ShallowGal is such a good driver

(All together now)

How good a driver is she?

ShallowGal is such a good driver that she can put a mug of coffee on the back bumper of her car and drive 16 miles to tot soccer and not spill a single drop.

Then when ShallowGal's friend Linda asks "why is there a coffee cup on your back bumper?" ShallowGal can assure her it was a test of her superior driving skills not a total lack of awareness.

No coffee mugs were harmed in the writing of this blog

ShallowGal tempts fate and loses

Last month ShallowGal told you about how every time Target runs a coupon for a $10 gift card with new prescription, someone gets sick. This week SG saw that coupon and decided to tempt fate by not cutting out it out.

Fact: ShallowGal likes living on the edge.

So obviously today Noa had a singing accident.

Which word didn't you understand? Noa got hurt in music class.

Here's how it went down. The first grade was singing the following song: (1)

Penny nickel dime
Penny nickel dime
Quarter half dollar
Quarter half dollar
one five ten
one five ten
twenty five fifty.

Catchy right?

Noa was holding a large cardboard penny. Her job was to hold it up for the class to see at the appropriate time. Only apparently she missed her target (2) and instead gouged her own eye out.

Now here's something you might not know yet about ShallowGal.(3) She has major eye issues. Remember the scene in Charlie Wilson's War, where Julia Roberts was fixing her mascara with a safety pin? Could not watch. ShallowGal will take the chicken pox over pink eye any day of the week. Possibly my fear of 'anything to do with the eye'(4) outweighs even my fear of bears.

To test for corneal abrasions, the pediatrician did a little test. It involves putting in eye drops (that according to Noa sting like battery acid) and studying the eye under a black light. You know what ShallowGal would like to do again? Anything in the entire world except that.

(And Noa didn't like it either but she can complain on her own blog. At least she got a lollipop.)

Bonus points ! For the next week, ShallowGal gets to sit atop her hysterical seven year old twice a day and administer $75 worth of eye drops. And then study Noa's eye to look for signs of further infection.

And she doesn't even have a stinking Target gift card for her trouble.

Stupid testing fate.

1) Sing at your own risk
2) the sky / ceiling. And she's my co-ordinated one.
3) Although I'm sure there's lots you wish you didn't know. Sorry, can't unring that bell.
4) That doesn't really call for quotes but it's an awkward sentence fragment. I'm not afraid of eyes per se, just anything to do with them. See?

A very Shallow dishwasher review

So ShallowGal did it. She finally broke down and purchased our fourth dishwasher in nine years. It's a Kenmore Elite (#16302) made by Bosch. It has a stainless steel interior and was available in bisque.

PCSguy made her do it, as much as PCSguy makes ShallowGal do anything. He told her it could be their anniversary present.

It took fifteen years but his romantic spirit has finally been broken.

Lest you also be in the market for discontinued dishwashers, ShallowGal is pleased to present her review of the new one. This is possibly even better than ShallowGal's movie reviews because ShallowGal actually owns and uses the dishwasher. (1)

PCSguy claims the obvious comparison is to the old dishwasher but that doesn't really make sense. That one was a Maytag and this one is a Kenmore. It's like comparing, well, Maytags and Kenmores. (2)

But one cannot compare a dishwasher in a vacuum, nor can one compare their dishwasher TO a vacuum. It simply isn't done. And heaven forbid ShallowGal evaluate something based solely on it's merits.

After much thought ShallowGal has come up with the perfect solution. We will compare the dishwasher to the Wii. As you no doubt remember ShallowGal originally spent the dishwasher money on the Wii. And they're both bisque. (3) It's the perfect analogy.

Issue #1:

The dishwasher smells kind of fishy sometimes. Apparently that's because there's no heated dry and there's no disposal. Cleaning the filter helps, as does leaving the door ajar.

The Wii doesn't smell at all. Nor does it require daily maintenance.

Point goes to the Wii.

Issue #2:

My dishes don't fit that well in my new dishwasher.

