either would have been fine.

PCSguy: But you didn't say that's what you wanted. You should have been more specific.

SG: What should I have said? (2)

PCSguy: "Get carne asada or bulgogi."

SG:

PCSguy: Do you see the difference?

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The conversation that tells me I need to spend more time with my 11 year old (3)

Scene: Watching the Yankees / Red Sox game

Jake: Do the batters come in any order or do they just go up as they feel like it?

SG: It's all strategic. Usually the best players go first or second except the guy who hits fourth who you call the clean-up hitter and he's usually a really good hitter

Jake: Does the pitcher know that?

SG: Does the pitcher know what? That Alex Rodriguez is a good hitter?

Jake: Uh-huh.

SG: No, that's our little secret.

Jake: Cool.

1) SG debated telling you the topics and letting you vote in the comments which one to finish first.
2) So I know for next time, in case I get that partial lobotomy I've been eying and send PCSguy to the store again.
3) Who knows less about baseball than VUBOQ if that's even humanly possible.

According to the nice lady at the Advanced SEO seminar, short relevant titles are the way to go, and other things I learned at BlogHer09

Lesson #1: Next year, SG is going to bring an interpreter to BlogHer. Because the agenda is filled with interesting, yet massively confusingly named seminars. To wit: SG was not supposed to wear her prairie skirt to Bloggers are Pioneers in a Post-“Employee” World. However Make Your Blog More Accessible meant building virtual wheelchair ramps which is exactly what SG thought it sounded like, but couldn't imagine it really was.

Lesson #2: Don't attend a session like LifeBlogging Outside the Lines: When you’re not a Geek, a Political Wonk or a MommyBlogger if you actually are a Mommy blogger. Because, dude, mommy bloggers are like the Jon Gosselins of the blogosphere. At least according to the angry garden bloggers that SG met there.

Lesson #3) Little Debbie cupcakes make fantastic fake boobs. SG discovered this totally by accident while trying to smuggle snack cakes out of the bowling alley in her bra. (1) Which leads us to . . .

Lesson #4) Swag is a hot topic and SG totally didn't know it. Hell, SG's roommate actually gave her swag bag to a homeless man on the way back from a party. And not in a holier-than-thou way, but in a I-don't-need-it-but-he does way. Yes the swag was nice. PCSguy was pretty darn happy with his new Kodak video camera and Noa's been carrying her fur bowling bag everywhere. But SG witnessed no hoarding or pushing. But then again, this year SG ran with a fairly classy crowd.

Lesson #5) Fake Jessica can't bowl.

Do I need to spell everything out for you? Fine. Marinka and SG went to BowlHer with the phenomenal Jessica Bern who ditched us within seconds of entering the bowling alley. Ever the optimist, SG still entered her name on the automatic scorer. Short a bowler, SG introduced herself to a woman named Bing who was helpfully wearing a tee shirt that said Bing.com. At least SG thought that was what she said her name was, but possibly the shirt confused her. (2) Since Bing.com is actually Microsoft's new search engine.

Because SG wasn't 100% positive that Bing's name really was Bing, she avoided any uncomfortable situations by just calling her Fake Jessica. Way less awkward. (3)

Lesson #4) Roughly one out of every three bloggers is named Amy. (4) As a sub-lesson, if you turn around every time someone calls out the name Amy, you will be late for lunch. And look a teeny bit like a loser when you turn around and go to hug someone who is looking over your shoulder.

Lesson #5) If you wait a week to post your BlogHer recap, someone else will steal your idea and you will have no way to prove you thought of it first.


1) Storing things in her bra in definitely one of SG's more endearing habits.
2) Like when you look at something like this: RED. Also, FYI, according to the accessible blog lady, this footnote is a no-no as it makes no sense to my blind readers.
3) Except for Fake Jessica who bowled, I kid you not, a 9.
4) If this were America's Next Top Model, Tyra would make us all change our names. SG would be Delores because there aren't enough top models named Delores.

Things that Freak ShallowGal out at 34,000 feet on her way to BlogHer 09

Remember when SG's biggest problem was fear of accidentally killing Jenny the Bloggess in a bizarre elevator accident? Ah, 2008. The good old days. Now SG has REAL issues.

1. The only network SG's laptop can find is called "USAirway Free WiFi." SG is flying on American. See the problem? How can SG be expected to concentrate while watching out the window to make sure we don't hit another plane?

2. Arriving at BlogHer '08 without an elevator pitch was cute, in a pathetic kind of way. A full year later and still not even sure if I'm Canadian? Way less cute.

3. SG's roommate this year is the mega-adorable Kelcey. Her husband won an Emmy. (1) Last year's roommate Lolita Travelsalot, like SG, still needs an afternoon nap. Kelcey's napping habits are as of yet unknown. Nothing scares SG more than the unknown. Except for USAir jets at 34,000 feet. And clowns.

4. While In Chicago, SG will see two of her best friends from college. Which was twenty two years ago. Now SG feels too old to go to a blogging convention.

5. Before even landing in Chicago, SG has compiled a lengthy list of forgotten items: reading glasses (2), xanax, earrings, and her fancy pink leather business card case. And xanax. Did I mention the xanax?


1) SG meant to tweet that with the hashtag #LameClaimsToFame.
2) Again, making SG too old to go to BlogHer

What Happened to the Girl I Married? (1)

True Story: When ShallowGal couldn't figure out an angle for her DC Metro Mom book club report and typed "What Happened to ", Google suggested that maybe the question I wanted to ask was "What happened to Seal's Face?"

An interesting question (2) but not the one I need answered. (3)

The author's wife designed this cover, a fact he doesn't mention in any of his 130 pages.

But maybe it should be. I guarantee that Seal never wonders what happened to the girl he married because even after 3 7/9 babies, that woman still has it going on.

PCSguy better not wonder it either. It's a totally bullshit question. It's been sixteen years, for heaven sakes, years filled with babies and sick parents and career changes. How on Earth could I possibly be the same person? Why would I even want to be?

A few years ago I added a line item to our budget: babysitting. PCSguy travels extensively and I was tired of missing book clubs and girls nights. I hate embezzling from my kids college funds but it sure as hell beat the other option of sitting home and whining about it.

I guess I just don't get women who sit home and wait for their husband's validation. Scratch that, I don't KNOW any women like that. Thank goodness. My friends and I may be busy and stressed and exhausted but we need a week in Tortola, not a few kind words at the end of the day.

And maybe someone to unload the dishwasher.

I guarantee that Heidi Klum isn't emptying the dishwasher in her house. That's why Seal is so sexy, lupus scarred face and all.


1) I always start humming that Katy Perry song, although last summer we changed the words to "I kissed a squirrel and I liked it" after our friend Ian hit a squirrel with his bike and ended up in the hospital for a month. We also sent him a stuffed squirrel. We're good friends like that.
2) According to Wikipedia, it's Lupus.
3) The questions I need answered today are 1) Does anyone still read this blog, cause after months of neglect I'm afraid to go check my stats 2) Where's my hairbrush and 3) will you pick a frickin personal tense for goodness sakes. I, She, SG. . . how many people write this blog? Or don't write this blog, would be more accurate.

The apparent ire in this run-on disaster of a post was inspired (4) by the book What Happened to the Girl I Married? by Michael Miller. Disclosure: SG received a free copy of this book.

4) SG puts the IRE in inspIREd in case you missed it the first time.