Friday, May 30, 2008

ShallowGal is such a good driver

(All together now)

How good a driver is she?

ShallowGal is such a good driver that she can put a mug of coffee on the back bumper of her car and drive 16 miles to tot soccer and not spill a single drop.

Then when ShallowGal's friend Linda asks "why is there a coffee cup on your back bumper?" ShallowGal can assure her it was a test of her superior driving skills not a total lack of awareness.
No coffee mugs were harmed in the writing of this blog

Thursday, May 29, 2008

ShallowGal tempts fate and loses

Last month ShallowGal told you about how every time Target runs a coupon for a $10 gift card with new prescription, someone gets sick. This week SG saw that coupon and decided to tempt fate by not cutting out it out.

Fact: ShallowGal likes living on the edge.

So obviously today Noa had a singing accident.

Which word didn't you understand? Noa got hurt in music class.

Here's how it went down. The first grade was singing the following song: (1)

Penny nickel dime
Penny nickel dime
Quarter half dollar
Quarter half dollar
one five ten
one five ten
twenty five fifty.

Catchy right?

Noa was holding a large cardboard penny. Her job was to hold it up for the class to see at the appropriate time. Only apparently she missed her target (2) and instead gouged her own eye out.

Now here's something you might not know yet about ShallowGal.(3) She has major eye issues. Remember the scene in Charlie Wilson's War, where Julia Roberts was fixing her mascara with a safety pin? Could not watch. ShallowGal will take the chicken pox over pink eye any day of the week. Possibly my fear of 'anything to do with the eye'(4) outweighs even my fear of bears.

To test for corneal abrasions, the pediatrician did a little test. It involves putting in eye drops (that according to Noa sting like battery acid) and studying the eye under a black light. You know what ShallowGal would like to do again? Anything in the entire world except that.

(And Noa didn't like it either but she can complain on her own blog. At least she got a lollipop.)

Bonus points ! For the next week, ShallowGal gets to sit atop her hysterical seven year old twice a day and administer $75 worth of eye drops. And then study Noa's eye to look for signs of further infection.

And she doesn't even have a stinking Target gift card for her trouble.

Stupid testing fate.

1) Sing at your own risk
2) the sky / ceiling. And she's my co-ordinated one.
3) Although I'm sure there's lots you wish you didn't know. Sorry, can't unring that bell.
4) That doesn't really call for quotes but it's an awkward sentence fragment. I'm not afraid of eyes per se, just anything to do with them. See?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

A very Shallow dishwasher review

So ShallowGal did it. She finally broke down and purchased our fourth dishwasher in nine years. It's a Kenmore Elite (#16302) made by Bosch. It has a stainless steel interior and was available in bisque.

PCSguy made her do it, as much as PCSguy makes ShallowGal do anything. He told her it could be their anniversary present.

It took fifteen years but his romantic spirit has finally been broken.

Lest you also be in the market for discontinued dishwashers, ShallowGal is pleased to present her review of the new one. This is possibly even better than ShallowGal's movie reviews because ShallowGal actually owns and uses the dishwasher. (1)

PCSguy claims the obvious comparison is to the old dishwasher but that doesn't really make sense. That one was a Maytag and this one is a Kenmore. It's like comparing, well, Maytags and Kenmores. (2)

But one cannot compare a dishwasher in a vacuum, nor can one compare their dishwasher TO a vacuum. It simply isn't done. And heaven forbid ShallowGal evaluate something based solely on it's merits.

After much thought ShallowGal has come up with the perfect solution. We will compare the dishwasher to the Wii. As you no doubt remember ShallowGal originally spent the dishwasher money on the Wii. And they're both bisque. (3) It's the perfect analogy.

Issue #1:

The dishwasher smells kind of fishy sometimes. Apparently that's because there's no heated dry and there's no disposal. Cleaning the filter helps, as does leaving the door ajar.

The Wii doesn't smell at all. Nor does it require daily maintenance.

