How to replace a missing drivers license ShallowGal style

Step 1) Go to REI to pick up pre-ordered jacket for Alaska trip. Dorky manager insists on seeing picture identification before releasing package. Open wallet, sort thru 11,000 cards and receipts but find no drivers license. Empty contents of purse on floor of REI. Panic.

Step 2) Fight with manager for several minutes because at $4 / gallon, will you please look at all this other crap as proof that I'm me. Insist that there's no possible way to return to REI before trip next month because now I also have to go to DMV. Scream something like "I'm only one person, dammit" Cry.

Step 3) Duck as manager basically throws jacket at me. Doesn't hurt because jacket weighs mere ounces. Wonder if jacket is too light to be warm enough for Alaska in June. NOT THE PROBLEM AT HAND SHALLOWGAL. Return to current problem.

Step 4) Concentrate really hard on last time ShallowGal saw missing license. Consider eating scone. Scones help concentration. Eat scone.

Step 5) Remember (1) that SG used license as identification previous day at the gym when couldn't find gym membership card. Marvel at fact that ShallowGal knows whereabouts of all three kids.

Step 6) Call gym.

Step 7) Search car top to bottom.

Step 8) Call gym again. Cry. (2)

Step 9) Admit defeat. Log on to Virginia DMV to try to obtain replacement license. Who can squint the hardest and see where SG ran into problems here?

Yes! In addition to being vague and unhelpful, the DMV site is actually blurry.

Right. In order to obtain a new drivers license you need your customer number which exists in one place and one place only. Anyone? YES! To get a replacement for a lost or stolen license you need the number that is displayed (for your safety and convenience) only on your license.

Step 10) Think of DMV jokes:

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on.

The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the Superbowl, dirt bikes, and so on.

The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are things at the DMV these days?"

Step 11) Remember that ShallowGal has a very anal mother, father, step-father, mother-in-law and father-in-law. ALL of these people insisted repeatedly that SG removed the contents of her wallet and photocopy everything for just such an emergency. Look for this documentation. Find copies of all five of the parental units drivers licenses and passports. Show-offs.

Meanwhile ShallowGal thoughtfully photocopied credit cards from 3 stores that have gone out of business (3) and two library cards.

Step 12) Resign to spend next five hours at DMV. Find good book. Hire babysitter. Get in car, move assorted papers and drivers license out of cupholder to make room for diet coke.

Wait. Never mind.

Step 13) Vow to photocopy entire contents of wallet tonight. Unless, you know, something better comes up.


1) Behold the power of the scone.
2)ShallowGal is hardly one for crocodile tears but hey, it worked at REI.
3) Hechts, Pier one kids and Storehouse furniture.