Wrong Word Wednesday

ShallowGal had to buy this week's Star Magazine at the grocery store after seeing the cover story:

But ShallowGal wondered how they could prove that the picture was really
of Halle's baby. Don't all babies' organs look kinda the same?

ShallowGal exposes: House Hunters

Every night at 10 pm, ShallowGal and PCSGuy climb into bed and have the same debate as couples all across America.

Why the hell are those people buying that house?

House Hunters. Followed by House Hunters International, but only if I've been really good.

Admit it, you've seen it. Someone wants to buy a house. They have a ridiculous list of demands. A realtor takes them to three almost identical ones where they overlook major architectural flaws to complain about things like the paint color of the bedroom or wonder if their IKEA dining room table will fit.

However, ShallowGal suspects things are a little suspicious lately in house buying land. Yes HGTV I'm looking at you.

Let's investigate. Take the Smith family of Mobile, Alabama.

First clue HGTV is up to something: the part of the realtor is played by a leprechaun

The Smiths have very specific demands: five bedrooms and a backyard pool. They have a budget of $270,000. Let's see what the leprechaun plans to show them. House #1:

The leprechaun clearly showed this house first because it reminded her of home

House #1 has five bedrooms and a backyard pool. Mission complete. . . or is it?

House #2: has four bedrooms and no pool.

curb appeal sold separately

Approximately two out of every three episode feature a child-less couple who worry that the otherwise perfect home they've been shown doesn't have enough yard for their dogs. My friend Sam likes to call that "nothing a 39 cent bullet won't solve."

Back to the Smiths. ShallowGal considered moving to Mobile when they showed the adorable House #3:

ShallowGal will take two. Thank you very much.

This all reminds ShallowGal of a fifth grade reading comprehension problem. The Smith family had a budget of $270,000 and wanted 5 bedrooms and a pool.(1) House #2 has 4 bedrooms and no pool. House #3 costs $290,000.

ShallowGal rocked the fifth grade. Only house #1 meets their criteria.

But host Suzanne Whang has a secret. House #2 has a bonus room that could be a fifth bedroom. And mom was actually "tired of being the pool man." (2) It was a setup. There was no way you could guess the right house you GIANT LOSER. (Emphasis HGTV's. They are so mean)

Every episode ends the same. The happy family shows how they painted their new house taupe and then hosts a party, usually featuring the realtor as the guest of honor. Everyone toasts their new house, and the fortune they made from tricking America.(3)

1) ShallowGal has a budget of $26.44 and wants a house with 4 full baths, a home theater and a nanny suite. HGTV ?
2) SG watched several times to make sure she wasn't tired of doing the pool guy. That would be an even better show.
3) Much like blogging, the economics of rigging House Hunters eludes me. But somebody's getting rich here, trust me.

ShallowGal cleans house

And by house, of course, ShallowGal means blog roll. Because ShallowGal's actual house is technically too messy too clean. SG wouldn't even know where to start. It would be easier to just move.

(ShallowGal actually told PCSguy that she wasn't going with him to the gym and got a nasty look so SG replied "you'll be sorry when you come home to an immaculate house" and he retorted with "I'll come home to a 3/4 finished blog post." The joke is actually on him because it's a short post so it should be 100% finished.)

If you look over to the right, you'll notice some changes to ShallowGal's blogging posse. PCSguy has unfortunately been dropped due to the fact that he hasn't updated since February. Don't worry, you'll still be able to read about all of his exciting exploits here. (1)

Some new bloggers have been added. Not Just a Mom is actually one of ShallowGal's IRL bestest buds. (2) Rumor has it she's really after all the amazing swag available at BlogHer. Good enough reason as any !

Another favorite new read is Always Home and Uncool. Mostly because he leaves funny comments and calls his kids Thing 1 and Thing 2. SG dresses her kids in their matching Thing 1, Thing 2 and Thing 3 tee shirts when traveling; amazing how kitschy dressed kids increase the tolerance levels of total strangers.

FYI: ShallowGal plans to continue to update her blog roll despite the fear that you'll find someone better and never come back. Please come back.


