Friday, October 31, 2008

VUBOQ and the Straight Guy Discuss the Children

Today's guest author needs no introduction. ShallowGal met VUBOQ through Bossy's Excellent Road Trip and her life has not been the same since. For the better. Definitely for the better. Without further ado, the most honorable VUBOQ.

VUBOQ: Good Morning, Kittens! While ShallowGal and her brood are enjoying sunny Florida and Disney World, I volunteered to write a short little guest post for her.

The Straight Guy: And I decided to help because, dudes, ShallowGal is a totally hot chick! I mean, really, look at this:
SG editor note: I have absolutely no idea why this horrific picture came out so small.

*rowr* I'd totally hit that.

V: Whoa, there Cowboy, remember ShallowGal said we couldn't talk about, y'know, (whispers) S-E-X S-T-U-F-F

TGS: Then what the hell am I supposed to talk about?

V: Well, I thought we could talk about children. Children! Huh! What are the good for? Absolutely nothing! Children! Huh! Sing it with me!

TGS: Have you been smoking?

V: No, but I just ate like 15 mint chocolates. Like, OMG, we've barely started this post and we've already mentioned S-E-X S-T-U-F-F, drugs, and you CURSED. ShallowGal is going to be so angry with you ... Anyway, We're going to talk about children.
As some of you may know, I recently broke up with a guy who (was-totally-not-supportive-after-I-was-viciously-attacked-and-nearly-killed-in-broad-daylight-on-a-busy-street-on-a-rainy-Friday-afternoon) wanted children. I, however, do not want children. One of the Best Things about Being Gay (besides the, y'know, Thing ShallowGal Has Forbidden Us To Mention) is that we are unable to procreate. That makes me SuperHappy! Children are messy and noisy and, well, they smell. It's not that I don't like children. I like other people's children. And I like them most of all when they Go Home. Children of my own? No thank you.
What say you, Straight Guy?

TGS: Straight Guys love children. Srsly. And -gather 'round- I'll let you in on a little secret. I'll tell you why Straight Guys love children: Straight Guys love children because in order to have children you get to do, y'know, that Thing. And Straight Guys love doing that Thing. Srsly. It's practically all we think about. Well, sometimes we think about beer. But, usually, just that Thing. Mmm. That Thing. Don't believe me? Pick any random straight guy on the street or in your office. Right now, there's a 95% chance he's thinking about that Thing. Probably with you (if you're a totally hot chick, like ShallowGal). Maybe a little creepy, but true.
Dudes, find a Woman of a Certain Age, tell her you love children, that you want children, and you are guaranTEED to ... um ... do that Thing with her. Srsly.

V: Um, Straight Guy? Don't you think that's a little misogynistic?

TSG: Misogy-What?

V: Nevermind ... Even though we disagree on children, we do agree on one thing:

TSG: Properly trained, a child can be taught to bring you a beer when you get home from work.

V: Or mix the perfect martini.

TSG: They're like dogs, only with less shedding!

V: Probably slightly more drool though (depending on the breed)! Thanks for letting us guest post, ShallowGal. I hope you'll still speak to me after you read this. Love you! *smooches*


vuboq said...


Marinka said...

mmmm...martini...also, you can rest your drink on top of a small child's head.

I'm Julie said...

You can TRAIN them to get you alcohol?

Damn, why didn't I think of that?

Just called the Anklebiters over here, told 'em to go pour Momma a glass of happy.

VUBOQ you crack me up! Great post. Srsly.

Sherendipity said...

People should tag team guest posts all the time.
This is classic.

anne marie in philly said...

VUBOQ gets around!

countrymouse said...

Vuboq--I adore you and Straight Guy equally, but I have a sneaking suspicion that Straight Guy might be in denial about his orientation. His use of "srsly" gives him away.



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