Things that ShallowGal finds in her mailbox, ironically the same day she has a wee case of writer's block

ShallowGal now has the proper tools to overseed her lawn and invade Canada

ShallowGal reviews this summer's hottest movies

ShallowGal is here to give you the very first reviews of all those summer blockbusters.

You're wondering how ShallowGal got to preview all these movies. The perks of blogging never end ! But I'll tell you a secret. I haven't actually seen them. Heck ShallowGal hasn't been to the theater to see a non-Disney movie in years. Kind of like that travel writer, ShallowGal is basing her reviews on hearsay, commercials and their Colin-ness. (1)

Hey, you get what you pay for. Up today: Get Smart

Starring Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway, Get Smart is based on the eponymous television show. (2)

True story: Last month, some of PCSguy's co-workers came over for dinner. We were discussing upcoming movies and someone mentioned Get Smart. This one woman, Maggie, had never heard of it.

Because she was born in 1984.

Which leads us to a partial pictorial list of things that ShallowGal owns that are older than Maggie:

Personalized barrettes were an important fashion statement in the 70s.
Also another clue as to my real identity for all my internet stalkers.

I have never found an actual use for either of these items.
But one day Noa might need to make a diorama of Holland, and I'll be ready.

It's not often that you get to say
"I have tampons older than you."

ShallowGal plays golf every twelve years (whether she needs to or not)
simply to let others share in the joy this golf bag brings.

Wait. What were we talking about? Movies. Right. ShallowGal was going to give Get Smart two thumbs up simply because Steve Carell is so funny in The Office. But Evan Almighty and Dan in Real Life both kind of sucked.

And there is a disturbing lack of Colins in this movie. Memo to Hollywood: No Colin-less movie will even be eligible for two thumbs up.(3)

Bottom Line: ShallowGal wants to like Get Smart but she thinks it will make her feel old. And silly for wasting her youth collecting teeny things. ShallowGal's review in a nutshell: wait for the dvd.

1) Either Firth or Ferrell, I'm not picky.
2) If the opportunity to use the word eponymous arises, you have to use it. Cause it may be years before you get another chance.
3) It still might get an A or 5 stars or a "way to go" but not two thumbs up. Keep that in mind during casting.

How to plan a trip to BlogHer '08 ~ ShallowGal style

Step 1) Get text message from real life friend and blogger Lolita Travelsalot suggesting trip to BlogHer '08. Text back all excited-like, but know, deep down in your shallow little heart that you aren't going anywhere.

Step 2) Overcome fear of meeting strangers and attend Bossy's DC gathering. Come home and point out to PCSguy that not only did I not get mugged and murdered upon leaving the house but I actually had fun. Text Lolita back and agree. Sign up online that night.

Step 3) Re-start diet. Commit to losing 15 pounds before July 17th.

Step 4) Book flight to San Francisco. PCSguy generously offers frequent flier miles.

Now on United a saver ticket (if available) costs 25,000 miles but a standard ticket (good on any flight) costs 50,000 miles. ShallowGal once read this little tidbit in the travel section about how hard it is to redeem frequent flier miles these days and suggested that you check business class for availability.

ShallowGal investigates and sees that there are no saver awards available and no business class flights either. Stupid tidbit. ShallowGal decides to wait. Two weeks later ShallowGal checks again. Still no saver awards. Just as she's ponying up the 50,000 miles for standard coach flight, she checks business class and SCORE ! ShallowGal gets the same flight in business class for 45,000 miles.

Lesson learned: procrastination pays.

Step 5) ShallowGal calls everyone she's ever met and tells them that she's flying business class to California. Nobody cares. Not even ShallowGal's mother.

Step 6) Flashback (1) to the last time that ShallowGal flew business class. Come with me. December 2001. The family was en route to Puerto Rico, again courtesy of the millions of miles that PCSguy racks up every year.

Not two minutes after we take off, Noa starts throwing up. She continues to throw up every 30 minutes for the rest of the flight and then intermittently for next ten days, until her 15 month self weighs a puny 18 pounds. On the last day of our vacation she finally starts to feel better.