Point goes to the Wii.

Issue #2:

My dishes don't fit that well in my new dishwasher.

But they don't fit at all in the Wii.

Point (but just barely): Dishwasher.

Issue #3:

The Wii gives me constructive feedback on my mad dancing skillz. (4)

In reality SG gets a 9 combo on beginner while the MC screams "you're in danger!"

The dishwasher lights up to tell me when my dishes have been sterilized but it always feels like it's being slightly condescending about it. Like "I've washed and sterilized your dishes for you while you've been writing that pathetic little blog of yours. How's that going by the way?"

We can call this one a tie.

Issue #4:

The dishwasher was supposed to come with a $135 rebate in installation but later Sears reneged and decided to only send me $35. After much negotiation (5) they agreed to send me an additional $64.

The Wii was part of a special Costco promotion and came with a bonus numchuk.

Point: Wii

ShallowGal's Bottom Line:

The dishwasher is adequate. It's very quiet and looks nice in the kitchen. ShallowGal does feel strongly that her next dishwasher (6) should have a heated dry. Still, the Wii was definitely a better buy.

As always, this was ShallowGal and I'm here to help.

1) Now that ShallowGal has 100+ posts, I decided this endless linking back to myself was justified. Even if it does drive Tracy batshit.
2) I'd like to see if we can make that an actual saying.
3) Except for the Wii.
3) Yeah, I'm not buying it from me either but it was worth trying on.
5) Read: "You're fucking with the wrong PMS stricken ex-attorney with nothing better to do than sit here and argue this point."
6) In 2 years, no doubt.

Monday, May 26, 2008

ShallowGal weighs her shoe options for Alaska

ShallowGal has heard tales of people who go on vacation and simply pack shoes that they already own.

Interesting. ShallowGal will take this under advisement.


So. ShallowGal and family are less than two weeks away from their big Alaska trip. The xanax has been hoarded, PCSguy has been sufficiently coached on his VP of bear management duties. All that's left is the shoe buying.

Nordstrom's half yearly sale began this week. Millie gave ShallowGal a generous birthday check. Coincidence? I think not. (1)

Now ShallowGal doesn't usually panic over buying shoes. It's kind of a gift, my shoe-buying zen. But Alaska is tricky. It's quite possible that ShallowGal punted. She came home with three pairs:

Pair #1:

ShallowGal is getting old and has decided the hell with Blogger and their bandwidth restrictions. Medium sized pictures from now on, baby!

ShallowGal has actually had her eye on this pair of Juicy Couture shoes for several months. Lolita Travelsalot assures us that the metallic trend isn't going anywhere for the foreseeable future. She also said Target has identical knock-off of these shoes for $17 but they aren't as cute. (2)

PCSguy thinks Lolita is a terrible influence on ShallowGal.

Pair #2:
It's entirely possible that ShallowGal has Alaska confused with Tahiti.

Is it possible that for a trip to Alaska there are better places to shop than Nordstrom Salon shoes?

Pair #3:

Now SG is just being silly

Fine. I didn't really buy these adorable Corso como shoes, but I would have if they'd been there. In reality SG bought some black Cole Haan slides that look exactly like the ones she bought in white last year. But she already wore them so now she has to keep them. We'll just put these down as an advance on her BlogHer '08 shoe allowance.

Obviously one of the first two pairs has to go back and ShallowGal must find appropriate shoes for a trip where the temperature will range from 40 to 80 for activities that will include everything from visiting glaciers to stalking showgirls.

I await your wise words of wisdom.

1) Plus the $40 SG saved not buying the crocs cyprus AND a $20 Nordstrom note. There will be no repeat of the Saks debacle today, thankyouverymuch.
2) Which is possible, to be identical and yet not as cute.

Friday, May 23, 2008

I'll take "Things that induce panic attacks in ShallowGal" for $500 !

Today ShallowGal and PCSguy received a letter which began:

In the inexorable scheme of things, you have actually arrived at the time for scheduling the date of your child's Bar / Bat Mitzvah.

