ShallowGal's Pre BlogHer obsessions

In stomachache inducing order, the things that ShallowGal is worried about before attending her first BlogHer.

1) ShallowGal's  elevator pitch.  When SG corners accidentally runs into Jenny the Bloggess in an elevator and foists a toaster upon her, and Jenny asks ShallowGal what her blog is about, we won't have another Bossy debacle.  You know, where SG meets her idol and starts stuttering "It's, um, about my life, I guess?  My friend Tracy calls it a blog about nothing, but in a good way.  It's sort of kind of my place to be silly and creative, and I try to be funny but it's not really a humor blog. And I use a template because I don't know HTML.  And I'm a mom and I write about my kids but it's not a mommy blog.  Not that there's anything wrong with that. Do you know what I mean?"

Then, while slowly backing as far away as a hotel elevator will allow, Jenny the Bloggess will ask ShallowGal why there's an octopus on her card and SG replies "I like octopus.  Octopuses?  Octopusssy?"

And then Jenny pulls open the elevator door to escape and ShallowGal is forever known as "the crazy woman who scared Jenny the Bloggess to death at BlogHer." All because of a bad elevator pitch.  You can't live that shit down.  

 

2)  Which movie to watch on the plane.  You simply cannot leave these things to chance on a six hour flight.  ShallowGal was really hoping for Mamma Mia.  But apparently United and SG have a different definition of "almost first run movies." 

In July, United offers a choice between Mama's Boy and War / Dance.  So it's either the worst movie ever reviewed or a documentary about Ugandan refugees who want to enter a dance contest.  For real.  Can you even imagine how boring SG would be having just seen a documentary?  Lord have mercy on all your souls. (1)

 

Plus ShallowGal has award envy.

Possibly ShallowGal should use that time constructively.  Like thinking of an elevator pitch. 

3) What ShallowGal will be fed on the plane. Airplane food is kind of fun.  It's a surprise, plus it's served in cute little dishes.  ShallowGal isn't a picky eater, so long as it's not fish, meat, vegetables that aren't green or saucy foods.  SG's concern is that the flight attendant will offer her something like this:

But since SG isn't flying Air Uzbekistan she should be fine.

Plus there's apparently a restaurant or two in San Francisco. And she'll be there by lunchtime. Chances of ShallowGal starving to death are low. 

4) Shoes.  Surprised that this falls so far down the list?  ShallowGal is full of surprises.  Pre-conference pamphlets instruct attendees to bring two pairs of comfortable shoes.  Hell, SG doesn't go to the bathroom without packing two pairs of shoes.  SG has an entire suitcase and nary a pull-up nor a webkinz to put in it.  SG packed every pair of shoes she owns.  

5) Everything else.  Missing my kids, them missing me, an earthquake, being a colossal doofus.

1) Is anyone else concerned that SG seems convinced she's going to accidentally kill someone at BlogHer? 

Of babies and big macs

Imagine ShallowGal's surprise when she found the following e-mail in her inbox this morning.

You’re having a baby. Congratulations. We know how excited you are. And how many questions you’ll have over the course of your pregnancy and in the coming years.

Questions? Darn tooting I have questions. (1) PCSguy probably has a few too.

Here's what I think happened. Someone named ShallowHal or ShallowPal or maybe ShallowGal 2008 is actually pregnant and she mistyped her e-mail address in her excitement to share the news with Enfamil. Now I have nothing against Enfamil, and SG is always happy to have a few cans on hand for foster babies that show up long after Target closes. But could you imagine how sad SG would be if she got that e-mail and was actually struggling with infertility? Or had just had a miscarriage? Does any woman really need that stress from a formula company?

Irresponsible marketing, Enfamil. Try harder.

And as long as ShallowGal's being all political and controversial (2) did you hear about the American Family Association's boycott of McDonald's ? From their website:

It is about McDonald's, as a corporation, refusing to remain neutral in the culture wars. McDonald's has chosen not to remain neutral but to give the full weight of their corporation to promoting the homosexual agenda, including homosexual marriage.

The FULL WEIGHT of their corporation. So true. I walked into a MickeyDs the other day and there were rainbow flags everywhere and gay porn playing on the monitor. No wait. That was Wal-Mart who the AFA boycotted because they allegedly promoted the Brokeback Mountain DVD over The Chronicles of Narnia which was released the same day. No, I'm still confused, that was Ford, Disney, American Girl, IKEA. . . .

ShallowGal wonders exactly where are all the nut jobs supposed to eat and shop?

ShallowGal and posse haven't spent much time at McDonald's since reading Fast Food Nation. But it's the funniest thing. All of a sudden, SG is craving a Big Mac. (3)

As always, this was ShallowGal and I'm here to help.

1) first off what's the deal with my font today?
2) Am too!
3) Get it? Craving? To tie back to the email that told me I was pregnant. Too subtle?