At the San Juan airport, Jake throws up.

We get on the plane and in some freaky turn of fate we have the same flight attendant. He points Noa out to his partner and says "that's the kid that threw up the entire trip South." To which I replied "and this is her brother who will throw up the entire trip North." Other passengers actually fled their first class seats for the safety of coach.

Anyway, step 6 ends hoping that Karma looks kindly on ShallowGal and provides her with a vomit-free flight.

Step 7) Recall that at Bossy's gathering other bloggers gave ShallowGal mementos to help her remember to visit their blogs. Browse catalogs debating merits of business cards, key chains, pens and magnets until landing on the perfect piece o' swag for all ShallowGal's new BFFs:

Only instead of 'Days Inn' it will say
I went to BlogHer '08 and all ShallowGal gave me was this lousy toaster (2)

See ya in San Francisco!

1) Travel planning for ShallowGal involves a lot of shoe buying and reminiscing.
2) I can so fit all that on a piece of toast.

ShallowGal and the creepy weird coincidence

Every Sunday when ShallowGal wakes up and heads for the Washington Post, the first section she reaches for is the Target ad.

That Target ad can predict ShallowGal's future.

Every so often, Target runs a coupon for a free $10 gift card with a new prescription. ShallowGal clips that coupon. Because sure as those adorable Cole Haan's on sale will be available in every size but yours, someone in ShallowGal's family will get sick before that coupon expires.

Before you go accusing ShallowGal of some made for tv movie type mental illness like Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy for the sake of Target gift cards shaped like medicine bottles (1) let me assure you that ShallowGal is very good at math. And the $20 co-pay at the pediatricians office usually costs SG more than the $10 Target gift card is worth.

Anyone else able to predict their own future?

1) Which SG clearly cannot have as she is of medium height and not German.

ShallowGal's Obligatory Earth Day Post

Bad Blogger ! ShallowGal knows she needs to write about Earth Day,what with Earth being her third favorite planet and all (1) but alas, ShallowGal cannot settle on an appropriate Earth-lovin topic.

It's not like ShallowGal isn't all about leaving a better planet for her babies. (See, double negatives means, yes, I would like my children to have a clean healthy planet. ) It's just all of a sudden Earth Day is Earth week and it feels, I don't know, band-wagony. But fine. ShallowGal doesn't want to get a reputation as being difficult.

Let's go with the obvious choice. Bottled water.

ShallowGal has a real love/hate thing with bottled water. On one hand water is the essence of moisture (Quick ! Name that movie!) And instantly drinkable ! No cups to wash ! No ice that smells like fish sticks !

But we all know better, right?

I'll spare you the scary facts (2) about the bottles that never disintegrate. And the huge floating garbage mass in the Pacific Ocean that's twice as big as Texas. Plus a huge number of brands of bottled water are made by Nestle.

Ooh, quick off-topic discussion: Did you know ShallowGal and family have been a part of the worldwide Nestle boycott for TEN YEARS? That's a long time to go without a kit kat. I can't believe we've never discussed this ! Remind me later to tell you all about it another time. (3)

And while we're off topic, have you ever read the small print on a bottle of Smart Water? It says "made from scratch for glaceau." Really? No, really? There's someone in Whitestone New York counting out hydrogen and oxygen molecules for my drinking pleasure? That just seems indulgent.

ShallowGal's solution? Replace the bottled water with vodka. But being as it's alcohol-free April (memo to VUBOQ ! If you'd picked February we'd be 6 days from done!) SG has another solution.

So hows about you treat yourself to one of these?

ShallowGal's Sigg is actually orange with daisies but this one is way cooler

Good for the Earth, boost the economy, don't accidentally buy Nestle water and bonus points ! The water tastes like water. Everybody wins.

1) After Neptune and Venus. Pluto used to be second, but now it's my favorite dwarf planet.
2) Mostly because I'm too lazy to look for them, but I read them in a magazine last night and they're really really impressive.
3) Short answer: Nestle kills babies !