Please excuse ShallowGal while she simultaneously cries and vomits.

SG hopes the Bar Mitzvah will be less stressful than the Bris (1+2)

1) In that picture, the Mohel is actually holding Eli but they looked exactly the same as babies (and we used the same Mohel) so really if I didn't tell you, you wouldn't be be any the wiser. Jake was actually born pre-digital camera.
2) ShallowGal is actually *so* panic stricken by this letter that she is skipping the obvious Bris jokes. VUBOQ, however has several, and he will also hum Sunrise / Sunset for us while SG weeps.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

My webkinz got eaten by a wolf and other fourth grade urban legends

Know what I suck at? Not giving away the punchline in the title.

Webkinz. For those of you without 6 to 13 year old children, a brief tutorial:

You pay between $10 and $15 for a small stuffed animal at a Hallmark store. Your child registers him online and then plays with him virtually.(1) They get "jobs" to get money to buy their pet food, clothes, furniture and toys. Kind of like real life. Except that in real life my kids won't put away their own laundry but they'll go into mines to find diamonds for their pets.

Plus they learn important lessons ~ like you need to tip Arte at the "curio shop" extra well to get him to sell you something special.


Now the Webkinz folks are brilliant but evil. Because one year after you "adopt" your pet, once you've nursed him thru his little illnesses and decorated his room in the latest Egyptian theme, well, then your webkinz "expires."

Meanwhile ShallowGal sits at a computer in her laundry room

And exactly what they mean by expires is the stuff of which fourth grade urban legends are made.

Jake "has a friend who knows someone" who was online the exact second her webkinz account expired. And a wolf came into her pet's room and dragged it off. Lordy, even I'm going to have nightmares over that one.

You know what I heard from my friend when I was in the fourth grade? That if you ate too many pop rocks and then drank a Pepsi, your stomach would explode. (2) As a matter of fact that's how Mikey (the kid from the Life cereal commercial) died.

Fortunately, a quick google search proved both of these things to be untrue. By buying a new webkinz you can obtain a year-long stay of execution for your beloved pets. And pop rocks are safe and back on the market.

Fourth graders are so gullible. Now that ShallowGal is older and wiser, she needs to go buy a bonsai kitten.

1) Meaning they have this new toy and are still managing to monopolize the computer
2) Hence my preference for diet coke. I have three kids (and eleven webkinz) to take care of, no point in taking chances.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

And we went to the Statue of Liberty, the U.N. and the Museum of Natural History, but apparently those made no impact.

So ShallowGal and son have returned from New York and are here to tell you all that the Big Apple has to offer for 10 year old boys:
  1. The Nintendo store
  2. The second floor of the Nintendo store

Yes. At 10 Rockefeller Plaza, there exists a two story emporium where pre-teen boys can kneel down and worship both the Wii and the DS. There's even a small 'museum' showing the history of Game Boys (all of which are older than Maggie.) (1)

Now ShallowGal has nothing against Nintendo. Hell, SG was just five minutes ago playing dance dance revolution on her Wii and thanking the heavens above for allowing her to be born into such a remarkable age. But ShallowGal has one problem with Nintendo and it is a biggie.

They misused an apostrophe on their home page.

And their home page is blurry too, but that's not important now

ShallowGal will zoom in for you:

SG would circle it too, if she only had photoshop.

ShallowGal has always had problems with apostrophes. They're tricky little buggers. But if SG had profits of over FIVE BILLION dollars last year alone, she would hire an apostrophe expert. (2)

Hey Nintendo ! Do the frequently asked questions own something? Are there missing letters for which the apostrophe is trying to compensate? (3) No and no. If you're going to have such a major impact on the life of my 10 year old, can you at least pretend that things like grammar still matter?

The correct abbreviation is FAQs. No thanks are necessary Nintendo (although that new Wii ski game would be an excellent sign that there are no hard feelings between us.)

