Just don't call it a resolution

Unbelievably scary fact: In 2007 I gained TWENTY pounds.(1) Apparently this is not uncommon for women on xanax. Did I eat less before because I was depressed? Did the xanax change my metabolism? Honestly, I don't give a fuck. I just want it off.

So fine. I joined Weight Watchers (2). I think I've made it clear how I feel about resolutions, and this clearly isn't one, being as today is Wednesday, January 9th. Resolutions begin on the first, or at least on a Monday. This is simply a lifestyle change, made with the realization that all the best clothes look better on a size 8. They look even better on a size 6.

Now according to the nice people at WW, other people have made a New Year's resolution to lose weight and quickly given up. So even though mine is clearly not a resolution (3) they sent me five tips to persevere (see, I told you they were nice!)

Let's examine them together:

1. Make your resolutions public.

It doesn't get more public than this, unless I write them on a blog that people actually read.(4)

2. Write down your resolution.

Again, done. I, ShallowGal, resolve that this summer nobody will ask me when the baby is due. I resolve that I will not need to start shopping in the Encore department at Nordstrom.(5) I resolve that I will not have to risk the lives of everyone aboard our flightseeing trip in Ketchikan by lying about my weight to a total stranger.

3. Keep things simple.

Simple is good. Hell, I specialize in simple. But look how WW defines this: "Break a big goal into a series of smaller goals. Want to lose 50 pounds? Shoot for losing 10 percent of your body weight first, or set five 10-pound incremental weight-loss goals."

Ten pounds is not a simple goal. Ten pounds is halfway to my goal. I want a frickin parade at ten pounds.

4. Mark your achievements.

"Each time you make a small lifestyle change aimed at reaching your goal—adding 5 minutes to your daily walk, for instance—put a star on your calendar so you can see your progress."

Am I two years old? Do they really think a star on my calendar will motivate me? It's going to take at least a princess sticker. Or shoes. Shoes really motivate me. And handbags. You should just see how hungry I'll be for a new Marc Jacobs.

5. Make small changes.

I'm not even sure what this means; is this the obligatory 'take the stairs instead of the elevator' type advice? Or switch out your whole milk for skim? I have no clue.

If anyone has any other diet strategies, I'd love to hear them. And honest to blog, this is so not going to become a weight-loss blog. If anything being thin will make me even more shallow (6) cause all the cute clothes will fit !

1) Did you ever notice that if you look at the word twenty long enough it looks kind of weird?
2) Eighteenth time's the charm they always say !
3) One day in therapy I will figure out why I'm so obsessed with NOT making resolutions.
4) Actually I take that back. I recently added sitemeter (the basic version, I'm not stalking you, I promise) and I now have well over two dozen readers all over the lower 48 and Canada.
5) For the longest time I thought maybe that meant they sold used clothes.
6) I know, as if !