ShallowGal contemplates her own mortality

I know, right? That's *so* not what you were expecting when you came here. But be patient, odds are good this will somehow segue to shoes. It usually does.

Here's how it went down. Friday night ShallowGal was walking down the sidewalk towards her mom's house. It was a pretty evening and SG was in a good mood. The kids were excited and had run ahead and I was half thinking I should catch up and half wondering who the short brunette in the driveway was (1) and half debating something else (2), cause you know, ShallowGal is secretly deep enough to think all those things at the same time.

Anyway, next thing ShallowGal knows she's flat on her back on the sidewalk. With little cartoon birdies circling her head. And nasty scrapes on her knees and elbows. Eli was the first one at the scene, followed by my sister and then the pizza delivery guy.

My sister, who is technically a doctor (3) , kept saying "there's no blood" which at the time may as well have been "your grapes are on fire" for all the sense it made. You know that phrase "knock you senseless?" I sure do now. The pizza guy offered to dial 911 which was pretty nice given the lousy tip my mom had just given him. Eli wanted to kiss my boo-boos better. How flippin awesome is it that he still thinks thats how it works?

I know what you're thinking. A) How did you scrape your knees and elbows and still manage to bang the back of your head? (Answer: I am just that flexible) B) How do you get to be almost 40 and still think you're going to live forever?

Believe me, I've thought plenty about PCSguy's mortality. But he's older and a guy so I'm likely to outlive him. I'm not being cruel, just practical. (You know what else is practical? My new Earth shoes.)

ShallowGal can work shoes into any conversation. It's a gift.

True Story: At PCSguy's last physical the doctor looked at his chart and said "halfway there."

And it's not like I haven't thought about death, in theory at least. At a silent auction last year PCSguy and I won a few hours with an estate attorney. Mostly because there was no competition because all the other bidders were responsible adults who had written a will long before they had three children, a large dog (4) and a mortgage. But that's the extent of my preparation, a free will.

Here's the thing I decided about my dying. It would totally suck. I mean my kids would never be able to find the glue and PCSguy doesn't know the ATM code or the location of the checkbook so he couldn't get money to buy more. The house would literally fall apart at the seams. He would do all the laundry in hot water until the clothes were too tiny to wear. The four of them would eat nothing but home fries, burritos and gummy bears.

It's a very sad future sans ShallowGal.

1) My sister's friend Rebbecca
2) Probably if I could just choose between referring to myself in first or third person for once and for all.
3) Of psychology, which at this point is probably exactly the kind of doctor SG needs.
4) I like to remind my stalkers from time to time that I have a large doberman.

The Box: Day 10

God Bless anyone who bought lemonade from my kids today.

God help anyone who actually drank the lemonade
they bought from my kids today.

PS: ShallowGal is slowly updating her sidebars: leave a comment if you're looking for a little linky love.

ShallowGal needs your opinion

ShallowGal has a dilemma. Yes. ShallowGal has a lot of dilemmas, in fact it's possible that that word does not mean what I think it means. But I'm pretty sure it does.

But guys, c'mon focus. This is serious.

Should I buy these new crocs cyprus?

Whoever thought of putting a 4 inch heel on a croc is either an idiot or a genius,
I'm just not sure which yet.

Hey I didn't say it was Sophie's Choice.

Basically this entire thing is PCSguy's fault. If he'd just made me buy the shoes at Saks last month instead of being all "do whatever makes you happy" then I wouldn't even be considering these. You know, just to spite him, I should get these crocs:

But that's definitely one of those cut off your own nose things
because these are pretty dang fugly.

Fact: PCSguy hates Maryland because he's secretly afraid of terrapins.

But I digress. Like any major life decision, I sat down to make a list of pros and cons. First the cons:

• I hate crocs on anyone over 12
• I once bought crocs and they hurt
• I could buy way nicer sandals instead
  
• I just bought new shoes
• Where exactly does one wear plastic shoes with a 4 inch heel?
  