1) But younger than John McCain.
2) And a personal trainer.
3) besides "requently sked uestions"

Friday, May 16, 2008

How to replace a missing drivers license ShallowGal style

Step 1) Go to REI to pick up pre-ordered jacket for Alaska trip. Dorky manager insists on seeing picture identification before releasing package. Open wallet, sort thru 11,000 cards and receipts but find no drivers license. Empty contents of purse on floor of REI. Panic.

Step 2) Fight with manager for several minutes because at $4 / gallon, will you please look at all this other crap as proof that I'm me. Insist that there's no possible way to return to REI before trip next month because now I also have to go to DMV. Scream something like "I'm only one person, dammit" Cry.

Step 3) Duck as manager basically throws jacket at me. Doesn't hurt because jacket weighs mere ounces. Wonder if jacket is too light to be warm enough for Alaska in June. NOT THE PROBLEM AT HAND SHALLOWGAL. Return to current problem.

Step 4) Concentrate really hard on last time ShallowGal saw missing license. Consider eating scone. Scones help concentration. Eat scone.

Step 5) Remember (1) that SG used license as identification previous day at the gym when couldn't find gym membership card. Marvel at fact that ShallowGal knows whereabouts of all three kids.

Step 6) Call gym.

Step 7) Search car top to bottom.

Step 8) Call gym again. Cry. (2)

Step 9) Admit defeat. Log on to Virginia DMV to try to obtain replacement license. Who can squint the hardest and see where SG ran into problems here?

Yes! In addition to being vague and unhelpful, the DMV site is actually blurry.

Right. In order to obtain a new drivers license you need your customer number which exists in one place and one place only. Anyone? YES! To get a replacement for a lost or stolen license you need the number that is displayed (for your safety and convenience) only on your license.

Step 10) Think of DMV jokes:

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on.

The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the Superbowl, dirt bikes, and so on.

The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are things at the DMV these days?"

Step 11) Remember that ShallowGal has a very anal mother, father, step-father, mother-in-law and father-in-law. ALL of these people insisted repeatedly that SG removed the contents of her wallet and photocopy everything for just such an emergency. Look for this documentation. Find copies of all five of the parental units drivers licenses and passports. Show-offs.

Meanwhile ShallowGal thoughtfully photocopied credit cards from 3 stores that have gone out of business (3) and two library cards.

Step 12) Resign to spend next five hours at DMV. Find good book. Hire babysitter. Get in car, move assorted papers and drivers license out of cupholder to make room for diet coke.

Wait. Never mind.

Step 13) Vow to photocopy entire contents of wallet tonight. Unless, you know, something better comes up.

1) Behold the power of the scone.
2)ShallowGal is hardly one for crocodile tears but hey, it worked at REI.
3) Hechts, Pier one kids and Storehouse furniture.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Quirky? Moi?

The Jet Set Girls tagged me for this little game (1)

1. Link the person who tagged you.
2. Mention the rules in your blog.
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.

Quirks? You came to the right place, girls!

1) I read magazines back to front. It makes them kind of confusing and I have no idea why I do it, but I can't stop. Maybe I'm concerned how it ends.

2) You know when Tyra on ANTM says something like " You have to be ugly, but pretty- ugly / You have to look at the sky without actually using your eyes / You need to be slutty without being all hoochie mama about it?" I have no clue what any of that means. I have a BS from Northwestern University and a law degree from Wake Forest and I'm not smart enough to be America's next top model.

3) I'm terrified of bears but obsessed with seeing one on my upcoming Alaska trip.

4) Speaking of Alaska, anytime I see a vehicle with an Alaska plate, I feel compelled to stop the driver and ask them how the car got from Alaska to DC. Like I'm Rand McNally or something.

5) Other irrational obsessions : listening to XM channel 153 ~ the Canadian comedy channel (2) , pricing out xyron machines (3) and checking the parking situation at National Airport. (4)

6) ShallowGal can't walk past a hotel housekeeping cart without scoping out the mini-shampoo bottle situation. PCSguy knows he better not come home from a W Hotel without a suitcase full of Bliss . They sell all that stuff at Sephora but ShallowGal likes her toiletries in little containers.