1) No, you won't. But we couldn't just drop him without some niceties, could we?
2) Our first babies are were born within 4 hours of each other, how cool is that?

Just what the interweb needs: a new weekly blog feature.

Taking a cue from great bloggers like Bossy with her Ten Word Tuesday and whoever invented Wordless Wednesday (1) , today ShallowGal launches a new weekly feature. (Cue the trumpets and confetti) Every Friday ShallowGal will reveal the backhanded compliment of the week. (2)

This week's winner comes courtesy of a neighbor who stopped by to borrow $50. Which strikes SG as a strange time to be semi- insulting.

I love coming to your house. It's such a nice change of pace from going to those super-neat and organized houses. Shows your priorities are in the right place. (3)

Anyone else get blindsided this week?

1) Which SG sucks at BTW. Wordless. You wish.
2) Yes ShallowGal receives enough backhanded compliments to make this a weekly feature. Hell, a daily feature.
3) SG's priorities: shoe shopping and reading celebrity gossip.

ShallowGal's final post on BlogHer 08 (Promise!)

ShallowGal is torn. She really wants to tell her side of the BlogHer closing keynote debacle. (1)

But she also wants to show you a picture of the cucumbers grown in her very own garden.

Decisions, decisions. Cucumbers.

ShallowGal's CPC (2) is now $11.33

Technology ROCKS. ShallowGal used the photo booth program on her new Mac book to take that picture. None of that time consuming downloading and then uploading. (3) Granted you lose the resolution you'd get with a Nikon but I mean they're cucumbers. Really I shouldn't even need to show you a picture. You have seen a cucumber before, right?

Extra perk of using photo booth: jazzy cucumber art.

Art, unfortunately, does not lower your CPC

OK. I can't help myself. And this is the last thing I'll say about BlogHer.(4) When I tracked Jenny down like a dog I bumped into Jenny before the keynote (ie: pre-drama), she told that me Dooce had called her out the night before for calling her a mythical hobbit. She apologized, but Dooce continued to complain "you don't know what it's like" and Jenny replied "Hello! This crazy woman sat next to me and told me her blog was about my vagina."

Moral: Next time ShallowGal complains she doesn't have an elevator pitch, change the subject.

1) It's pretty amazing that SG has a side at all, given she spent most of BlogHer hiding in her room. And was taking her nap during the closing.
2) Cost per cucumber. Add the cost of all gardening supplies and divide by the number of cucumbers grown.
3) I can't be the only one who thinks that's just counter-productive. Like when the plumber tells you your musty basement needs both a humidifier and a dehumidifier.
4) And this. When someone tells you that San Francisco is cold, they don't mean colder than DC in July. They mean it is fucking freezing. Bring a hat.

It's beginning to look a lot like . . . Christmas?

Being as it's 104 degrees outside, imagine ShallowGal's surprise at receiving the following e-mail:

ShallowGal still hasn't planned breakfast

Jenny the Bloggess sightings - 1

Day 2 of BlogHer '08:

BlogHer '08 officially kicked off Friday morning with croissants and coffee. Within minutes ShallowGal had met punditmom, whymommy and Stimey. She had reconnected with her old pal Bossy (1) Someone even girl-screamed when she saw my name tag. Things looked promising.

Then ShallowGal walked into the writing workshop (2) and there she was. Jenny the Bloggess.

ShallowGal sat down in the empty seat next to her and said "ask me what my blog is about." And Jenny said "What's your blog about?" And ShallowGal said "it's about your vagina."

Jenny smiled and checked her bag for her restraining order. ShallowGal reached for her card but before she could tell Jenny about the time she went to New York and took a picture of a giant squid, Jenny had checked out of the hotel and was on a plane back to Houston.

Day 2 of BlogHer: A minus. Seven points were deducted because the music was too loud at the party, ShallowGal didn't win an iphone and because Jenny didn't ask ShallowGal to move to Texas and be her new BFF.

PS: So far Day 3 looks promising. There's a party tonight at Macy's and ShallowGal has Jenny's card tucked inside her bra. Just in case. Cause who wouldn't be totally charmed by that, right?