• People will stare
• Everyone I've asked in real life has said not to. Linda even expressly forbade me to. (1)

That's a pretty convincing list. Let's examine the pros:

• I'm intrigued
• I'm bored
• Look how pretty the lavender looks with the silver.
  
• Hey, shoes are shoes.
  

Looks like a tie to me. What do you guys think?

1) Luckily, she's not the boss of me.

Wordless Wednesday

The one that didn't get away.

I wholeheartedly agree

You know if I were mother duck, after my first two
little ducks didn't come back, I'm not sure
I'd let the last three go back out.

Jake on the classic song "Five little ducks"

ShallowGal skips town

Would you believe that ShallowGal still knows the women from the Lamaze class she took ten years ago? Actually ShallowGal took hyponobirthing. But all these other women took Lamaze together and stayed friends and ShallowGal met one of these women in a breast feeding class and managed to hone her way in to their little club when Jake was six weeks old. But that's a confusing story so it's just easier to say "my friends from Lamaze."

Every April all my Lamaze friends (1) and I head to Donna's house by the Bay for a weekend getaway. We do the same exact same stuff every single year. I'd love to tell you all about it but Donna has a rule "what happens at the bay house, stays at the bay house." (2)

Luckily I've found a loophole. I'm going to tell you about the drive to the bay house.

The distance from the coffee shop where we meet to form carpools to the bay is 48 miles. MapQuest estimates that it should take an hour. That's cause MapQuest doesn't realize that we need to stop every twenty minutes. If Bossy took us on her road trip, it would take her eleven years to cross the country.

I caught a ride with Kim and Tracy. Our first stop was Kim's house. She had to work the next day so she pretended that wasn't going to spend the night. She always pretends that and she always spends the night and leaves at 6 am. (3) We swung by her house for some pajamas. Then we admired the new paint colors in her dining room. Then we gawked at her wedding picture. We made a potty stop. We debated how many diet cokes we'd need for the drive. Then with her pajamas left neatly folded on the kitchen table, we all climbed back into her Volvo.

We actually managed to drive an entire half hour before stopping at a large Safeway. There we bought the provisions we'd forgotten, including a bag of ice, 4 cases of diet coke, and some milk. This stuff, plus the three coolers full of food, the restaurant where we ate dinner, and the WalMart where we went after dinner for candy (and a butterfly print house dress for Kim) kept us adequately fed for the next 18 hours.

We'd chosen the Safeway over the much nicer Giant next door because they have an ATM, but Tracy was apparently opposed to any attempt to multi-task. We pulled into a bank so Tracy could get money and Kim and I could read all the Weight Watchers propaganda to try to figure out how many crab cakes we could eat and still remain within our pathetic 24 point allotment. (4)

Once we arrived at the bay house, everyone else had already claimed the good beds and Kim and Tracy ended up with the bunk bed and I got the mattress on the floor. But that's all I can say about that, given Donna's rule and all.

The drive home was shorter since I went back with Lee who doesn't think you actually need to break up an hour long journey. At one point I said "ooh a yard sa" and before I could say "le" she had said "no" and kept driving.

And VUBOQ, you'd be so proud of me. I remained totally alcohol-free (ish) (5)


1) See, wasn't that better than saying my friends who all took Lamaze but SG took hypnobirthing but she met them in breastfeeding class and crashed their little party?
2) I actually think she said it before Las Vegas did.
3) We are slaves to our secret routine
4) It's so funny you ask. I haven't lost any weight per se in the four months since joining weight watchers but now that I remembered that I'm on WW, I expect the pounds to melt away. And the answer is twelve crab cakes.
5) As long as you don't consider vodka to be alcohol.

A Very Shallow Book Review : A Complaint Free World

As my incredibly sharp readers have no doubt figured out, ShallowGal is reading a book. Specifically A Complaint Free World: How to Stop Complaining and Start Enjoying the Life You Always Wanted by Will Bowen. And I have to tell you, this book just sucks. (1)

In theory, ShallowGal likes the idea: you wear a free purple bracelet (2) on your arm and move it to the other arm every time you complain, criticize or gossip. In reality ShallowGal would have to give up blogging, and quite honestly just stop being around other human beings ever.