But they don't fit at all in the Wii.

Point (but just barely): Dishwasher.

Issue #3:

The Wii gives me constructive feedback on my mad dancing skillz. (4)

In reality SG gets a 9 combo on beginner while the MC screams "you're in danger!"

The dishwasher lights up to tell me when my dishes have been sterilized but it always feels like it's being slightly condescending about it. Like "I've washed and sterilized your dishes for you while you've been writing that pathetic little blog of yours. How's that going by the way?"

We can call this one a tie.

Issue #4:

The dishwasher was supposed to come with a $135 rebate in installation but later Sears reneged and decided to only send me $35. After much negotiation (5) they agreed to send me an additional $64.

The Wii was part of a special Costco promotion and came with a bonus numchuk.

Point: Wii

ShallowGal's Bottom Line:

The dishwasher is adequate. It's very quiet and looks nice in the kitchen. ShallowGal does feel strongly that her next dishwasher (6) should have a heated dry. Still, the Wii was definitely a better buy.

As always, this was ShallowGal and I'm here to help.


1) Now that ShallowGal has 100+ posts, I decided this endless linking back to myself was justified. Even if it does drive Tracy batshit.
2) I'd like to see if we can make that an actual saying.
3) Except for the Wii.
3) Yeah, I'm not buying it from me either but it was worth trying on.
5) Read: "You're fucking with the wrong PMS stricken ex-attorney with nothing better to do than sit here and argue this point."
6) In 2 years, no doubt.

ShallowGal weighs her shoe options for Alaska

ShallowGal has heard tales of people who go on vacation and simply pack shoes that they already own.

Interesting. ShallowGal will take this under advisement.

Nah.

So. ShallowGal and family are less than two weeks away from their big Alaska trip. The xanax has been hoarded, PCSguy has been sufficiently coached on his VP of bear management duties. All that's left is the shoe buying.

Nordstrom's half yearly sale began this week. Millie gave ShallowGal a generous birthday check. Coincidence? I think not. (1)

Now ShallowGal doesn't usually panic over buying shoes. It's kind of a gift, my shoe-buying zen. But Alaska is tricky. It's quite possible that ShallowGal punted. She came home with three pairs:

Pair #1:

ShallowGal is getting old and has decided the hell with Blogger and their bandwidth restrictions. Medium sized pictures from now on, baby!

ShallowGal has actually had her eye on this pair of Juicy Couture shoes for several months. Lolita Travelsalot assures us that the metallic trend isn't going anywhere for the foreseeable future. She also said Target has identical knock-off of these shoes for $17 but they aren't as cute. (2)

PCSguy thinks Lolita is a terrible influence on ShallowGal.


Pair #2:

It's entirely possible that ShallowGal has Alaska confused with Tahiti.

Is it possible that for a trip to Alaska there are better places to shop than Nordstrom Salon shoes?

Pair #3:

Now SG is just being silly

Fine. I didn't really buy these adorable Corso como shoes, but I would have if they'd been there. In reality SG bought some black Cole Haan slides that look exactly like the ones she bought in white last year. But she already wore them so now she has to keep them. We'll just put these down as an advance on her BlogHer '08 shoe allowance.

Obviously one of the first two pairs has to go back and ShallowGal must find appropriate shoes for a trip where the temperature will range from 40 to 80 for activities that will include everything from visiting glaciers to stalking showgirls.

I await your wise words of wisdom.

1) Plus the $40 SG saved not buying the crocs cyprus AND a $20 Nordstrom note. There will be no repeat of the Saks debacle today, thankyouverymuch.
2) Which is possible, to be identical and yet not as cute.

I'll take "Things that induce panic attacks in ShallowGal" for $500 !

Today ShallowGal and PCSguy received a letter which began:

In the inexorable scheme of things, you have actually arrived at the time for scheduling the date of your child's Bar / Bat Mitzvah.

Please excuse ShallowGal while she simultaneously cries and vomits.