So there you have it. Anyone else notice it's a fine line between quirky and OCD? Make me feel better, share a few of your unspectacular quirks in the comment area.

1) Like a month ago. I've been busy.
2) Sometimes I feel like they're trying to pick a fight.
3) Which I don't need and wouldn't use.
4) Plenty of space available right now in the daily lot.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

This? Right here? Is why people hate mommy bloggers.


Or in my case WTMI (1)

ShallowGal was expecting an important phone call. One to tell her if Eli had been accepted into preschool. FREE three day a week preschool. In other words, a momentous phone call.

So obviously this call was going to come at the worst time.

ShallowGal and her friend Linda were shopping at Nordstrom Rack. ShallowGal was trying to combat her exhaustion with copious amounts of diet coke. After her third one, Linda remarked that ShallowGal was going to need to pee again, soon.

Duh and big whoop. (2)

ShallowGal always times her Nordstrom Rack expedition to the second. It takes exactly 32 minutes to get from the parking lot to Eli's preschool, assuming no traffic. Being a giant ass, ShallowGal therefore leave at precisely 12:58, allowing her to shop until the last second and avoid a late pick-up fee.

At 12:55 ShallowGal paid and turned towards the ladies room. Exactly three minutes to pee and walk to the car.

Of course that's when the phone rang.

Now ShallowGal had been waiting all week for this call. So she did what any mother in the same position would do.

She took the call while peeing.

But to avoid sounding like an idiot she pretended it was her three year old using the potty. So now, not only was ShallowGal using the bathroom while on the phone, she was simultaneously talking to a pretend three year old at the time. (3)

"That's fine, thank you, yes I'll do that, hold on a minute please. (To pretend child) OK sweetie, pull up your pants and let's go wash your hands. (To teacher) I'm back, sorry, he just can't wait."
So not only does the teacher see right through me, but now everyone at Nordstroms thinks I'm nuts too. (4)

The only thing that could make it worse? Confess to the entire world. ShallowGal is now officially a mommy blogger.

Goodbye all my cool new friends who will now leave me for someone slightly less strechmarked. I really enjoyed meeting you all. Please remember me fondly.

1) WAY too much information.
2) Act your age, SG, not your shoe size.
3) Although anyone who has ever met my three year old knows that ShallowGal could never talk more than 8 consecutive seconds without a constant background stream of "who is it?" "Can I talk" "My turn to talk!"
4) Welcome to the club, nice people at Nordstroms!

Monday, May 12, 2008

ShallowGal takes NYC. Again

You know that old saying "The squeaky wheel gets the grease?" In our house that squeaky wheel has a name.

We call her Noa.

If you were to actually record my life minute to minute (1) you'd see a child / attention breakdown as such: Noa 45% / Eli 40% / Jake 15%.

Not too shabby for a middle child.

Poor Jake. I'd say the most commonly heard words in this house are "Hold on Jake." Kid can't get a word in edgewise besides his Chatty-Cathy of a sister. Not for lack of trying, I must say.

Ironically Jake is the child most like me; geeky and socially awkward with an off-the-wall sense of humor. We love library bag sales and the walrus bucket saga. The only thing I don't get about him is his preference of vanilla to chocolate but hey, what can you do?

That said, I was shocked when his teacher chose Jake, out of 50 kids, to be the fourth grade representative for the gifted and talented panel. I mean I love him and all but the kid does tend to babble on a bit. I was even more shocked when I was asked to be the fourth grade parent representative. (2) I figured the teacher must have sensed greatness in me, based on the three e-mails I've sent this year, each time explaining why I can't chaperone a field trip. (3)

Turns out Jake is an excellent public speaker. Concise. Funny. Even knew how to work the microphone. ShallowGal sat there and tried to figure out what smelled like souvlaki. (4) Jake was picked for his way with words, ShallowGal was selected because she has a car and was going to be there anyway.