It only says "complaint free" it says nothing about being gossip-free.

The book's biggest flaw (oops, move that bracelet, SG) is that ShallowGal has a hard time identifying what exactly qualifies as a complaint. Let's make up a purely hypothetical situation, so I don't have to stop typing to keep moving my bracelet. In this truly fictional story (3) let's say that PCSguy ate the chicken salad that ShallowGal was planning to eat for lunch.

Which of these possible statements is allowable?

• You totally suck for eating my chicken salad
• I hope it was worth it. Your eating my chicken salad ruined my day
• Next time should I put a note on my chicken salad specifying it as such? Can you read?
  

See the dilemma? Without complaining, criticizing or gossiping, my chicken salad will never again be safe.

Ability to explain how to adequately protect my chicken salad interests without having to move my bracelet so many times that I develop carpal tunnel syndrome: unsatisfactory.

Now I did think this book had one possible use ~ to make everyone around me less annoying. Not the gossiping part, because that is totally no fun by yourself, but maybe just a tad less critical, ie:

"When you spend the money for the electric bill on shoes , the nice people at the electric company have no choice but to shut off our power"

However Bowen takes all the fun out of that idea. He even says that if someone complains and then doesn't move their bracelet and I point it out, that I have to move my bracelet because I'm complaining about their complaining. My pointing out is technically called enforcing and I don't think I should be penalized for that.

Grade for giving me techniques to make other people less toxic to be around: * (out of *****)

Total book score: not my cup of tea. Oh well.

1) Yes that was a fairly predictable joke and I apologize.
2) Which actually costs 37 1/2 cents. See for yourself.
3) It so happened, just in case you're new here.

ER

ShallowGal and her 10 year old son spent last night in our local emergency room. And ShallowGal is here to report that it was nothing like what happens on Thursdays at 10 on NBC.

Jake started complaining of a sharp stomach pain right after school. By dinner time he was clutching his left side and moaning. ShallowGal did a quick google search which revealed that Jake was suffering from an ectopic pregnancy and immediately whisked him away .

We arrived around 8 pm. The waiting room was filled with people watching some American Idol special. ShallowGal filled out some paperwork, forked over her $100 co-pay and sat down to wait.

ShallowGal has spent more than her fair share of time in emergency rooms. That'll happen when you have 3 kids and like 78 old people in your care. One summer weekend in 2002, ShallowGal actually ended up in three different emergency rooms in as many days when Noa, not yet 2, repeatedly stopped breathing. The last time ShallowGal actually burst into the ER with Noa in her arms screaming "my baby's not breathing." (1) Now that was like ER.

Jake was seen by a triage nurse and aside from his pain, had no other symptoms. However his moaning was upsetting all the other patients in the waiting room so she moved us to the front of the line and into the first available ER bed. With 'first available' meaning only 42 minutes.

After like 11 more hours, the doctor came in. He looked nothing like Goran Visnjic.

Just cause a girl's married with a pregnant son
doesn't mean she can't look

They did some x-rays and some other tests and a week from next Thursday came back to report that Jake had gas. Then once time had completely stopped, they decided to send him home and have him follow up today with his pediatrician. By this time ShallowGal had actually finished medical school and her surgical residency and had cured Jake anyway.

Now I'm glad Jake's all better, and I'm sure that my new medical degree will come in handy, but ShallowGal can't help but fantasize about what else she could have spent that $100 on. (2)


Like this Anna Sui dress.

Or a $100 knock-off of this Anna Sui dress

1) It's so nice of you to ask. The first diagnosis was asthma but she's never had any other issues. She spent a couple days taking xopenex through a nebulizer and was fine. Just one of those things. One of those things that takes 4 years off a mother's life that is.
2) You don't earn the title ShallowGal by being all altruistic.

Wordless Wednesday (1)

Thanks for the Wii. We'll just play in this box.