SG hopes the Bar Mitzvah will be less stressful than the Bris (1+2)

1) In that picture, the Mohel is actually holding Eli but they looked exactly the same as babies (and we used the same Mohel) so really if I didn't tell you, you wouldn't be be any the wiser. Jake was actually born pre-digital camera.
2) ShallowGal is actually *so* panic stricken by this letter that she is skipping the obvious Bris jokes. VUBOQ, however has several, and he will also hum Sunrise / Sunset for us while SG weeps.

My webkinz got eaten by a wolf and other fourth grade urban legends

Know what I suck at? Not giving away the punchline in the title.

Webkinz. For those of you without 6 to 13 year old children, a brief tutorial:

You pay between $10 and $15 for a small stuffed animal at a Hallmark store. Your child registers him online and then plays with him virtually.(1) They get "jobs" to get money to buy their pet food, clothes, furniture and toys. Kind of like real life. Except that in real life my kids won't put away their own laundry but they'll go into mines to find diamonds for their pets.

Plus they learn important lessons ~ like you need to tip Arte at the "curio shop" extra well to get him to sell you something special.

Awesomeness.

Now the Webkinz folks are brilliant but evil. Because one year after you "adopt" your pet, once you've nursed him thru his little illnesses and decorated his room in the latest Egyptian theme, well, then your webkinz "expires."

Meanwhile ShallowGal sits at a computer in her laundry room

And exactly what they mean by expires is the stuff of which fourth grade urban legends are made.

Jake "has a friend who knows someone" who was online the exact second her webkinz account expired. And a wolf came into her pet's room and dragged it off. Lordy, even I'm going to have nightmares over that one.

You know what I heard from my friend when I was in the fourth grade? That if you ate too many pop rocks and then drank a Pepsi, your stomach would explode. (2) As a matter of fact that's how Mikey (the kid from the Life cereal commercial) died.

Fortunately, a quick google search proved both of these things to be untrue. By buying a new webkinz you can obtain a year-long stay of execution for your beloved pets. And pop rocks are safe and back on the market.

Fourth graders are so gullible. Now that ShallowGal is older and wiser, she needs to go buy a bonsai kitten.

1) Meaning they have this new toy and are still managing to monopolize the computer
2) Hence my preference for diet coke. I have three kids (and eleven webkinz) to take care of, no point in taking chances.

And we went to the Statue of Liberty, the U.N. and the Museum of Natural History, but apparently those made no impact.

So ShallowGal and son have returned from New York and are here to tell you all that the Big Apple has to offer for 10 year old boys:

1. The Nintendo store
2. The second floor of the Nintendo store
   

Yes. At 10 Rockefeller Plaza, there exists a two story emporium where pre-teen boys can kneel down and worship both the Wii and the DS. There's even a small 'museum' showing the history of Game Boys (all of which are older than Maggie.) (1)

Now ShallowGal has nothing against Nintendo. Hell, SG was just five minutes ago playing dance dance revolution on her Wii and thanking the heavens above for allowing her to be born into such a remarkable age. But ShallowGal has one problem with Nintendo and it is a biggie.

They misused an apostrophe on their home page.

And their home page is blurry too, but that's not important now

ShallowGal will zoom in for you:

SG would circle it too, if she only had photoshop.

ShallowGal has always had problems with apostrophes. They're tricky little buggers. But if SG had profits of over FIVE BILLION dollars last year alone, she would hire an apostrophe expert. (2)

Hey Nintendo ! Do the frequently asked questions own something? Are there missing letters for which the apostrophe is trying to compensate? (3) No and no. If you're going to have such a major impact on the life of my 10 year old, can you at least pretend that things like grammar still matter?

The correct abbreviation is FAQs. No thanks are necessary Nintendo (although that new Wii ski game would be an excellent sign that there are no hard feelings between us.)


1) But younger than John McCain.
2) And a personal trainer.
3) besides "requently sked uestions"