Updated to say: Jenny the Bloggess sightings: 2

ShallowGal may have stalker eyes going on
but Jenny is totally wearing her dress backwards.

1) Meaning ShallowGal and Bossy go way back, (March '08!) not that Bossy is old. But she is tall.
2) How much do you wish right now that SG had actually paid attention at the writing workshop?

Three bloggers went to San Francisco and all they got

was one lousy photo.

You'd think that 3 bloggers traveling a combined 10,000 miles
would maybe think to bring a camera.

Oh and a shitload of swag that we got from crashing Guy Kawasaki's party.

Here's how it went down. Lolita Travelsalot, Annie and I came back from our exotic bus tour of San Francisco (1) and saw a woman holding a sign in the lobby that said "Kirtsy/ Alltop party shuttle." ShallowGal went up to her room and googled "Why was I not invited to Guy Kawasaki's party?" And Google said "because you're a pathetic idiot who still doesn't have an elevator pitch."

We climbed into bed and pouted for a half an hour. Then Lolita piped up with "what if we put on some black eyeliner and go?" Should we? Hell yeah. The party ended in an hour so we gave ourselves ten minutes to get dressed.

So four days later (2) we boarded the shuttle bus. Turns out the party is at Guy's house. Turns out Guy actually lives in Oregon. (3)

By the time we get there, we are bloggers badly in need of a drink. Sneaking past the sign-in desk, we head directly to the bar. And the person in line in front of us turns around and I kid you not, it is Guy Kawasaki.

He thanks us for coming and we introduce ourselves. He takes our cards but doesn't have any to hand out. They're in his office. You know, along with the guest list. And the secret button to release the hounds. He'll go get some and be right back.

And to add insult to injury, the bar is only serving lemonade and sparkling water.

Eventually Lolita sniffs out some wine (4) and after pounding a few glasses we get back on the shuttle bus. With our awesome swag bags. Which I can't show you because it will ruin the surprise come Christmas.

BlogHer '08 Day 1: Dim sum, landmark viewing , crashing famous people's party. All in all a success. (5)


1) SG flagged down a public bus and asked if they were going near the ocean and for $1.50 each we saw all of San Francisco. As long as you define all of San Francisco as Japantown and the Merwyns on Geary street. But we saw the ocean. Or the bay. So we're happy.
2)Rooming with 2 beauty bloggers has a ton of perks. Speed in getting ready is not one of them.
3) Or Palo Alto. But it's far. And I want to protect him from my stalkers.
4) It's a gift.
5) At this point any day at BlogHer where nobody ends up in jail will be considered a success.

ShallowGal's Pre BlogHer obsessions

In stomachache inducing order, the things that ShallowGal is worried about before attending her first BlogHer.

1) ShallowGal's  elevator pitch.  When SG corners accidentally runs into Jenny the Bloggess in an elevator and foists a toaster upon her, and Jenny asks ShallowGal what her blog is about, we won't have another Bossy debacle.  You know, where SG meets her idol and starts stuttering "It's, um, about my life, I guess?  My friend Tracy calls it a blog about nothing, but in a good way.  It's sort of kind of my place to be silly and creative, and I try to be funny but it's not really a humor blog. And I use a template because I don't know HTML.  And I'm a mom and I write about my kids but it's not a mommy blog.  Not that there's anything wrong with that. Do you know what I mean?"

Then, while slowly backing as far away as a hotel elevator will allow, Jenny the Bloggess will ask ShallowGal why there's an octopus on her card and SG replies "I like octopus.  Octopuses?  Octopusssy?"

And then Jenny pulls open the elevator door to escape and ShallowGal is forever known as "the crazy woman who scared Jenny the Bloggess to death at BlogHer." All because of a bad elevator pitch.  You can't live that shit down.  

 

2)  Which movie to watch on the plane.  You simply cannot leave these things to chance on a six hour flight.  ShallowGal was really hoping for Mamma Mia.  But apparently United and SG have a different definition of "almost first run movies." 