ShallowGal got an email from Jake the other day. (Yes, my ten year old who lives down the hall needed to send me an email. I'm telling you, you've never heard a wheel squeak so loudly) He changed his signature from "future president" to "Future Proggramer" (sic) His career goals changed and I learned it in an email.

That's why ShallowGal is so excited for this trip to New York. Her companion this month is Jake.

Even though Noa & I are so different, planning her trip to New York was a no-brainer. American Girl Doll Store. Lion King on Broadway. Bloomingdales, Saks, Tiffanys.

But what do 10 year old boys like? (5) ShallowGal is on the case.

1) Please don't.
2) Being as I can count the number of times I've stepped foot in that school on one hand. Hey, I have three kids in three schools, don't judge me.
3) I don't like kids and I get bus sick.
4) My bra. I know, WTF?
5) Besides 10 year old girls? Budumbump.

Saturday, May 10, 2008


And the question is: How many people will walk up to this scene and ask "Are you having a yard sale today?"

PSCguy likes to answer "No we just thought it was a nice day
to take all our crap out for some air."

A yard sale seemed an appropriate way to spend today, the 4rth anniversary of my 29th birthday. (1) Gifts so far: 4 boxes of pink grapefruit tic tacs from PCSguy (2), some wildflower seeds in a Mother's Day card from Noa and a dozen donuts from my neighbors.

The original rationale behind this yard sale was to get Millie to clean out her gosh-darn basement. She contributed exactly one box of, um, stuff maybe? Of which exactly not one thing sold. Let's see why.

Nearest we can tell it's a cutting board depicting the evolution of fish

It's the 35th anniversary of this tie rack's trip from the tie rack factory.
Making it, say it with me, also older than Maggie.

Other notable yard sale occurrence: The woman dressed head to toe in hot pink who bought yarn, 2 staplers and a fairy princess wand and paid with the following poem:

Two skunks went to church and they were blue

Because they had to sit in their own pew.

At the end of the day we cleared $132 tax free dollars (3) with eleven boxes of freshly aired stuff leftover to be picked up Friday by purple heart.

1) No, I'm not 33, you forgot about the 2nd anniversary of my 35th birthday and the six years my birthday wasn't even on the calendar cause it fell on a leap year which makes me 74, I think.
2) Who at 7 pm last night looked at the calender, looked at his watch and said "Oh crap, I need to go to WalMart real quick."
3) plus one poem.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

ShallowGal helps cure cancer

According to Blogger(1) this is my 100th post. ShallowGal has been up all night wrangling over an appropriate topic to commemorate this milestone.

And ultimately I decided to talk about the new pink tic tacs. The ones you can only buy at WalMart. (2) OMG you guys, you have to try them.

C'mon. After 99 posts you didn't see that one coming? Seriously? Ninety-nine days of babbling on about nothing and poof, on day 100 you think they'll be substance behind this boilerplate template?

Seriously guys, these are the best tic tacs ever. Even Bleaker would trade in his orange ones for these pink grapefruit ones.

I'd totally given up on tic tacs too. I'm not a big fan of peppermint or spearmint to begin with. The cinnamon ones turned my fingers red. And for all those years they advertised themselves as the 1 1/2 calorie breath mint and then it turns out they're actually 1.9 calories. No wonder I can't lose this weight.

But ShallowGal has a thing for anything pink grapefruit flavored. She survived her entire first trimester of pregnancy with Eli on Giant's store brand of pink grapefruit soda. Giant didn't even sell it by the case, ShallowGal actually had to stand in front of the soda machine plugging in pocketfuls of quarters.

Don't judge me. He's totally my smartest kid so maybe I'm onto something. (3)

Plus look what my new idol Rochelle made with them:

If SG started today and worked straight thru she could have enough for all 3 kids
to hand out to their class on Valentine's Day. In 2013.