1) As if. At least this time it's actually Wednesday.

Sk8er moms

Do you remember the scene in Ice Princess where the mom yells at the little boy "The toe pick is there for a reason, use it or no friends over for a week!" (1) Or in Blades of Glory when Jon Heder's adoptive father kicks him out of the car and disowns him after he loses the Olympic-type competition? Or best of all in The Cutting Edge when a really young pre-Lost John Locke (2) has the empty case waiting for his daughter to win the Olympic gold medal?

Fact: ShallowGal has horrific taste in movies.

But anyway. Did you ever wonder if skate moms (and dads) are really that bad? They aren't.

They're like 10,000 times worse.

My kids skate. More importantly, my kids love to skate. So for as long as they choose to make this their sport, I will encourage them. And if their interest turns to something else, I'll support that too.

Unfortunately, some parents feel differently. This morning I heard one mother berate her seven year old for 20 minutes while she laced his skates. "Hey lady," I wanted to yell. "Can you do a toe loop? Then back off."

Skating isn't cheap. I spent more before 8 am at the rink on just Jake (ice time, private lesson, skate sharpening) than an entire springtime of Eli's pee-wee soccer. But that doesn't give anyone the right to be so overbearing.

Occasionally I see myself start to slip a little. Suggesting that Jake's leg could go higher on his spiral if he focused. Telling Noa she needs do her routine one more time before she can leave the ice. But usually I catch myself. Usually.

Open note to all the other parents at the rink: They're kids. None of them are going to the Olympics. Can you please chill out just a little? Maybe even smile and give the kid a compliment for once? Thank you.

And I'm counting on you readers to keep me honest here. Thanks in advance.

(ShallowGal steps off her soap box)

Then SG takes a few more steps down and posts this picture of
last years competition where both kids placed first in their age group.
Which is why SG can be so smug. Kidding !

1) There are *so* many mistakes in that scene, by the way, like how the class is called Snowplow Sam, which is a beginners class but they learn stuff like one foot spins and spirals. And the kid says they're getting ready for the USFSA test and they pass the juvenile level which means they skipped pre-preliminary, preliminary and pre-juvenile levels. Maybe Disney couldn't afford an actual skating adviser and just used wikipedia?
2) It really is him under all that hair!

A Very Shallow Restaurant Review : Wildfire

Just so we're clear, when I say " a very shallow (review, political commentary, etc) I mean it in the same way that one would refer to "a very special Blossom."(1) Mostly in that it will happen frequently, go on 22 minutes too long and teach a valuable lesson about being a teenager in the 90's.

If ShallowGal could be anything in the whole wide world when she grew up, she'd be independently wealthy. I'd be damn good at it too. But no matter how many times I check the classifieds or Monster.com there are no opportunities available. So my fall-back job would have to be restaurant reviewer.

Last Saturday night, PCSguy and I went to Wildfire. We chose this restaurant for 2 reasons: we had a gift card and we're dead broke.

Wildfire is owned by the Lettuce Entertain You restaurant group, which should have been our first warning.

Fact: Restaurants owned by firms with punny names suck.

We arrived around 6 pm and were told there was a 30 minute wait. We were given a beeper which would reach as far as Saks. So we went to Saks.

Ironically, ShallowGal had a $200 gift card to Saks. And in a stunning twist of fate, ShallowGal needed shoes. First she tried on these darling Kate Spade slides

ShallowGal also tried on these much more practical Cole Haan slides

For the record, PCSguy would like you to know I already own these in white

Now comes the math portion of our evening. Saks was running a promotion where if you spent $400 on shoes, you would receive a $150 gift card towards a future purchase. ShallowGal already had a $200 gift card which means that the shoes were basically free. PCSguy claims that ShallowGal's math is faulty, and her supposition only works if Saks sold things we actually needed like paper towels. Then PCSguy asked the shoe salesman if Saks sold paper towels.

Needless to say, ShallowGal left empty handed. Or bare footed, I guess, if you're being literal.