In July, United offers a choice between Mama's Boy and War / Dance.  So it's either the worst movie ever reviewed or a documentary about Ugandan refugees who want to enter a dance contest.  For real.  Can you even imagine how boring SG would be having just seen a documentary?  Lord have mercy on all your souls. (1)

 

Plus ShallowGal has award envy.

Possibly ShallowGal should use that time constructively.  Like thinking of an elevator pitch. 

3) What ShallowGal will be fed on the plane. Airplane food is kind of fun.  It's a surprise, plus it's served in cute little dishes.  ShallowGal isn't a picky eater, so long as it's not fish, meat, vegetables that aren't green or saucy foods.  SG's concern is that the flight attendant will offer her something like this:

But since SG isn't flying Air Uzbekistan she should be fine.

Plus there's apparently a restaurant or two in San Francisco. And she'll be there by lunchtime. Chances of ShallowGal starving to death are low. 

4) Shoes.  Surprised that this falls so far down the list?  ShallowGal is full of surprises.  Pre-conference pamphlets instruct attendees to bring two pairs of comfortable shoes.  Hell, SG doesn't go to the bathroom without packing two pairs of shoes.  SG has an entire suitcase and nary a pull-up nor a webkinz to put in it.  SG packed every pair of shoes she owns.  

5) Everything else.  Missing my kids, them missing me, an earthquake, being a colossal doofus.

1) Is anyone else concerned that SG seems convinced she's going to accidentally kill someone at BlogHer? 

Of babies and big macs

Imagine ShallowGal's surprise when she found the following e-mail in her inbox this morning.

You’re having a baby. Congratulations. We know how excited you are. And how many questions you’ll have over the course of your pregnancy and in the coming years.

Questions? Darn tooting I have questions. (1) PCSguy probably has a few too.

Here's what I think happened. Someone named ShallowHal or ShallowPal or maybe ShallowGal 2008 is actually pregnant and she mistyped her e-mail address in her excitement to share the news with Enfamil. Now I have nothing against Enfamil, and SG is always happy to have a few cans on hand for foster babies that show up long after Target closes. But could you imagine how sad SG would be if she got that e-mail and was actually struggling with infertility? Or had just had a miscarriage? Does any woman really need that stress from a formula company?

Irresponsible marketing, Enfamil. Try harder.

And as long as ShallowGal's being all political and controversial (2) did you hear about the American Family Association's boycott of McDonald's ? From their website:

It is about McDonald's, as a corporation, refusing to remain neutral in the culture wars. McDonald's has chosen not to remain neutral but to give the full weight of their corporation to promoting the homosexual agenda, including homosexual marriage.

The FULL WEIGHT of their corporation. So true. I walked into a MickeyDs the other day and there were rainbow flags everywhere and gay porn playing on the monitor. No wait. That was Wal-Mart who the AFA boycotted because they allegedly promoted the Brokeback Mountain DVD over The Chronicles of Narnia which was released the same day. No, I'm still confused, that was Ford, Disney, American Girl, IKEA. . . .

ShallowGal wonders exactly where are all the nut jobs supposed to eat and shop?

ShallowGal and posse haven't spent much time at McDonald's since reading Fast Food Nation. But it's the funniest thing. All of a sudden, SG is craving a Big Mac. (3)

As always, this was ShallowGal and I'm here to help.

1) first off what's the deal with my font today?
2) Am too!
3) Get it? Craving? To tie back to the email that told me I was pregnant. Too subtle?

PCSguy knows how to treat a girl right

Do you guys remember the birthday that PCSguy gave me tic tacs?

The anniversary we bought a dishwasher ? (1)

The Valentine's Day I got a custom novelty tee shirt?

All is forgiven.

ShallowGal will be bringing two of these four things to BlogHer next week. I'll give you a hint; not the tee shirt.

1) which FYI I now officially hate.

How to Plan a trip to Disney World ShallowGal style

Step 1: Admit that I am powerless over my addiction. My vacation planning addiction that is.


Step 2: Recognize a greater power can give strength. Choose appropriate greater power.

ShallowGal is going to hell for this one. Not sure it was worth it either.

