Sunday, October 19, 2008

In which we learn how far ShallowGal will go for a snickers

When ShallowGal first moved into her neighborhood nine years ago she was a little suspicious. Maybe even a lot suspicious. Because her new neighborhood reminded her of a little place called Stepford, CT. No, that's too harsh. Maybe not Stepford. Maybe just that town on The X-files where the giant arms come out at night and swallow anything that isn't perfect.

Within hours of the moving truck pulling away, a dozen neighbors had stopped by with plates of cookies, cakes and advice. (1) Children frolicked on perfectly manicured lawns before coming in to freshly home cooked meals. ShallowGal had apparently moved to 1954.

But a month after moving in, SG discovered her new neighborhood's best feature. The high school homecoming parade. With candy. Free fricking candy.

Parades demand tradition. For eight years Serendity and her crew have come over. First we raid the bag collection. Then we walk to the corner where we engage in another tradition, the yearly debate about where to watch to ensure maximum candy.

The parade starts precisely at 5 PM. First the marching band marches past but they're busy holding instruments and flags. Thus they have no candy to throw. So even though they're impressive musically, they get this reaction:

Sephora bags are sturdy and the perfect size for collecting candy.
Also, interesting trivia: we always end up on this corner on Presidential election years.

Then the good stuff happens. First the Seniors drive by. SG yells "Seniors rule." And the seniors throw extra tootsie rolls in our direction.

Once the Seniors have passed come the Juniors. "Juniors kick Senior ass." The Juniors lob handfuls of little milky ways our way.

Next are the sophomores. "We love the sophomores," we yell, and are rewarded with peanut butter cups.

Then the freshmen come and because the seniors have since turned the corner, and SG didn't bring her thesaurus, we recycle. "Freshmen rule!" And they do, since they have brought skittles.

The crew team floats by (2) and SG screams "Crew is the best team!" Which they are because they have tootsie pops.

Then a small Miata carrying four students holding a sign that says YOUNG CONSERVATIVES cruises by. And there's a giant McCain sign on each side of the car.

Everyone looks at each other wondering what to do. And ShallowGal yells "Hooray for Young Conservatives!" and for her trouble receives several starlight mints.(3)

And then PCSguy said, and I quote, "you are such a fucking candy whore."

Now ShallowGal may be many, many things, but a candy whore? Actually if asked to make a list, it would probably look like this:

  1. Candy whore
  2. Mother
  3. Blogger
  4. Wife (Wife was #3 before someone impugned SG's good name)(4)

After the parade a neighbor approached ShallowGal and said "I was so impressed with Jake. He didn't cheer for the young conservatives just to get candy." In other words, ShallowGal is not just a candy whore but an outed candy whore. (5)

She looks sweet and will share ALL her starlight mints.
But don't even think of asking for something chocolate.

ShallowGal may be a candy whore but
at least she isn't going to insist on bringing her candy to bed tonight.

1) One such piece of advice; when Jake turns five he has to join the swim team. Jake was 18 months old at the time.
2) Dude. I didn't even realize that awesome bit of ironic punnery until the editing stage.

3) Although SG has it on good authority that John McCain prefers Werther's Originals.
4)So SG is actually not 'many, many' things. She's just 'some' things. That's so sad.
5) In my own defense, I NEVER would have cheered if I knew they were throwing starlight mints.


Anonymous said...

How about those bags? You covet lots and lots of bags! Whore Bag! It thought that was funny. Mary

sista #2 said...

OH....I just love the Christmas parade in our town!!!

Throwing candy from the floats!!!!!!! LOVE IT!

I need to find me a good sturdy bag this year.....


Teri said...

So typical of you liberals. Stealing candy from the hands of conservative children. Betraying your principles for a quick candy high. Have you no shame?

I guess one consolation of an Obama presidency will be equal candy for all. Candy redistribution. Spread the candy.

PS - According to the New York Times, Obama's favorite candy is trail mix: nuts, seeds, and raisins. Mental note: skip the Obamas house on Halloween.

Stimey said...

That is a tremendous candy haul. Our parades never involve that much candy. Or maybe we just have principles.

I'd rather have candy.

vuboq said...

Good lord. If you can't whore yourself out for candy, what's the point of living?

Maybe gin?

Kelley said...

Another reason why I have to move to the US.

Here the high school kids just throw bottles. And dammit, they are empty.

ShallowGal said...

PCSguy has asked that I post a retraction. He did not actually call me a "fucking candy whore" he called me a regular candy whore.

PS: Hey Teri, someone else I know loves trail mix, hmmm, let me think.

xoxo, SG

Becca said...

SG, I would have done the same thing. We can be regular candy whores together.

And now that I've read that whole post, do you know what I'm thinking? Your children are beautiful... AND I WANT THAT FUZZY PINK SWEATER! I am SO not even kidding!

I'm Julie said...

Starlight mints? Are they kidding??? Did they raid Grampa's candy dish for that crap? Rob the host station at the local Applebees?

Lagging at the polls, Young Conservatives. LAGGING. I'm thinking some Butterfingers will help your numbers. Give it a shot.

Sue @ My Party of 6 said...

Those Stepford-ites will turn on you if you cross party lines, huh?

Presidents come and go. Candy is forever. (Except Starlight mints - blech.)