Monday, November 3, 2008

An Open Letter to the Person Who Stole Shallow Gal’s Obama yard sign and sent Julie the racist anti-Obama e-mail.

Today's guest post is courtesy of the fabulous Julie from Blah Blah Blog. Julie just completed a half marathon which causes SG to seethe the green ooze of jealousy thru every pore of her body. Because that? Is fucking awesome.

(Unfortunately when SG gave her guest bloggers directions she was not specific enough. Because she instructed them to steer clear of right wing politics and excessive discussions of sex but neglected to forbid pro Red Sox banter. Rookie host blogger mistake.)

An Open Letter to the Person Who Stole Shallow Gal’s Obama yard sign and sent Julie the racist anti-Obama e-mail. (1)

Dear Person,

You suck.

Julie and Shallow Gal

P.S. Julie is sorry. She handled that poorly. What she meant to say was: Really? That was the best you could do? Steal and sign and forward a racist joke? You see, Person, if that is the best you can do, there is no room for discussion. All we can do is tell you that you suck. And we don’t like to do that. We’re nice people. (2)

Here’s the thing, Person: if you don’t want to vote for Obama, don’t. We don’t care. (3) We’d be happy to respectfully disagree. Then we could break bread together and part as friends. (4)

But no. You ruined that for us all, didn’t you? See - you suck.

Julie will not show the world the racist e-mail you sent her. She not only deleted it, she even Shift+Deleted it. She had to banish it forever and ever, so deep was her loathing of you and your evil ways, Person. But Julie will say this to you: Watermelons? That was the best you could come up with?? You’re not even a smart racist. (5) Nobody even gets that reference anymore, because guess what, Person? That particular joke, thankfully, died in 1960. Watermelon is food for all people, you jackass. (6)

Julie shouldn’t speak for Shallow Gal. (7) (7.5) But she knows they both hate that you have made them part of the problem. They don’t like responding to your hostile cowardice with an anonymous call-out on a blog. They are better than that. Well, Julie thinks they are better than that. She doesn’t know for sure, since she’s never actually met Shallow Gal. But Julie has imaginary conversations with SG, whence they discuss parenting, religion, world peace, and labelmakers. (And SG takes her shoe shopping, ‘cuz Julie is totally lame at shoe shopping.) And in those imaginary conversations, SG always encourages Julie to take the high road, heighten the level of discourse, and be a force of good in the world. (8)

So again, Julie would like to apologize for saying you suck. In reality, Julie is all about peace, love, and understanding. Even towards people like you, who suck.

P.P.S It’s possible Julie enjoyed writing footnotes way too much. And the third person omniscient voice is also really fun. Hello, Blog Reformat!

(1) Julie is presuming you are one and the same. She can’t handle the thought that there might be more than one of you.
(2) Well, Shallow Gal is nice. Julie can go either way.
(3) Not entirely true. But Julie is trying to make a point for peace. Don’t piss her off.
(4) Julie lives in the O.C. You don’t think she knows how to be friends with Republicans?
(5) Yeah. As if.
(6) Stupidity, on the other hand, belongs to a special few.
(7) Though technically, she could, as she has commandeered SG’s blog, and can say whatever the hell she wants.
(7.5) Go Red Sox!
(8) Julie, on the other hand, encourages SG to join her in another glass of wine and calling that Person a Big Dumb Butthead.


Marinka said...

Le Marinka enjoyed the letter so very much, and agrees with all the points, except about the Red Sucks.

I'm Julie said...

I have to 'fess up. I don't know the first thing about baseball. I had to call a fan friend and ask ... um, who are Yankee rivals? And then I learned about a group of people known as Red Socks.

Yes, I really am THAT lame.

Stimey said...

Excellent guest posting. I'm sensing a Julie-led mutiny of Le SG in the near future.