Step 3: Get postcard from Disney World offering 40% off for certain dates that just so happen to coincide with kids' fall long weekend. Accept that it's a sign from some greater power. Yes, that is totally what the 12 step people meant.

Step 4: Do not tell the kids you're going to Dick's house.

Le ShallowGal

ShallowGal has some exciting news. She is now Le ShallowGal.

It's tres chic, no? (1) And before you get all up in my face about how the French aren't shallow (or how much you hate the French) just know that some loser already took ShallowGal. com. (2) So it was either Le ShallowGal or ShallowGal 486.

What does this mean to you? It's all about you, isn't it? Now readers can simply type in www.LeShallowGal.com. The lovely and talented PCSguy has made it automatically loop back to the blogger page. Go ahead and try it. I'll wait.

See ! Is that cool or what?

Anyway, SG will still answer to ShallowGal. She'll be saving the Le for special occasions. Like meeting the Queen. (3)

Maybe SG should have had a contest to help find a URL. Because, dang. ShallowGal has some exceptionally creative readers. Crazy funny. It was a tough call but ultimately SG picked Emily with her very clever "To ink or not to ink" even though PCSguy claims squids ink, not octopuses. (4)

Emily, please send your address to Amy@leshallowgal.com to claim your prize.



1) And that, mon petit cheri, is the beginning and the end of SG's French vocabulary.
2) And did nothing with it. And dollars to donuts, just when SG makes the big time (as if) shallowgal. com will turn out to be an escort service. It happened to Lolita Travelsalot.
3) Someone remind me, are the French and the English friends again? SG can't keep up with who is mad at who.
4)Octopi? Octopussss?

A very shallow contest

ShallowGal needs some title inspiration.

Anyhoo. ShallowGal is leaving in two weeks for BlogHer. The shoes have been bought and the toasters are neatly packed. All that's left is to lose the last 19 pounds and order business cards. (1)

SG has been married to PCSguy long enough to pick up a few important tidbits about printer cartridges. Those are of no use to us today. But one of his hobbies is marketing and because of this SG knows important information to put on one's business card: URL, e-mail address and a hook.

Bossy has "Keeping it Real. Real Silly." Vuboq is " Now working a street corner near you (also available for dinner parties and bar mitzvahs)" Clearly all the good catch phrases are taken.

This is where you come in.

Write for ShallowGal either a catchy quote or a mission statement that she can put on her business card and generate tons of new readers.

What's in it for you? I'm glad you asked. The winner receives a ONE HUNDRED DOLLAR gift card to the Lettuce Entertain You restaurant chain.

Unfortunately, PCSguy and SG already used $63 of it at Wildfire. Also I'm pretty sure the card is non transferable so you'll have to pretend to be either SG or PCSguy. Still, a pretty solid prize for just figuring out who ShallowGal is, what she wants out of life or why she wants to blog.

Bonus points, in the form of actual points, will be awarded to anyone who manages to tie it into this particular template.

Place contest entries in the comment section by midnight tomorrow, July 4rth.

Good luck !

1) Read enough ShallowGal and you'll see that her posts occasionally read like a mad lib. The ___ (noun) has been _____ (verb). All that's left is the _____ (very important act that should have been done months ago)

10 signs you may be shallow

1) You make meatloaf and mashed potatoes for your sick neighbor's family while feeding lunchables to your own kids.

2) But the meatloaf is actually from the Safeway deli counter and transfered into your own dish because, hey, why I am I slaving over a meatloaf in the hot summer for someone else's kids anyway?

3) Your kids wear hand-me-downs (1) so you can shop at Nordstrom.

4) But despite a closet full of slightly-too-small nice clothes you wear the same tank top and yoga pants every day.

5) That insulated Starbucks mug you're sipping from while watching swim team practice? Crystal light and vodka. The new flavor of crystal light with vitamin B. Cause you're really health conscious that way.

6) You consider correcting other people's grammar a hobby.

10) You practice that new math. Especially when you're missing Denise Richards:It's complicated. (2)


1) Thank heavens for friends with excellent taste and slightly larger kids.
2) Although Denise? C'mon. It's not that complicated. I mean you knew he was a scum from the very start.