Best of all, a donation of $25,000 from the sale of these new TicTac mints will go to CancerCare to support people affected by a cancer diagnosis.

So you get a great candy, support a good cause and ShallowGal's 100th post title gets to be self serving and accurate. Everybody wins. (4)

1) Who has no reason to lie about it, so I will take it at its word. You're welcome to go back and count though, I have a hard time believing it too.
2) I can't even think of a plausible excuse why I was there. I just was.
3) Then again I ate nothing but chocolate pop tarts with Noa and we all know how that turned out.
4) Except all the mom and pop stores squashed by the corporate Goliath that is WalMart. But SG may actually forgive WalMart for as long as they carry this flavor.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Wordless Wednesday (1)

While ShallowGal applauds her in laws for their forward thinking
while naming PCSguy,she worries that they unfairly pigeonholed him career-wise.

1) It is entirely possible that word does not mean what I think it means. "Wordless" not "Wednesday." I'm 99% sure I know what Wednesday means.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

ShallowGal and the Earthquake

Thank you all for the outpouring of concern. I'm please to tell you that ShallowGal and posse have come thru the Great Earthquake of Northern Virginia unscathed.

ShallowGal's sole goal for BlogHer is to learn how to
put an X on this map to mark her earthquake location (which was just
above the green blob in the bottom left corner.)

ShallowGal actually totally missed the earthquake, which is apparently pretty normal for a 1.8 tremor. Noa, however, claims it was "really really bad" and based on her extensive knowledge of these things "felt more like an 8 or 9." She also saw the ground crack below her and then immediately heal back up before anyone else saw it, which is pretty amazing since she was inside a windowless room at the time.

I don't know where she gets her ability to over dramatize. Probably PCSguy.

Anyway, this earthquake was totally my fault. First off, ShallowGal was just last month chaperoning a field trip to the Museum of Natural History where she saw an exhibit about earthquakes. She pointed out to her little group of learners that Northern Virginia was safe from seismic disaster unlike those poor schmucks in California. That's when ShallowGal learned that half her impressionable little group was moving to San Fransisco this summer.(1)

Your official earthquake risk map. Never say I didn't warn you.

Secondly, ShallowGal stayed up late the other night watching Volcano. Which is a movie about another natural disaster. I'm so sorry to anyone inconvenienced by today's tremor.

You're saying this is all kind of a weird mini-coincidence? Not even a mini-coincidence but the ravings of a mad woman? Fine. I'm going upstairs to watch Titanic.(2) Don't say I didn't warn you.

1) Just kidding Christian, Caleb and Jessica's parents. I didn't really say anything. I can't imagine why they don't want to move.
2) Actually I'm just kidding again, I *hate* that movie.

Monday, May 5, 2008

ShallowGal and the Giant Clusterfuck of a Day

Warning: Today's post contains strong language and may not be suitable for small children and husbands. Reader discretion is advised.

1. A situation that is totally fucked up,
especially as a result of managerial incompetence.
2. Military term for an operation in which multiple things have gone wrong. Related to "SNAFU" (Situation Normal, All Fucked Up") and "FUBAR" (Fucked Up Beyond All Repair).
I think that's pretty self explanatory. What? You need an example from ShallowGal's own life? Fine. Let's look at yesterday.

First ShallowGal headed out to the grocery store for frozen waffles and apples. And came home with shaving cream and cat food.

Fact: ShallowGal doesn't even have a cat. (1)

Fine. No harm done. By itself, not an insurmountable event. Possibly even just the tiniest bit eccentric, but in a cute quirky way.

What happened next was entirely this guy's fault. (2) Cause ShallowGal read his story yesterday and wondered what kind of loser pulls into a gas station and misses the eleven signs that say "DIESEL ONLY?"
In ShallowGal's defense, it is a slightly ambiguous sign

Dang Karma. Luckily the nozzle was incompatible with ShallowGal's gas tank saving her (and her car) from her own stupidity. But to be on the safe side, please nobody tell PCSguy. Thanks.