PCSguy knows how to treat a girl right

Do you guys remember the birthday that PCSguy gave me tic tacs?

The anniversary we bought a dishwasher ? (1)

The Valentine's Day I got a custom novelty tee shirt?

All is forgiven.

ShallowGal will be bringing two of these four things to BlogHer next week. I'll give you a hint; not the tee shirt.

1) which FYI I now officially hate.

How to Plan a trip to Disney World ShallowGal style

Step 1: Admit that I am powerless over my addiction. My vacation planning addiction that is.


Step 2: Recognize a greater power can give strength. Choose appropriate greater power.

ShallowGal is going to hell for this one. Not sure it was worth it either.

Step 3: Get postcard from Disney World offering 40% off for certain dates that just so happen to coincide with kids' fall long weekend. Accept that it's a sign from some greater power. Yes, that is totally what the 12 step people meant.

Step 4: Do not tell the kids you're going to Dick's house.

Le ShallowGal

ShallowGal has some exciting news. She is now Le ShallowGal.

It's tres chic, no? (1) And before you get all up in my face about how the French aren't shallow (or how much you hate the French) just know that some loser already took ShallowGal. com. (2) So it was either Le ShallowGal or ShallowGal 486.

What does this mean to you? It's all about you, isn't it? Now readers can simply type in www.LeShallowGal.com. The lovely and talented PCSguy has made it automatically loop back to the blogger page. Go ahead and try it. I'll wait.

See ! Is that cool or what?

Anyway, SG will still answer to ShallowGal. She'll be saving the Le for special occasions. Like meeting the Queen. (3)

Maybe SG should have had a contest to help find a URL. Because, dang. ShallowGal has some exceptionally creative readers. Crazy funny. It was a tough call but ultimately SG picked Emily with her very clever "To ink or not to ink" even though PCSguy claims squids ink, not octopuses. (4)

Emily, please send your address to Amy@leshallowgal.com to claim your prize.



1) And that, mon petit cheri, is the beginning and the end of SG's French vocabulary.
2) And did nothing with it. And dollars to donuts, just when SG makes the big time (as if) shallowgal. com will turn out to be an escort service. It happened to Lolita Travelsalot.
3) Someone remind me, are the French and the English friends again? SG can't keep up with who is mad at who.
4)Octopi? Octopussss?

A very shallow contest

ShallowGal needs some title inspiration.

Anyhoo. ShallowGal is leaving in two weeks for BlogHer. The shoes have been bought and the toasters are neatly packed. All that's left is to lose the last 19 pounds and order business cards. (1)

SG has been married to PCSguy long enough to pick up a few important tidbits about printer cartridges. Those are of no use to us today. But one of his hobbies is marketing and because of this SG knows important information to put on one's business card: URL, e-mail address and a hook.

Bossy has "Keeping it Real. Real Silly." Vuboq is " Now working a street corner near you (also available for dinner parties and bar mitzvahs)" Clearly all the good catch phrases are taken.

This is where you come in.

Write for ShallowGal either a catchy quote or a mission statement that she can put on her business card and generate tons of new readers.

What's in it for you? I'm glad you asked. The winner receives a ONE HUNDRED DOLLAR gift card to the Lettuce Entertain You restaurant chain.

Unfortunately, PCSguy and SG already used $63 of it at Wildfire. Also I'm pretty sure the card is non transferable so you'll have to pretend to be either SG or PCSguy. Still, a pretty solid prize for just figuring out who ShallowGal is, what she wants out of life or why she wants to blog.

Bonus points, in the form of actual points, will be awarded to anyone who manages to tie it into this particular template.

Place contest entries in the comment section by midnight tomorrow, July 4rth.

Good luck !

1) Read enough ShallowGal and you'll see that her posts occasionally read like a mad lib. The ___ (noun) has been _____ (verb). All that's left is the _____ (very important act that should have been done months ago)

10 signs you may be shallow

1) You make meatloaf and mashed potatoes for your sick neighbor's family while feeding lunchables to your own kids.

2) But the meatloaf is actually from the Safeway deli counter and transfered into your own dish because, hey, why I am I slaving over a meatloaf in the hot summer for someone else's kids anyway?

3) Your kids wear hand-me-downs (1) so you can shop at Nordstrom.

4) But despite a closet full of slightly-too-small nice clothes you wear the same tank top and yoga pants every day.

5) That insulated Starbucks mug you're sipping from while watching swim team practice? Crystal light and vodka. The new flavor of crystal light with vitamin B. Cause you're really health conscious that way.

6) You consider correcting other people's grammar a hobby.

10) You practice that new math. Especially when you're missing Denise Richards:It's complicated. (2)


1) Thank heavens for friends with excellent taste and slightly larger kids.
2) Although Denise? C'mon. It's not that complicated. I mean you knew he was a scum from the very start.