Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Just don't call it a resolution

Unbelievably scary fact: In 2007 I gained TWENTY pounds.(1) Apparently this is not uncommon for women on xanax. Did I eat less before because I was depressed? Did the xanax change my metabolism? Honestly, I don't give a fuck. I just want it off.

So fine. I joined Weight Watchers (2). I think I've made it clear how I feel about resolutions, and this clearly isn't one, being as today is Wednesday, January 9th. Resolutions begin on the first, or at least on a Monday. This is simply a lifestyle change, made with the realization that all the best clothes look better on a size 8. They look even better on a size 6.

Now according to the nice people at WW, other people have made a New Year's resolution to lose weight and quickly given up. So even though mine is clearly not a resolution (3) they sent me five tips to persevere (see, I told you they were nice!)

Let's examine them together:

1. Make your resolutions public.

It doesn't get more public than this, unless I write them on a blog that people actually read.(4)

2. Write down your resolution.

Again, done. I, ShallowGal, resolve that this summer nobody will ask me when the baby is due. I resolve that I will not need to start shopping in the Encore department at Nordstrom.(5) I resolve that I will not have to risk the lives of everyone aboard our flightseeing trip in Ketchikan by lying about my weight to a total stranger.

3. Keep things simple.

Simple is good. Hell, I specialize in simple. But look how WW defines this: "Break a big goal into a series of smaller goals. Want to lose 50 pounds? Shoot for losing 10 percent of your body weight first, or set five 10-pound incremental weight-loss goals."

Ten pounds is not a simple goal. Ten pounds is halfway to my goal. I want a frickin parade at ten pounds.

4. Mark your achievements.

"Each time you make a small lifestyle change aimed at reaching your goal—adding 5 minutes to your daily walk, for instance—put a star on your calendar so you can see your progress."

Am I two years old? Do they really think a star on my calendar will motivate me? It's going to take at least a princess sticker. Or shoes. Shoes really motivate me. And handbags. You should just see how hungry I'll be for a new Marc Jacobs.

5. Make small changes.

I'm not even sure what this means; is this the obligatory 'take the stairs instead of the elevator' type advice? Or switch out your whole milk for skim? I have no clue.

If anyone has any other diet strategies, I'd love to hear them. And honest to blog, this is so not going to become a weight-loss blog. If anything being thin will make me even more shallow (6) cause all the cute clothes will fit !

1) Did you ever notice that if you look at the word twenty long enough it looks kind of weird?
2) Eighteenth time's the charm they always say !
3) One day in therapy I will figure out why I'm so obsessed with NOT making resolutions.
4) Actually I take that back. I recently added sitemeter (the basic version, I'm not stalking you, I promise) and I now have well over two dozen readers all over the lower 48 and Canada.
5) For the longest time I thought maybe that meant they sold used clothes.

6) I know, as if !


Anonymous said...

Waving "hello" from Canada!


Anonymous said...

Only 20? I gained 40 once in year. Top that baby!

T - from PA!

Anonymous said...

I lost 40 lbs. last year. I'll tell you my secret. It started with my husband calling me "fat". That got me thinking. So I started by wiping out all "white" food. No pasta, no rice, no bread. That worked wonders. So I kept going. I cut out the two spoons full of sugar in my eight cups of coffee a day. People said "Wow. You look great!" Then I started smoking more. And drinking more coffee. In no time at all I was thin as a rail and amazingly - I found that I could manage a whole day on six triskets and a spoonful of peanut butter.
Now if I were 13 years old they would call that an eating disorder. But all my friends and co-workers kept complimenting me on my new trim appearance. *I* was thinking "Wow. Look at my self control. I am the sh*+"
Then I woke up one morning (after not sleeping for like the 3rd night in a row which was pretty typical for the previous six months), and I looked in the mirror and saw MY MOTHER. And then I realized there was an issue.
The whole weight thing is way overblown. Be healthy. Be sane. Live for your children. And remember that PSCGuy sells lots of printer cartridges so you can eat quality and your kids can have a Shallow Mom around for a long while. Now that is self esteem.
BTW - I have gained back 20 lbs by going to the gym 5 days a week and working my a$$ off to gain back all the muscle and bone mass my body ate while I was trying to loose weight and look cute in a size 8.
Seriously. You look fabulous. You look loved.