Anyway, our pager finally went off and we were seated at a four top right next to the kitchen. This allowed ShallowGal to witness the fact that nobody sneezed on her food. That's about the highest compliment I can give this restaurant.

Ability to not sneeze on food: 2 thumbs up.

ShallowGal started by ordering a wild raspberry cosmopolitan (2). After thirty minutes and eleventeen million updates on how busy the bar was, ShallowGal got her drink. It tasted like a shirley temple and probably contained even less alcohol as one.

Bar Service: unsatisfactory.

PCSguy & I started by splitting a caeser salad. The romaine was fresh and cut into little tiny pieces but the dressing was bland. Hardly worth the calories. For a main course we split the special: three 3 ounce filets, each with a different crust. We could only identify the horseradish crusted steak, the other 2 pieces of meat remained a mystery.

Our entree came with one side, a hunk of steamed broccoli drowned in herb butter. We also ordered an extra side dish, a large cheddar double baked potato.

Food: C minus

The dessert tray was a disaster ~ if ShallowGal can't force herself to choose a dessert, you know something is wrong. Our waiter seemed unwilling to suggest anything, and several times left the tray on the table to ask the kitchen our difficult questions. Like what flavors of ice cream do you have? So, yes, those fingerprints in all the fake desserts are mine. (3)

One salad, one steak dinner, one drink, one extra side dish + tip was $65. So a normal couple would easily drop a C note.

Will ShallowGal and PCSguy return? Unlikely, even though there's still $35 left on the gift card.

Overall restaurant experience: 1/2 star out of 5.

And ShallowGal still needs shoes.


1) If you have a minute can you help clean up that wikipedia article? It fails to meet Wikipedia's "high standards." And you know how SG respects wikipedia and their high standards.
2) STOLI Razberi, DeKUYPER Triple Sec, cranberry juice, raspberry syrup. What was SG thinking?
3) They felt like real desserts, only the ice cream wasn't cold. You know you always wanted to know that.

ShallowGal's 15 minutes of fame

ShallowGal's 15 minutes of internet fame are over.

Blog etiquette (1) is not SG's strong suit. Is telling how many hits I get a day like telling you how many men I've slept with (2) ? Let's just say that for one glorious week, ShallowGal forced her family to sit with her and constantly refresh sitemeter as her hits went into the low triple digits.

For the first four months of blogging, fewer than 20 people a day came to see what I was babbling about. I could, and often would, personally call each reader at home and ask what they thought. But a link from VUBOQ and then a super-kind post from my new sister and BFF Country Mouse and all of a sudden, I was the poo.

I swore I wouldn't allow this new found fame to go to my head. I would remember the little people from my early days, like JR or JB. (JT, maybe?)

This is not ShallowGal's first run-in with the limelight. In the late 70's, ShallowGal was featured (3) on The Today Show alongside Jane Pauley in a segment on carob. Unfortunately, SG was barely able to choke down the fake chocolate, ending talks about a possible spokesperson contract.

In much the same way, ShallowGal choked on the pressure of a large blog-reading public. And just as her carob modeling days abruptly ended, so did her dreams of becoming the next Perez Hilton.

Of course it's still only 9 am on the West Coast

1) Or any kind of etiquette, come to think of it.
2)It's a footnote notation, perv, not the answer.
3)If featured can be defined as "picked out of a group of fourth graders on a field trip."

ShallowGal's whole life in six words

Vuboq tagged me for my first ever meme(1).

Sum up my life in six words. No more, no less.
The loophole is you can write as many of these six word sentences as you want.

This won't be hard for ShallowGal.
She's certainly not a deep thinker.
Her life isn't all that interesting.
She knows lots of filler words.
Like very and really and soforth.
So forth is actually two words.
ShallowGal is not above makingup words.

But none of that summed anything.
Now the real meme challenge begins.

Who is ShallowGal, what's she about?
ShallowGal's an enigma inside a riddle.
She doesn't even understand that cliche.
She knows she can do better.