But still, at the end of the day, all that's just stupid crap. Here's what made today officially a giant clusterfuck of a day:

That can't be good

Cause we're all just sitting there eating lunch when BOOM ! The perfectly happy tree that used to be in our front yard was now on top of Millie's car. And that's when ShallowGal declared Sunday, May 4rth to officially be one giant clusterfuck of a day.

1) Long story short, ShallowGal had a coupon.
2) How often can you blame your stupid mistakes on an ex-reality tv star?

Sunday, May 4, 2008

ShallowGal exploits her children to fill space

From an actual conversation this week with my three year old:

When I grow up, I'm going to be a pumpkin. You can be a mermaid, Mommy. Won't that be fun?

Friday, May 2, 2008

ShallowGal's life with a much older man

True Story: The kids and I used to have lunch at this local Chinese buffet every single week (1) Noa loves her some Chinese food. True story within a true story: Noa once told me that when she grew up she was going to be a Chinese lady.

Between his travel schedule and his food snobbishness, PCSguy was rarely invited. One year we all went on Christmas eve (2). The owner asked me who that man was and I told her. She turned to the waiter and said something in Chinese and then told me they had a bet; was PCSguy my husband or my father. Why did I marry a man who was so much older, they wanted to know.

So anyway. Now I'm married to a man who is a full decade my senior. Look what ShallowGal made for her sugar daddy:

Eli got a little carried away decorating

Yes you counted right. THREE layers in this cake baby !

ShallowGal has heard tell of women who use mixes and canned frosting. Or even buy pre-made cakes. Obviously they do not love their PCSguy the way I love mine.(3)

You know how ShallowGal has been all contemplate-y about dying? Let's examine a partial list(4) of things that went into this cake and see if heart disease is on her list of worries:
  • 4 eggs
  • a full cup of butter
  • a cup of heavy cream
  • a cup of half and half
  • 1/2 cup of vegetable oil
  • 3 cups of confectioner sugar.
When ShallowGal said she contemplated PCSguy's mortality she should specify that she has thought about life without him, not actually planned his death by CAKE (in this case: Cardiac Artery Klogger Extraordinary)

But trust me. That would be the way to go.

1) Mostly because it was easy and convenient but also cause Jake and Noa were half price and Eli was free. Lunch for 4 with tip was $15.
2) Chinese food being the official Christmas meal of Jews worldwide.
3) Wouldn't it be funny if I were really like that?
4) Did you notice that SG seems to really prefer 'partial lists." It's the lawyer in her.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

ShallowGal would like you to join her

wishing PCSguy a happy 40rth birthday !

Now ShallowGal thought long and hard (1) about the best way to publicly acknowledge this milestone. There's the ever popular pictorial list of things older than PCSguy:

Even they're laughing at you !

I see now why you wanted a new bike for your birthday

But that trick is getting old (no pun intended.) Did you notice that there's apparently a very small window where ShallowGal won't make fun of your age? (2)

There's always the "this is your life" theme. Remember listening to that on the radio? Right after the big war? What? That was more than 40 years ago? All history pre-1969 just runs together for ShallowGal.

For this occasion, ShallowGal raided the carefully labeled shoe boxes (3) in Millie's basement. Here are a few of her favorites:

Jail bait.

ShallowGal has misplaced the picture of PCSguy going to Prom in his baby blue tux. That's her favorite too. The tribute is ruined ! Useless !

Wait, wait, I have it ! Let's go to Wikipedia and see what else happened in 1968. There was the My Lai massacre. Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King, Jr. were assassinated. The USS Scorpion was lost at sea. The Republican National Convention nominated Richard Nixon for President. Wow tough year.

Happy Birthday PCSguy. Halfway there.

1) That's what she said!
2) You need to be 38 years, 11 months and 21 days old.
3) The labels were Family, Miscellaneous and Other.