Wife to PCSguy, mom to three.
Cook, maid, teacher, chauffeur, laundress, accountant.
Doesn't even mind the title housewife.
Spends way too much time shopping.
Loves carbs, diet coke and blogging.

ShallowGal is fairly new to blogging.
She uses footnotes, a cheap technique.
Her sense of humor is disturbing.
And she also apparently lacks boundaries.

ShallowGal's life is actually really dull.
Luckily she's too lackadaisical to notice.

1) Wikipedia says that a meme is pronounced miːm or mɛm/ which explains a lot. Or nothing. Except why ShallowGal hates wikipedia.

On the topic of memes, wikipedia goes on to say "The Principia Cybernetica project maintains a lexicon of memetics concepts, comprising a list of different types of memes. It also refers to an essay by Jaron Lanier, The ideology of cybernetic totalist intellectuals, which criticises "meme totalists" who assert memes over bodies." ShallowGal watches Lost and still can't follow this crap. And if you think she's annoyed, you should see her spell checker right now.

Eli and the Showgirl

Eli's in love. Again.

Eli's been in love twice before. First with Courtney. Courtney was the 14 year old who got paid $5 an hour to play with Eli during swim team practice. Because ShallowGal was busy curing diabetes. Fine I just needed a break. Have you ever tried to entertain a two year old poolside, in the broiling sun for two solid hours, five days a week for 8 weeks? Then don't judge me.

Eli and Courtney would spend their time together eating fruit snacks and hitting bumblebees with a stick. I think we've already established that I'm a total slacker mom. Drop it already. Every morning Eli would wake up and announce "my dreamed that me and Courtney were eating fruit snacks." Lucky kid. I always dream that I'm back in high school and I can't remember my locker combination.

The second time he fell in love with a waitress at Hooters. PCSguy took the boys to Hooters when Noa and I went to New York. (1) Apparently the waitress brought Eli his chicken strips and said "here's your food baby" to which Eli replied "me not a baby, me Eli." Then he patted the chair next to him and said "you sit here." That relationship was over as soon as PCSguy paid the bill.

This time Eli's in love with a showgirl.

This showgirl to be specific

Noa met this Showgirl on a Carnival cruise back in 2002. Wasn't she adorable? Noa. Noa's the adorable one here. The showgirl is a heart stealing hussy. PCSguy found this picture in a drawer a few weeks ago. Immediately Eli became obsessed with this showgirl.

Someone asked Eli what he liked about the showgirl and he answered "she has nice teeth." PCSguy is teaching that kid well. Eli also likes to point out that she's not wearing pants. He's kind of obsessed with who is and isn't wearing pants.

Ask Eli what he wants to do today and he'll promptly answer "go see the showgirl." Give him some candy and he'll lay half of it aside for her. The guest list for his next birthday party. . . you got it. Don't think ShallowGal isn't above exploiting this relationship. All I have to say is "you don't want the showgirl to see you with a messy face" and Eli's in the shower washing up. The showgirl also doesn't like children who eat with their fingers or who scream in the car. One night when Eli resisted going to bed, I told him he was allowed to dream about the showgirl.(2)

Next morning I asked Eli how he slept. "Good," he said. "My dreamed that me and Courtney and the showgirl were eating fruit snacks." Holy crap. A preschooler menage a trois.


1) It's not nearly as subversive as he'd like you to think; Hooters has a kids menu and crayons.
2) FYI, I also tell PCSguy what he's allowed to dream about. Is that weird?

Hot Tranny Mess

Some people (1) have asked why VUBOQ calls me a Hot Tranny Mess (2).

It had something to do with Bossy, a bad photo and this Saturday Night Live segment, only not as interesting or perverted as it sounds.



In a topical coincidence, PCSguy saw Tim Gunn casting Project Runway 5 at his hotel in Chicago. Who thinks PCSguy yelled "Make it work !" across the lobby?

1) People with a social life obviously.
2) PCSguy asked if it bothers me to be called a Hot Tranny Mess. Honestly, I think the transvestites should be the ones taking offense.